Thanks. I think I researched all the worst case scenarios to death and realised I'd find the answers in searching myself. And I found myself remembering 20 years ago being a teenager trying to make sense of life/love. One thing I wrote to myself back then 'A life without love is a loveless life, a loveless life is no life, you need love to live or living is no use at all'.
It could be sombre but my recollection is if you have it give it even if you don't get a return.

LOL. Men that seduce women regularly are experts in meeting key emotional needs and seducing women.
Also, they look for weak boundaries.

What Plan A efforts did you do today?

What are her top 5 ENs?

If you watch this interview with dr. Harley (its a podcast), he basically says the same thing!

Yesterday was pretty much a bust as there was still a lot of bad feeling from the day before where she wanted to 'talk' and I hit her with 'I want us to work on a loving marriage where both of our needs are met only if you end affair'. I heard nothing from her yesterday as I was on a long shift at work and she went away for the day and night. I was wary of enabling her but more wary of having an AO myself. I did manage a text (it was read) that said 'I am not mad with you. You are important to me and I do care for you'.
She probably thinks I am doing something reckless like getting falling down drunk. I'm off the booze, its been key to many LBs and has been a common factor in or marriage. 49 days sober and she is proud of me for it, more importantly I am proud of me for it. She also probably thinks that like in many arguments before I will walk away. I'm sure shes half expecting to come home today to find I have packed up and left. No work today and I do not expect to see her until late tonight.

ENs, trying to brainstorm them individually I find many overlap.
Top 5 are Affection, Sexual Fulfillment, Financial Support, Domestic Support and Recreational Companionship.

The second listed is going to be tricky (its off the cards in the current situation). Even hugs and pecks on cheek have been withdrawn at the moment. But I can put Conversation in to the mix also.
Today I am not working. She is not at home so we are not fighting. I guess I better focus on Domestic support. The house is a tip, been too busy fighting!
Also there is a picture that needs hanging in the middle bedroom. This is important as if we were able to have children we would of used that room. We have used it in the past to host foreign students (for extra money but also I think to create a family feel in the home), now the most important guest has been her niece.
I think this touches on Affection also. I could go on, my own EN playbook is continuously filling but I have work to do!

This may all be blown out of the water tonight after she talks to MIL about exposure. Also her going away. I do think I have already got across how much it has hurt me and I cannot abide it, it is not acceptable. Shes going to expect a reaction when she returns, do I?

Plan A is not about reacting, teaching the WW, arguing.

The carrot?

No I meant the stick?

Ordered SAA should have it tomorrow. Just remembered from Saturdays 'interactions' I offered to for us to work on marriage and was met with 'why whats in it for me'. Not seeing this as a hopeful statement of willing but a need for me to be able to answer this question. Recovery through to loving marriage I need to know what I am offering!

You are offering her the opportunity for wonderful marriage, one that is romantic, passionate, and safe for both of you.

You are offering her your willingness to meet her emotional needs and eliminate all your lovebusters, if she will end her affair.

You are offering to put her first in your life.

Yep! That's what I've been saying. Gently gently I will keep on. I want to shout it at her but no its not the volume of noise that is required.

Biting my tongue with myself! One of her complaints is my lack of support around the home. Probably most husbands like me needed some training in domestic chores in the early days of the marriage (something she pointed out to me in recent arguments). But as the years go on a mutual division of labour occurs. The only real complaints she has now is my avoidance of the bathroom (overcome and tackled) and my ineptitude at Laundry (fair to say we leave this one as its safer for me to stay away from her smalls). I'm winding myself up tallying off the amount I do compared to her and I come out on top. Granted my work pattern makes it more manageable for me, but I want to throw this back at her negating her argument. I recall her being out of work and noticing she had done nothing round the home to keep on top of things. But I didnt notice her depression as she felt worthless for losing her job and financial support. I think my point is many of her ENs overlap and I can see where I failed and I can see where the work is needed. More importantly by having expectations I am only meeting my needs for myself and not focusing on hers.

I'm aware that I'm posting a lot of status updates rather than facts. But I'm in a battle and I need to be mentally prepared and know my direction.
I liked the advice to write a letter, I even went out and got some nice stationery to use rather than some ratty notepaper. I was not keen on setting ultimatums such as legal separation as I feel this at odds with plan A. If I discuss separation I must consider divorce. Divorce is not plan A.

I think it comes down to natural reflex like I had today in a text conversation with my brother. He was a first contact when I discovered the Affair and his initial reaction was anger at my WS and advice to ensure I protect my assets. Now he generally asks how I'm doing. Today he asked 'How are your plans going? I assume your still at home?' My reply
'Oh yes. Place a tip busy cleaning while she's not here. This is a war I'm not going to win with harsh words and outrageous actions. I've got to balance the 'nice' with not tolerating the situation until she gives up, kicks me out or I leave. I think she wants me to leave so she can say I left her. But for now I must keep my head. Whatever way I win.
And the advice about patience very good. I'm already behind enemy lines!

You aren't going to toilet scrub your way back into her heart. Particularly when she's not even there.

It's very common for WS's or those in withdrawal to stress the importance of the non intimate needs. In their ideal world, you will pick up all the slack with the chores while she gets the intimate needs met by OM.

Remember that she's an addict in a fog high. Even though she is directing you to this busy work she isn't going to remember whether it was even done.

I'm not saying to ignore her complaints or leave it, I'm just saying concentrate on the biggies. The stuff she DOESNT want you to do, like show affection.

Meet DS by all means, but cunningly turn it into affection. Make her favorite dinner. Put out her favorite flowers. Put those cookies she likes on the table with a cute and funny note.

Notes are good because they have longevity and a wayward will never throw away cake, even if they were trying to diet. Other gifts will work too. Showing an interest in her problems, asking about her day.

But the all time biggie is getting in the way of her A. There is no more powerful sign of male affection than a H who refuses to stand by while his wife cats around.

Where is she going when she is out of the house?

Pretty much mon-Fri she is home with me if I'm not working nights. Sundays is the day. From what I can glean OM has kids at weekend she never makes excuses on a Saturday! So I think they are returned before Sunday night. I work pretty much every Sunday so she doesn't even have to sneak out and I think she goes to his place or places nearby. My best piece of intel so far is her phone. It's hard work trawling through the messages. Phone is never out of her sight so usually have to wait for her to go to sleep and sneak it away.
She's unrepentant and the way she's spun it to friends they don't have a problem with it, I'm the only one who does and it's sour grapes.

She's more guarded now since exposure. Normally we sleep with bedroom doors open. Hers is now closed!

If you guys are going to help I need to stop holding back. Tonight she got back about 930 from a night away yesterday with OM. Saturday we spent arguing. Me saying I want to work on M if you give up A. She hates me calling it an Affair as she sees us as over and feels she is doing no wrong, if I don't like it I know where the door is.
So tonight she asks if we are going to argue all night again. I say 'you know how I feel'. She says 'you know how I feel'. Stalemate, so I keep the peace to keep her from shutting me out. I think by giving it a rest it will give me more time to work on her and her ENs. We share some company and tv not much said. Then as she's going to her room I say 'I'm not giving up on you you know'. My response is a huff and 'I'm going to bed' said in an I can't do this [censored] tone.

Every morning I get up at the same time as her to share a cup of tea before she goes to work. I do this even if I don't have to get up. Is this me being affectionate or a sad puppy?

You should not be arguing at all with your wife. Arguing is a big love buster and will serve to justify her affair in her own mind by convincing her that you and she don't get along. Don't argue. At all.

Having a cup of tea with your wife is a great idea. Just make sure that the time together has no lovebusters.

Plan A is part meeting the ENs that she will allow and part eliminating all your love busters.