I was supossed to be at ease with his call. His words.

Did you tell him you weren't?

What are you doing to get your AOs under control?

Any progress on moving?

He doesn't get to define the EPs and what "should" put you at ease though. The solution is not to try to change your reaction to something he is doing, no matter what it is. EP or not. He should simply not do it. Most things you can POJA on, but EPs after an A are not negotiable.

Of course, he has to willingly agree to follow them and then, well, follow them!

That said, your long conversation and eventual AO was ultimately an attempt at control on your part. You are trying to force him to care for you, and that won't work. All you can do is lay your EPs out there, let him know when he violates one (with respect), and if he continues to break them, remove yourself from the relationship with a separation.

Remember that SDs lead to DJs, and DJs lead to AOs. When it comes to EPs, demands are OK. Just don't go further than that. No DJs and no AOs.

But be firm on your EPs. They are what they are. You don't have to have long conversations about them. They are for your emotional protection. He either follows them or you separate from him. Those are your two choices.

Yes, I did tell him I was not at ease.

I'm starting the chapter on AO's tonight. I was waiting to do it together, but we are stuck in another chapter.

Yes moving... I've been applying to different places, and have no answer, we talked about moving and starting a business together if I don't find something soon.

Yes I get it, I find it extremely painful to see that I have to make him care for me, and I get frustrated. I have to work on myself about this.

It is concerning that he still isn't putting extraordinary care for you.

How are you? Are you on ADs?

Have you emailed Dr Harley recently?

Not on AD's

I have emailed Dr. H. actually, not about this particular issue.

How would separation look like right now? What would be the requirements for him to come back? Would it be plan B?

No. You don't.

And you can't.

What you CAN do is hep him work on building habits that demonstrate care. Him FEELING care isn't as important as DEMONSTRATING care in his actions.

Make sense?


Focus on the ACTIONS, not his thoughts or feelings about them. Focus on him learning to act within POJA. When his ACTIONS demonstrate care and protection, then YOU will feel cared for and protected.

I would email Dr. Harley.

Since he isn't in an active affair, but still acting wayward then yes it would be Plan B.

I'm very concerned for your health, because you seem depressed. Which is totally understandable since he's still acting wayward. How are you eating, sleeping, exercising?

Would he be willing to be on the show with you, to talk with Dr. Harley?

HHH do you mean I have to tell him exactly what to do. Like, you don't have to drive by campus. Forgive me if I sound harsh or naive, but I'm genuinely confused. I'm afraid to be doing something wrong.

BH,thanks for your concern. I just emailed Dr. H, asking about separation.

Let us know what he says.

How are you eating and sleeping?

Hi Alada, I'm sorry to read this.

Like FTF said, EPs are to help you to feel safe as well as to protect your M from another A.

YOU design the EPs for what you absolutely must have in order to feel safe enough to stay in the M and work towards recovery. EPs are not negotiable. Your H doesn't get to discuss and negotiate why it is "okay" if he breaks them.

For instance, YOU can look at a map and design a circumference area plotted out that he is not allowed to drive within. Write it down and give him a copy. Also list that if he breaks it, thus and such will happen.

YES, you have to tell him exactly what is expected of him as far as EPs go. EPs are demands yes (but no DJs or AOs about them�they just ARE what he must do in order for you to stay in the M).

As far as him learning to care for you, that can be within POJA (no demands). You two CAN negotiate for what each of you need for that. And unless there is enthusiastic agreement, then it's a no go.

But it doesn't work like that for EPs. EPs are non-negotiable.

Bh, yes I'm taking good care of myself. I'm still nursing and I understand my baby needs me complete right now.

BS, is always nice to read your words, thanks for stopping by and reassure me about EP's

I'm still awaiting Dr. H's response, will get back to you all.

Yes. But not with a long conversation that ends with an angry outburst.


Instead, it's much shorter; "I don't feel safe when you drive by campus."

His thoughts or feelings beyond that are irrelevant. His action is what is required.

Have you heard back from the Harleys? If not, notify the MODS and they will relay the message.

I think they are discussing it in today's show. Will let you know if they do it.

They discussed this yesterday I am pretty sure. If you listen to the rebroadcast RIGHT NOW it should be on there. It won't be there in 40 mnutes because the new show will be uploaded.

Are you supporting your H? And does he watch the kids?

Oh really!! Let me run the rebroadcast. thanks for the headsup

Yes I am supporting my H, he is working part time a sales job and is not making much, if at all.

What do you mean watching the kids? He works from 11 to 4. I get home around 3pm. So no, he is rarely alone with the kids.

It is too late to hear it now because todays show will have been uploaded. I think the assumption from reading your email [if this was you]is that you support your husband therefore, he must be home watching the children. unfortunately, you won't be able to listen until the shows are uploaded into the archives.

hmm I wonder though, in my email I let them know about him "driving by campus' to do an installation, I never implied I support him. I will email Joyce and ask her about it.

I did not got an email about my question being on the show, so I wonder.

thanks!