I had the exact same issue with my abusive xH: everything my kids did irritated him. I worked really hard to order our lives so that they wouldn't be a source of frustration for him. But he would go ape-sh*t over one of them forgetting to hang up a backpack. This from the man whose daughter was doing drugs and sleeping around.

I was careful to never address issues with his daughter - I would discuss it with him and let him take care of it. He was not able to show me and my children the same respect: he insisted on harsh punishments and would explode in anger.

Now that I'm out of it (a VERY difficult decision, because I was 'determined' to make the 2nd marriage work!) I can see that his abusive and controlling behavior prevented the solving of every other problem. And I realized that I didn't want my children to suffer: I may have chosen him, but they certainly did NOT, and my most basic responsibility as their mother was to ensure that I give them a safe home.



But you didn't come here to hear MY story! (sorry!)

In sum, unless your H completely eliminates all demands, disrespect and anger, he is dooming his marriage to failure. I hope he chooses to get on the path - and stay on it.

One last thing: if your H DOES seem safe, consider discussing some of your feelings - respectfully - with him.

See how he does, give him a chance.

If he responds appropriately (i.e. listens non-defensively, helps solve the problem) - GREAT!

If he gets defensive, angry, or blames you...well, you have your answer and should plan to separate. He's pooping in his own nest and you don't need to keep rolling around in it.

I just wanted to give a quick update.

Things have been going up and down-we do get some great UA time in here and there but not 15 hours normally. At least when we are engaged in UA time, it is pleasant and fun.

I just don't want to post here. I don't think it is helpful and all it does is deplete my LB balance. Ernie just goes on and on and on about what I write here. Its not worth the punishment.

He isn't "angry" about it-but would this still be considered an AO? I was thinking he isn't having them any more but he is a Very emotional person.

It stinks as I think all of yall could be a great help to us but I am not willing to do it right now. (Which makes me sad)

I encourage you to make 15 hours of UA time a PRIORITY in life!
Dr Harley regularly says on his Radio Show to build your life around your UA Time!

If you aren't going to be posting I encourage you to listen to Dr Harley's Radio Show daily. You can find the links to it on the main website

Thanks Jedi
I already listen to the radio, have read every book Dr Harley owns, read the forum daily and keep the concepts at the for front of my mind. I am doing what I can do to practice them.

What I wish is that Ernie would like to implement the principles as well. He likes some of them and isn't "against" any of it.... he just won't make time for it.

Focusing more on UA time. Gottcha.

Yes, Elaina - if you are feeling punished for what you write here, then what he is doing is an angry outburst, period.

He needs to move out until he is willing to take his anger problem seriously. Please read my wife's thread "How to deal with an angry husband."

Hi, Elaina,

I've just come from your husband's thread where I can see that he hasn't been working to understand disrespectful judgments at all. I don't give this much hope unless he starts taking seriously his need to learn to identify and eliminate disrespect on his part.

Here are two posts I made over there, partly addressed to you. I hope you are still reading.



I would contact the moderators immediately and ask for helping making this a safe place for you to post. You need MORE support at this time, not LESS, and so this forum should not be cut off as a source of help for you if possible.

Excellent suggestion, Elaina, and I hope you follow it.

Well, I just got back home. I just finished reading Ernie's posts.

I don't know what to say.

Where does one begin.

Are you okay, Elaina?

I am not sure why he is saying we have a special needs child- yes, she does have different needs but isn't special needs per say to what others think of it.
She is major depressed and hurting herself- which is why see was in the hospital.

She is depressed and taking meds now which are working but it does effect her ability to do well in school and remembering to pick up after herself and she can be disrespectful. She is seeing a doctor and a counselor now etc.

Having Ernie in the house doesn't help as it feels like he hates her and is constantly telling her to get away from him if she asks him a question. There are a large amount of things that he does that I find unacceptable with her and horribly mean. "He got upset that I wrote that before but it is how I feel, how she feels, how my son feels etc".

Second, why is he talking about babysitters. We have two 14 year old boys who live in our house who babysit for us anytime we want really. We just have to make sure that we schedule things so they can still see friends etc. My daughter is not impossible to watch. She is normal and smart in every other way. Our two year old is also easy.

I have no idea about money. I don't even want to discuss it. It is the subject of no return.

I do appreciate everyone talking to him. He is out spending an hour reading the book LB right now.

I'm sorry Elaina. You are right to wonder why he is talking about babysitters, especially if you don't need a babysitter.

Ernie does need to continue to listen to your respectful complaints. And as Markos has said on Ernie's thread and your thread, if you feel that you need to communicate with the moderators, then do it. The forum is here for your support. We are here to listen and help you if we can.

Hang in there for now.

x3

If he says or does anything else again I will contact the moderators. Thank you-I did not even know that was possible.

I'd say go ahead and contact them now and set up a plan.

Elaina7, please contact the moderators about this issue.

Hi all. I have been thinking of a few things - I don't want him to quit posting as it has been this forum that has been able to get through to him.

Two, should I not read his posts? Not comment on what he writes?

This is hard. I so very much want us to work and can see him trying (reading books, etc) but I feel like every step we take is like moving through mud and it has just been so hard.

How does one forget the past? I have a hard time forgetting all the mean actions/words, even when he is nice, my heart believes what he said in those times are actually the truth.

I am an extremely sweet person. I am a strong Christian. I smile a bunch and love to sing. I only weigh a smidgen past 100 pounds... Am Pettit and have a gift of empathy like crazy. Ernie is the only person who has told me I "exaggerate" or lie. I can ask some folks and find out.
It is true that I don't yell or go emotional trying to complain, but I AM a very direct person. " I can't stand stuff getting on the kitchen table, would you be enthusiastic about not putting anything on it? " I then smile as and Ernie will say no problem, yes I agree.
I get frustrated at his then not doing it. If he was honest, he Knows Exactly what I want him to do and not do. There isn't true POJA going on, as he doesn't follow through on agreements.

There are things he will not do -has told me so & they upset me as well. As an example: He called me a controlling prison warden & needy a long time just because I wanted him to tell me where he was and what he was doing.

I don't know how to set up boundaries obviously.I have a giver part of me on crack I don't repay evil for evil: I don't have an AO or call names or demand or guilt etc. I just don't want to be around him then, I can't sleep in the same bed and we continue on as strange room mates.

It just feels like I had to pull teeth just to try to get some attention and care from him. This hurts - I was convinced he hated me and was sorry he married me for most of our marriage- not from direct words, but just the way everything went. I still feel like as I ask for things, he thinks it is soooo hard to be married to me, I'm not worth the effort and I must be a strange women to want that.
He tells me constantly how hard marriage is.

I think he's worth it though. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. It took So much for me to marry him because of my ex. ( fear of getting into an abusive marriage again/ but my ex loved to torture & it's a miracle I am alive the numerous times he tried to kill me)

He/ our marriage is worth the pain of now, to get to a great place. I can't do this alone though.

So that was just a bunch of rambling thanks for reading.

What is step one for me (other than emailing mods?)
I am here and willing to learn.

Elaina it's pretty clear to me from your husband's thread that he has a huge admiration need - that's also why he hates complaints/criticism like poison. I have a high admiration need, so I get how he is feeling beat up but quite simply he needs to get over it.

It's like telling your bank not to send you any more statements because it makes unpleasant reading!

I am SURE that your softly spoken, respectful way of raising complaints was one of the things that drew him to you during courtship. But now that you're in a marriage he has to actually RESPOND to your respectful complaints. It is normal for complaints to be very common, and for them to originate mainly from the female perspective. He needs to get that and stop treating you like you are some sort of faulty alarm.

He needs to develop the skills to expect a complaint/conflict every hour and to be able to handle them efficiently. Right now his skill level for this is disastrous. He either categorises them as 'She was polite so it's No Big Deal' or 'She's exaggerating/overreacting'.

Do give admiration where you feel it is warranted, such as with the efforts he is making to read materials. Give that well deserved admiration hit. However his constant attempts to avoid complaints can't be tolerated. Stand your ground fairly but firmly. Appeal to his need for admiration by saying it is likely to follow a successfully resolved complaint too. Like how much you would appreciate it/how it would make you feel/how much it meant when he did something similar ..etc