It is disrespectful for your husband to tell you you "should" do anything. You need to insist that he eliminate disrespectful judgments like this - he will have to do so in order to eliminate angry outbursts. Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts form a continuum of abuse and control: one leads to another.

Dr. Harley actually researched couples that were successful in marriage, and identified the things that were common to all of them. His program is a slimmed-down approach that focuses on just those things. Leaving out any of those things results in an unsuccessful marriage.


Disagreeing and having your own opinion is not disrespectful!

NOT AT ALL. You are fortunate to be figuring this out quickly.

After the way he has abused you I wouldn't put up with his dickering over this for long. He is not the one to be calling the shots to you. Tell him that if he wants to make up to you for his past abuse, following this program is what he will have to do.

He is still trying to control you.

Honesty, if he doesn't start following the MB program, your chances of having a happy, romantic marriage is very slim. To me, it sounds like he's trying to do just enough to appease you and get you to back down.

Listen to your emotions here. They are designed to protect you. This man has abused you, and now instead of giving you what you need he is trying to cut corners.

I wouldn't stay with him, Elaina.

I have been reading more this morning. I know he is going to be upset with me when I see him. To be nice to him -we had UA time last night and he had such an unusual horrible day at work I really tried to help him feel better but because I still feel like this= he says he is scared of me now.

My guess is it scares him that I can still try to be a great partner, give love, try to eliminated everything I can on my side and have a good time with him YET still because my LB is on empty: go through intense emotions about him that aren't good. I think he is saying my actions aren't lining up with my words.

This is not easy for me either! I know that me being mad at him and him feeling the weight of my emotions towards him all the time are not going to give him an opportunity to change and make LB deposits.

This is the part that confuses me somewhat I still am pleasant, giving him a chance and I don't feel good about bringing up things right now. We can have a good time in UA, I can still have compassion over what he is going through but have no clue how to tell him what I feel as I am not sure what his response will be. We aren't doing MB so there are no cool forms to fill out that would let him know what he is doing right (EN) and what is hurting me (LB)

Is both of us posting actually good? Is this similar to the same reasons that Dr. Harley won't counsel folks together??

Not sure exactly what this means - the family should spend 15 hours together. FC is a need that typically the husband meets for the wife.

I make sure to go out One time each week for 2 hours with each child only so they have a chance to really talk to me, have some fun etc (child UA). I consider it FC since it is part of training up children in the way they should go-I do this special time during the day when DH is at work.
He really only told me he was resentful about it but am not sure why.

We don't have FC together as a family often at all. We do it sometimes but there is no plan for it.

Does this make sense?

That sounds like a great thing to do with the kids, but it's not what Dr. Harley means by the emotional need for Family Commitment. Emotional needs are not something we can meet for ourselves - they have to be met by another person.

I can understand your husband's feeling that he wishes he could spend more special time with the children. If you do follow Dr. Harley's suggestion of 15 hours of family time each week, maybe you guys can plan some fun special family events that he will enjoy.

I see what you are saying about it not being FC.... ok- thanks

I am totally on board with MB. I would love to follow the worksheets, plan out FC time, Plan out UA time, use them to let him in on valuable information about the marriage. Read the information so we can have an amazing life together.

I am not going to be the one that constantly pushes for it. Me even mentioning Dr. Harley seems to already make him upset. If we do it, it HAS to be him driving this bus.

I also would like to be honest with him. We just aren't there yet.

Thank you Marcos again for taking time out of your life to help. Also to everyone else trying to give advice and encouragement. I know you all have lives and I am grateful.

Elaina, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I've been in your shoes, and I'm watching and hoping with you.

Be safe, dear. ~ Zhamila

Update. Just busy going through books with him, getting UA and FC scheduled and learning. He gets an A+ for effort this last week.

As I said in another post, he has turned a corner to him being concerned with me and how he is going to help me be safe and in love. That feels great :-)

How much UA are you getting?
Has he had any AOs at all since you last posted?
Is he using the worksheets?

We have 15 hours of UA scheduled but have already exceeded it. Most likely get 20 + hours this week.

No AO's No DJ's and No SD either.

Yes, we are working the worksheets -just haven't started the AO ones yet, but hope to tonight.

*And Prisca... I am glad you came back to help other people like me :-)*

That is very good news Keep that UA up! And keep us posted.

Thank you I only want to help people find what I now have.

Hi Elaina!

I hope that "no news is good news?"

Would love an update on how you all are doing, if you have a chance.

Hi! Haven't been able to get online much... My DD8 has been in the hospital since last Wed and will hopefully get out Monday so Haven't had UA time, just trying to cope.
Her being sick just makes things go at a standstill of sorts but can tell just how weak our marriage is because of it. No AO's and he is trying to be sweet.

I'm sorry your daughter has been in the hospital - hugs.

Glad there are no AOs. What does this mean: "and he is trying to be sweet." - Sounds like you recognize his efforts but they may be missing the mark?

I wonder if you feel ok talking to him about this? Or if you have time set aside for discussions about your relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts. Trying means he is at least driving me and doing things that he thinks might help me. He isn't missing the mark there, but what I really wish I had was a friend.
We can't talk about anything important.(So NO, I can't bring this up)
It is my daughter and he hates her.(She is the one he claims is this crazy girl) He thinks raising my kids is a total sacrifice on his part.

I am holding it together and have no one to turn to. I can't talk to him about my own daughter when it is serious. I can't really talk to him about anything.

I am just feeling so very very lonely.

He will come up and get upset that I am not talking to him but I can't. I just don't trust him with my thoughts, my feelings or emotions. I wish I could cry in his arms.... but I can't.

He can bring me all the food I need and even be sitting with me, holding my hand but nothing makes up for a person I can talk to and share my life with.

Good news is DD came home today
Still caring for her a bit but I am so so so tremendously sad at the state of my marriage. Again, I feel so alone.

The other part of this is that he really has no idea I feel this way. I am not being RH yet as I still find myself in fear and can't just settle those feelings overnight.
I am sure he thinks he did a great job (and it isn't like he was angry or anything... he was affectionate, and tried to help in any way he could) All of that was great.... but anyone could have done those things for me.

My mother, a friend etc. What I don't feel like I have is a husband.

Does this make sense? I know in Harley terms, MY LB is supper low.

Right now I am even debating whether or not to post this as I am afraid of his response to it.

((((Elaina))))

It makes perfect sense. You must feel safe in order to be RH. If in the past you've been honest with him and he has punished you for it, a couple of days without AOs isn't going to change your hesitancy.

I will defer to other posters on advice, because this is too personal for me: I was in an abusive marriage, I worked hard to be RH while respectful, and was punished over and over for it. Even when I wasn't RH - just withdrawn because of fear - I was punished for not being ecstatic with the way he treated me. He would scream at me for being afraid of him. Eventually I spiralled into depression, my physical health suffered and I separated from him. We're divorced now.

I've read your H's posts, where he rants about you hiding your feelings from him. They trigger me, because he isn't wanting to solve the problem - his abuse - he just wants you to 'smile' and accept his treatment. My H did the same thing. He told Steve Harley that he had the EN of "Honesty," and his worksheet literally said he only wanted to hear "nice things." Steve tried to point out that this isn't really honesty, but my H did not listen. (sigh)

Please be safe. If you feel that something you post will make your situation more difficult (this was true for me!), then I urge you to do three things:
1. Instead of posting here, keep a journal in a safe place. Write down all your honest thoughts and feelings and review it as needed to determine your next steps.
2. Consider calling an abuse hotline and hear what they have to say. This may sound radical, but you'll be able to tell a skilled stranger your situation, and they'll be able to tell you whether it's 'abuse' - or not. You'll be VERY relieved if they tell you it is not. And you'll feel very affirmed if they tell you it is, and they can recommend sources of support for your situation.
3. Consider writing to Dr. Harley's radio show. I personally would love to hear his answer to the question: "I don't always feel safe with my husband. What if he punishes me when I tell him how I feel (afraid of him, lonely, withdrawn)? Is it ever ok NOT to be radically honest?"

This is something Steve Harley worked with me on: he said it's VERY IMPORTANT to have a safe place to get help. He said that honesty is very important too, but that safety trumps radical honesty. My H would break into my emails to Steve during our counseling and would punish me for the contents. I felt utterly alone, with literally no safe place to get help. He even broke into my journals and punished me for having my own private feelings and thoughts! None of them were disrespectful: they were simply me saying things like, "I'm lonely." or "I'm afraid." He went ballistic.

Anyway, other posters can come and give different advice - perhaps more in line with MB? I don't know.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, dear.