BB,
You likely 'forgot' what negative occurrence or trauma occurred that set you off and caused you to break up with him in your past relationship with him.

It does not matter anymore, but I'm just saying he might have manifested 'something' that scared you off even back then and you have blocked it out to cope and hope now.

Did you see this?

Can you hire a PI? I think you need to find out about your H's SSL(secret second life). Or the very least put spyware on his devices.

You need to know what he's doing or how will you know what plan to use?

After I sent him the note per Melody's suggestion he unfriended me on FB - or rather he took his page down. I was completely shocked and asked him why - he said he wanted to change his page to make himself more public (WTH). I had a meltdown right then and there. I asked if we were every going to speak again and he said he didn't know. He wouldn't take my calls either and told me he doesn't want to speak to me for awhile and "can't help me with my problems anymore."

I guess it's over.

I'm assuming there's an A going on which is why he changed his FB page and unfriended me. I really don't need to know anymore about his dalliances at this point. I need to rest from all this before I have a stroke.

Bluebird: Your WH is a very cruel man!! I can't believe he unfriended you on FB!!

Yes he lacks compassion. That is a very big red flag to me.

Bluebird:

I know you are very upset with discovering just what kind of a man you married. That must be so traumatic, after carrying a torch for him for so many years.

The silver lining is that you are learning this NOW, not in 20 years time. Please consider the blessing that this is!

For one thing, you are freed of carrying that torch forever. You are freed of always wondering what might have been, had you not broken up those many years ago.

You are freed to discover your own interests, explore your world. Your future can be ANYTHING you choose! (Well, okay, you probably won't have a career as an Olympic gymnast... but there is not much else you cannot do at this stage in your life.) The entire world awaits you.

Open your mind to what CAN be, not the loss of your fantasy.

This man DOES NOT DESERVE YOU.

All I can do is go totally dark on him for my own mental health and worry about divorce down the road.

thanks cat for your caring response.

this is hard time.

He acts like a psychopath/sociopath to me. Sorry BB.

Have you set an appointment to see a doctor? Started to exercise?

You talked about getting a dog. How's that going?

Bluebird, I am sorry that he has hurt you so, but I have to agree to catwhit: it is better to find out now than in 20 years. He is a very uncaring man who cares nothing about your feelings and cares nothing about creating a happy marriage with you. I have to wonder if you weren't just part of some sexual fantasy of his?

Is he into S&M?

He talked about submissiveness with me with respect to SF but I never went there with him. Maybe that's part of his porn stuff.

I've decided to go dark on him for a couple of months and then file for divorce if he doesn't come around.

I no longer have access to his computer or phone so can't spy etc and really, no longer want to know.

I guess that's it for now. I really truly appreciate everyone's support and advice. Unfortunately, I met and married someone who was not what he appeared to be. It happens. I'll be staying where I am under a drs care until I can get stronger and feel human again.

Thank you again for your kindness. If anything new happens, I'll update on this same thread.

God Bless.

Thanks so much for taking the time everyone. The fact that he could be a sociopath is truly frightening. I'm really in a very bad place right now but as I said will update on this thread if some miracle happens, which I doubt.

I will be getting a dog though, which he never wanted.

If I ever get married again, I'll make sure the person reads HNHN with me before anything else!

BB, I think that is a great idea and I want you to know we will be here for you. I would strongly suggest that you do not contact him, but rather let him come after you. Let him be the pursuer. And if he does that while agreeing to your conditions, you would have something to consider. Otherwise, there is nothing here to save other than a miserable existence. I am so sorry.

Please check in as often as possible and let us support you. There is no reason you have to leave. We will be here for you.

Thanks Melody. I may well take you up on that offer. Certainly I'll be reading other threads to better inform myself.

cheers

bb

awesome


Actually it is even easier than that. Very early in the process you can start to use the Policy of Joint Agreement. Say, at date 2 or thereabouts. You can negotiate the time or place where you meet, keep it simple and small. No need to explain, just start negotiating. One of three things will happen;

1. He will get the idea and be enthusiastic (great)

2. He will pretend to get the idea but, because he was not open and honest about his wishes, it will not work out well for him so he will not be enthusiastic (oops)

3. He will not see the point at all because getting his own way by manipulating is all he knows (run)

POJA allows you to smoke out the problems very early on. You now have your very own built in dishonest or sociopathic personality type detector.

A lot has happened for you in a short while. I'm glad to hear you are going to see a doctor and your still planning to get yourself a dog.

A routine of walking your dog can really be great. And walking can relieve bouts of anxiety w/or without a dog. I think the gentle bilateral stimulation is great for calming the mind. And just taking in the natural world without any other purpose but to help you feel better really works.

An mental exercise I was given along my journey that helped my anxiety and helped me connect to my own internal wisdom:

Its a journal exercise.

Take a piece of paper. With your right hand or dominant writing hand ask yourself, "how can I help you?"

Then with your left hand or non-dominant hand, answer the question.

It is very surprising, even when feeling very anxious, the wise counsel I received from myself.

This is very empowering. When you have been through the trauma of dealing with a disastrous relationship, you lose confidence in yourself in how to protect yourself. Yes, applying MB will help.

Give it a try!

Bluebird,
I'm sorry that you are going through this heartbreak. But it is good that your husband showed his cards right away. At least you are not being yo-yo'd back in forth as some manipulative spouses do.

You were never going to fulfill his perverse addiction to sex or overcome his independent behavior. I am puzzled as to why he even married for a third time, when he seems much more content adding notches to his bedpost and carrying on as a perpetual bachelor.

Time to go a new direction. At 61 you still can enjoy the fullness of life. Don't let your first two marriages become markers of the future. They are not. Put it in your mind that your husbands failed the marriage, not you. In the meantime, make a good life for yourself. Become part of a community, keep yourself busy in activities, hobbies, and service.

Chime in here for support.

God bless.

Thanks everyone.

He actually made up a new FB page and blocked me, and has gone NC and does not want to hear from me so I guess it's truly over.
I know this because I made another FB acct and found him using a different e-mail address. It's sad he's behaving like a teenager and doing everything he can to inflict further pain.

I still find it very hard to believe as I remain very much in love with him. Stupid me.

bb

So sorry BB. Please block all avenues that you may be tempted to "look in on him". This will only extend your pain out and make your personal recovery tougher.

What are you plans for Easter?