Indie,

I appreciate your insightful comment; hadn't thought of it that way.

Yes...it isnt too compelling yet, or, the reasons for NOT moving are more important/compelling to us than the existence of the POSOM (he being a reason).

I/We don't fear or see OM as a 'threat' to our marriage...I have no doubt we do our best with EPs. ENs, etc to protect and care care for our marriage. It's funny, but to me, I don't 'fear' OM...(the vets often say its the OP that should fear the BS!)

It's just knowing this thing, this OM, is out there...and that there's the POSSIBILITY of a run-in...or the POSSIBILITY that he gets work at the same location my W works, or whatever.

And that POSSIBILITY gets diminished, if not eliminated, moving 6-8 hours away, instaed of being 40-45 minutes away...

Is it more of the fear of the unknown that Im feeling...hmmmm, I'm not ssure...

If you had moved far away at the start of recovery your parents health would of been better making their move easier.

You would not be triggering now.

You would not be worrying about OM showing up at your WW new job.

You are the guy that keeps going to a bar on Saturday night and get beat up. You complain all week. The come the next Saturday you go back to the same bar and get beat up again. Week after week.

Complaining that it is the bullies fault that you are still getting the manure knocked out of you each week.

You have decided to let the OM to keep impacting your life because you refuse to take action to remove the OM from your life.

You think that life is fair. Kids get trophies for showing up to play a sport. Is it fair that they all get trophies? No they are taught that you do not have to earn things. Just show up.

Well you need to stop showing up to life. Go past that.

So, your theory is that our not moving CAUSED M-I-L's health to deteriorate?

Well, alrighty then....

Also, please don't tell me what I think about life, fairness, or trophies.

Go DJ a different poster today.

Thanks, and be well.

I don't think that is what The Road meant. The meaning is that a few years ago, your in-laws health would have been better, simply because they would have been that much younger. It's not that your staying CAUSED the ill health, but in the years that passed since the affair, their health became worse.

The Road suggests that had the move taken place during your recovery, it might have been easier since their health has declined since then.

I agree. I also think that you have no idea what OTHER reasons to stay are waiting for you in three years time.

It stands to reason that in those three years things will not stand still. More things will happen, you will make more ties, not less. The best time to go is always now!

But I don't think you will until it gets more compelling. Right now you're being worn down by inches and you can handle it today, this week, this month. Much more? I don't think so. I know it won't take three years for you to reach the breaking point. You'll get there a lot sooner than that.

I just hope the 'compulsion' breaking point comes before the marriage breaking point. I don't think you two deserve that.

If I misinterpreted Road's point, then I apologize.

Good points, all.

Spot on, Indie.

It's not compelling 'enough' for either of us yet. I feel like HFM is more secure in staying and adamant about NOT giving up control of her life to the OM...diminish the 'power' he has, that I feel she thinks I give too much power to OM over our current marriage.

For example, whereas I want NO part of going to this ballfield located near POS's house, W doesn't have that consternation, wants to give it no weight, no meaning, and states she won't live in a cage or hide under the covers or live paralyzed because of that scuzball...that we need to make 'new, happy memories' in our new marriage -- even if that means overlapping places, locales that are triggers -- effectively, trying to neutralize it as a trigger.

I think her feeling is not to run and hide from a place because of the A, but remove it as a trigger by watching our son, as a family, simply play ball...create a new, happy memory to erase the old.

Thank you.

This shows your wife's lack of empathy to you regarding triggers and evokes the "Why don't you just get over it?" mentality.

AM

AM,

I would agree to a point....I think.

I feel she is aware of my feelings and is sympathetic, but she also feels -- not in a flippant or angry (at least not toward ME) way -- that I am keeping the OM 'alive', or asigning more meaning to that time, or him, than SHE is or even wants to be this far along...that I am empowering the POS in our new marriage, while she wants it/him to have NONE and thus I am hindering our growth/healing/keeping us rooted in actions 4 years in the past. Not moving forward.

I've heard Dr H refer to 'why should it bother you' questions as 'bogged down' thinking. The fact is, it bothers you. It is easier to change actions than reactions.

He was talking about PoJA, but it applies to triggers too. 'Why should it bother you' is bogged down thinking - the fact is that it does.

It does bother her too and spitting in to the wind and claiming 'It shouldn't' doesn't change that.

How does one effectively change "bogged down" thinking according to Dr. H?

Have you listened to these?
How to Deal With Triggers According to Dr. Harley

Stop getting 'bogged down' by this idea you shouldn't feel this way.

You do. Accept it.

Now that you've stopped straining against the impossible 'I shouldn't feel this way' mantra what are your realistic choice?

a) Putting up with the source of the frustration. Living a frustrating life.
b) Removing it. Living a life free of the frustration.

I feel like I'm trying to create an a1/2, Indie:

-putting up with the source of frustration for an acceptable, finite time.


(BH, I'm listening NOW...)

Sometimes I feel my brain, my mind is so whacked now after her A, that it's skewed my thinking, my perspective of things.

I sometimes wonder if it so affected me that I just hold onto untruths, fears, that really do not exist?

BH,

Listened to those clips, thank you.

Some of my immediate thoughts from them:

*Dr. H discusses dribbling out A information. I feel W did trickle out information to me for a while, but that was through the first year or two of/after the A. Nothing the last 2 years.

I will admit I probably harbor much resentment still for that..finding out about cards, gifts, the hotels long after the initial confession of information

*I think I still question things, however...I haven't closed off the obsessive thinking about it (BOTH of us are obsessive thinkers...)

*we don't discuss it any longer...except when an incident pops up -- and that has been seldom -- but now recently with the ballgame issue

Dr. H did mention 3 important factors:

1. EPs in place -- check
2. Transparency -- check
3. UA time -- no check...with work, grad school, etc. we have been a little inconsistent with this -- we acknowdledge it and do earnestly work toward the 15 hours per week, but I'll admit it has been a struggle.

That's what I took away from listening...

Well, you are supposed to never speak of the affair

We don't, only if one of us is triggered.

We do share with each other how/what we're feeling...O&H and all that...

So what are you going to do to improve your UA time?

Some more clips for you.

Resentment Type A and Type B

You did and no offense taken. I know that you are under stress and we do not have to agree.