Can you tell us about your Plan A efforts?

What are her top ENs? What are you doing to meet them?

She can see I'm changing and trying to change but doesn't believe it will last. My strength is going from being beaten with her resentment. She doesn't want to let it go. I'm trying to deposit in a closed bank while mine is emptying fast

What are her top ENs? What are you doing to meet these?

Fighting to kill an affair needs a extensive exposure, done all at once, without telling WW that you are going to expose before you do it.

Plan A as with exposure takes time to work as well. To expect results after 2 weeks or 2 months when Dr H says men need to expose 6 months to 2 years is not realistic.

Also it is normal for WW to be mad at exposure and tell you she wants a divorce when you are plan A'ing her. The WW is not detoxed from her affair and is using tactics to get you to give up trying to save your marriage.

WW is not your wife. WW is your enemy trying to defeat you. you are at war. since when do you believe your enemy and do what they want?

Everyone in the marital state of withdrawl has closed their love bank to their spouse. However, you can trickle in some deposits here and there.
When the affair ends is when they often are willing to reopen the love bank.

Soo tired so confused. Last post woke me up a bit. Been listing ENs and realising they've been topic of conversation for years. It's only took an affair to realise what I've been doing lately to try and meet those needs has been missing(I will list and explain later). She finds it almost insulting that I didn't meet them when asked before. And we have been here before many times. It improves for 5 minutes then back to taking the marriage for granted. I'm constantly considering leaving to get some space and clear my head, it wouldnt take long. She says she doesn't want me to meet those needs, I can't make her happy. I do find little chances to do so anyway. Even if its something simple like making her bed. It's like sometimes she forgets to be mad at me then remembers all the crap I've done in the past. And I have done some crap. I think it annoys her that I won't let her push me away. Keep trying to remind myself if she wants a divorce she will have to bring it, she doesn't want to get nasty but will and I don't want to walk away. (Also its all about what I want). Looked at some plan B templates and one thing was to include happier times so I keep trying to drop these in talks now.
The ENs are Affection, Sexual fulfilment, Financial support, Domestic support and Recreational companionship. I will try to cover one by one including how I feel I have failed before as I can still learn from it.

Yes, Making bed...small love bank depoits...
Dr. Harley once encouraged a caller to wash windows of the house because it was the only thing he could do to make LB depoits with his ex wife. Harley said over time, she may allow him to make other small deposits elsewhere.

But during an affair, there are NO love bank deposits.
Plan A allows you to be an alternative to the affair partner and a lasting memory in the waywards foggy head to remember in case you enter Plan B

Trying to hang in there. She keeps banging on that we are over and gets mad that I'm not listening. But I pry conversation out by asking about her day and how she is. May of overdone the flowers she says I've spoilt it for her as over the years they've usually been as an apology. Apart from her birthday where flowers are mandatory I sent her some at work just to cheer her up and if there's none in the house I get them to brighten it up( her favourites of course). She even asks me to rub her feet when she's too tired to argue ( I looked up techniques last time we hit a slump). I used to ignore her a lot watching tv but now if I'm home before her I wait to get her bags. I give her attention when she lets me even if its a text to see how she is. She may not want me to try to meet her needs but I will keep doing the little things until the papers come or I run.

Effective plan A means picking your spots, but always being genuinely thoughtful and caring. But not a door mat and not a wimp. Find the right balance.

At the same time stand firm on your boundaries. Do nothing to enable her affair.

Wife been in withdrawal before A. I can see why she can't see marriage working. But I cannot condone A and have told her so. We keep going in circles I point out if she wants us to end in the happy friendly way she wants she must end A completely before we can talk about our needs. She is conflicted between hurting me further and getting what she wants. Says I don't make her happy he does. Yet I still try.

MIL back from vacation tomorrow this should be interesting. I respect her opinion and while she agrees marriage may well be over she told me not to make it easy on wife to continue A. Much of the conversation with wife last night was me not accepting. Wife wants me to go so she can say I left her instead of having to throw me out because I couldn't see it's over. Wife away tonight! Think she's hoping I'm gone when she gets back. One more day at a time maybe

Left her a tea before I left for work, she was still in bed but knew she would be up when I left.

Question. She may not be home when I get back and I don't want to sulk all day if she has gone on 'trip' (can't chain her indoors)! I have to message her rather than stay dark all day. How should the content be? I know I should not pile on the I love you etc?

I agree, the taxing part is when she counters with all the negative things you have done and can't see anything else. You may remind her of the good times but she doesn't want to see it. Strength is needed and it helps to know you're not alone in this situation and advice is coming from people who have been here before. The smallest thing can always count

Blue,
Your wife says that it is too late to meet her needs. My wife said the same thing to me. But by that point, I had already read Dr. Harley's books and they created a change in me that I applied in Plan A. So as you do your Plan A, do not overdo it. Don't smother your wife and do not pander to her like a weakling. Be a good husband with quiet confidence and humility. Avoid talking about the relationship or even the affair. I would suggest writing her a letter that explains to her that she is the love of your life, that you're sorry past neglect, that you have learned to be better husband, and that you have a plan that will restore your marriage to a happy, passionate one. I would also let her know that you cannot abide the affair, that it has devastated you, and that if it doesn't end you will file for legal separation. Once the letter has been delivered and read, try to avoid discussing the relationship as that will negate the love bank deposits you are making.

So as you commit to Plan A, be aware that it is a process, and it takes time to see it through. My sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of months ago. She had a double mastectomy and will be undergoing radiation treatment for the next few weeks. It's been a difficult trial for her. Plan A works the same way. You come up with a battle plan to eliminate the cancer (in this case the affair) and you execute the plan even though it is very painful. It could take a few weeks to crush the affair or it could take more than a year. Tranquildark who posts here regularly, experienced his D-day in September of 2012 and he is still in Plan A. I did it for 18 months. The most difficult 18 months of my life. The point is, don't expect changes over night. But do expect that if you follow the plan right, you will have done the very best you can to save your marriage, and that is all the matters whatever the outcome.

Even though your wife is in the fog, she will note that you are a better husband, better father, better person. Years of resentment and her addiction to her affair partner may not allow your changes to extinguish her love for the other man right away. But you are planting seeds were planted and when her affair goes south, as the great majority do, she will know that coming back home is her best option.

Thanks for the sound advice. I guess beating her round the head with the A every chance I get will only do more harm. But I must be remindful that I do not condone it. I have written a letter before apologising for hurts and where I see our future but it was not very well constructed nor did I have any of the advice or learning I have found here. I agree I'm impatient and also prone to panic. My instinct much of the time is to flee. But many of the threads I have read have made me hold my course. If I was going to devote my energy to a PB letter why not try this first.
Yes my wife is angry and heavy in the fog but she is not yet desperate enough or that vicious to evict me just yet. Only I can make her do that if I lose control.
So instead of packing up I should tidy up. I will not flush things down the toilet in panic, I will fix the toilet (we actually have a broken toilet). Made me laugh!
And maybe I will finish the posts on how I'm trying to meet her needs as advice there would be better served than eliminating my self pity.
As you say I must do the very best I can whatever the outcome, that's all that matters

Making deposits is as throwing stones into the water. You do not see the effort of your work until enough rocks have piled up until they almost reach the surface.

Talking about divorce is not plan A. WW brings up divorce, ignore, stay calm, change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

Taking good advice on board. I posted before 'Rule Number 1 Smile' and I'm trying to stick to that and a positive attitude. Taking this time to list ENs and how I can tackle them. Even if they are pebbles not stones. Not log ago I changed the wallpaper picture on my phone to one of happier times to remind me why I am doing this. Today I added a daily reminder to ask what Have I done today. It does help to be given motivation from others but first I have to motivate myself.

Probably a bad analogy but reading threads on here is like reading Barney Stinsons playbook. I was struggling for ideas to meet her ENs but there are many I can adapt to my marriage. If I only retain a portion of the knowledge here I know I will be a better person for it.

Hello, I am following your thread, you're getting great advice so nothing more to offer, but I just wanted to say that I notice a change in your attitude in just these few days. For the better.

I'm really impressed with your dedication to keeping a good attitude.