I had an affair a year ago. Based on what I read I stopped meeting my wife needs of conversation and therefore she stopped meeting my sexual needs. I hate that I made that mistake and I have a huge guilt. I am not one of those guys that cheats on his wife. I greatly regretted and I don't want to marriage to end due to that reason. I feel that my family deserves a change.
The problem is that my wife says she doesn't love me anymore and that she does not believe she can get her love restored. She does not believe our son will have any consequences from the divorce. She has married parents and I don't. I lived a separation from my parents and I really wish my son does not have to go through that. My wife says she lost the commitment and refuses to try to restore our relationship. She says it has to come from within and not being forced but natural. She says she is not willing to do anything for our 14 year relationship, our family or our son. That is has to come from within her. I fear that is not going to happen since it will require a level of commitment and effort to restore our relationship. I love her very much and I believe she cares for me but is not in love anymore. She says she wants to be alone. I have been desperately trying to get her into it but unsuccessfully.
She says she tried but I do not feel she did. We went only once to therapy. And she did not want to go through treatment.
I am working very hard on Plan A with unconditional love and planning for Plan B. I believe I have been a great husband and my family deserves a chance. I asked her to complete an emotional needs and love buster questionnaires but it seems that she not even willing to do that. It's been one year since I had the affair.
Does anyone have any additional good advice to give me?
Is there any material I can show her to prove to her that the best for our son is that we love each other for life? Am I right to believe that?
Thanks.

Has your affair and behavior been exposed to everyone of influence in both your Wife's family and circle of friends and to your contacts too?

Do you EVER see or hear from or about the Other Women you had an affair with?

What conditions existed that allowed you to carry on a secret 2nd life behind your Betrayed Wife's back?

How have they been eliminated?

Are you familiar with a PROPER No Contact Letter?

Has one been sent out with your Wife's approval of the wording?

What EP's, Extraordinary Precautions have been implemented since the affair was discovered?

How did your Wife find out about your affair?

LTL

Also, YOU Don't Plan B her. That is for the Betrayed Spouse to do in most cases.

And, you have NOT been a Great husband. A Great husband would NEVER have inflicted so much pain and continuing trauma onto their spouse, the one who previously was the One person that they should have been able to trust more than anyone else in the world.

You "may" have had some good qualities, but knock yourself off that self proclaimed pedestal right now.

LTL

It isn't fair on posters for you to start a new thread in a new forum (why did you choose Recovery? You are nowhere near recovery!) and gloss over the details of your history, minimising the amount of betrayal that you put your wife through. You cannot get appropriate advice if you do not give an accurate picture of your circumstances.

Plan B is completely inappropriate for a man who betrayed his wife three times in recent times, as well as neglecting her needs before that. Plan B is a course of action open to the betrayed spouse, where the unfaithful spouse is in an affair and will not stop. What makes you think you should be using it? There is some evidence of an emotional affair on your wife's part, but you have not got nearly enough evidence of this, nor confronted and exposed it, and neither have you tried Plan A to combat it yet.

Plan B should only be used by a man whose wife is in a continuing affair as a last resort after a lengthy period of Plan A. Plan B is very risky to a marriage; it is a separation enforced on the unfaithful spouse, who might find life to be a great deal more enjoyable away from the faithful spouse. Once separated the marriage might never be restored and this is especially true when it is the wife who has been unfaithful. Women tend to have affairs when they have been unhappy in their marriage for some time, and when they feel that their husband has neglected them and does not care for them. By the time they have an affair they have pretty much finished with the marriage. If such a couple separates, the wife has very little incentive or desire to return to her husband, ever. Plan B is a much riskier strategy for a man who wants to save his marriage than for a woman.

I gave you advice to use the coaching centre, and you appeared to be willing to follow through on that. Why now are you seeking different advice from that?

My affair and behavior was exposed to everyone of influence.
I completely lost contact with the other women I had an affair with. I am clean.
The conditions I believe were the lack of meeting each other needs we got into a spiral. I have been giving her unconditional love for more than 4 months trying different things. Only about 2 weeks since I noticed her primary emotional need was conversation. I have been trying to establish good conversations since then.
I don't know if Proper no contact letter is necessary since contact has completely been lost for more than 4 months.
I told my wife that she can look at my phone and emails anytime she wants.
My wife found out checking my telephone calls and noticed too many phone calls and told her everything.
Thank you LTL

I'm glad I am hearing that about Plan B. I will disregard that option.
But when do I know enough is enough. I have been hearing from her friends, my family and her family that I should give up. That I have been trying enough already. But I don't want to give up. I seem to be the only one believing I should keep trying. I want to use every resource I can before giving up.

This is a brush-off. That is not what you said when you were asked about this last week on your other thread. When you were asked if you had exposed your affairs, you said

You need Dr Harley's direct help, which you can get free by emailing the radio show. He will read your email and answer it on air (your names will not be revealed), and he might ask you if you want to be a guest on the radio show, as well - which you do not have to be to get your query dealt with.

I suggest that you tell him all the details of the threesome, your affair that followed with that woman, and the affair when you were separated, and that you also tell him about your wife's closeness to her professor (as well as the details of her going back to school to become a dentist, starting a successful business but then resenting you for not earning a traditional wage).

Dr Harley needs to see the full picture of how bad the marriage has been, and how much and what kind of betrayal there has been. If you leave out details, you will not get appropriate advice.

My suspicion is that your persuading your wife to have a threesome for you benefit, as you did, was experienced by her as pimping her out and not caring about her. Following that up with an affair with that woman and then with another one just confirmed to her that you did not care about her at all, and she gave up on the marriage. You have been trying to show love and care recently, but to your wife it feels too late and she is happy for the marriage to break up. If you go threatening her with separation or any kind of punishment for being withdrawn from you, you will just confirm what she already knows - which is that you do not cherish her or care when you hurt her, and she will just be relieved to be rid of you.

You need to get Dr Harley's advice on how to change that impression - and I suspect that it will be that you need to Plan A her for a very long time. The first affair was a year ago but you have not been back together for a year yet and you are already talking about giving up. That doesn't say much for your resolve to fix what you broke.

You won't get proper advice if you do not paint a full picture to Dr Harley.

You are putting it like she was the perfect wife all along and was home taking care of her family while I was out there having fun. You have no idea all I have done for her and for my family. I literally begged her many times to give me, our house, and her child more attention. After our son was born she completely forgot about me. She was going out with her friends many times per week while I was staying home. And when she was here was attached to her phone all day chatting and laughing with her girl friends from school. I was neglected and that is the reason I ended up doing what I did. I don't mean to excuse myself for the affair, I regretted it, but is not the case were the man cheats on his well behaving and attentive wife...
If I am here writing is because I care about my family. I am not a bad person. All my acts were out of frustration of being neglected. I wish I knew about Dr. Harley's concepts when I started my marriage, but unfortunately people tend to look for help when things go bad.
I am trying to get as much resources as I can and not find more guilt. I have gone through enough guilt and pain to the point that I have not being able to sleep and I get anxiety attacks every day. This is not healthy for me anymore and that I why I am very worried.
You don't know all the details and are assuming too much and instead of giving advices other than getting telephone coaching what you are doing is inflicting more pain which. Give me a break!
Do I really have to send you my bank statements and give you a whole financial detail about why I cannot today afford telephone coaching?
I am saving for that and I will start coaching soon, but for now I am trying to get as much help as I can. I already asked my wife to use some of our saving for this coaching and she did not like the idea...
Like I told you a few times before, thank you for taking the time to ready my posts and for answering them.

Well I told her family already after that.

I am very frustrated of not getting anything accomplished!!!

I am going to try that.

I think that's quite an unjustified attack on me.

I won't inflict any more pain on you. I will reiterate my suggestion for you to write for free advice to the radio show and leave you alone.

REading the above should be a knock out factor for your wife. If she knows you feel this way, then she should never consider staying with you. Since she "wasn't perfect" you were entitled to have multiple affairs, I suppose? That attitude should indicate to your wife that you are not a safe person. If she came on this forum, I would tell her you are a dangerous person who blames HER for his despicable, trashy behavior and that she should move on because the comments reflect a person who does not take accountability for his actions.

Let me tell you WHY you had your affairs. You did it because you feel entitled to have affairs. It is much worse than a na�ve spouse who "happens" into an affair because of pisspoor boundaries. Its not your boundaries that is the problem, it is your worldview. You were out trolling for action. A married man. A freaking married man.

It is your philosophy of marriage that is the problem. Until that changes and you stop blaming the victim for your abhorrent, low class behavior, I pray that your wife stays far away from you.

I am very worried for your wife. You are not a healthy person to be around.

Can you ask your wife to come here and speak to us?

The message behind this statement is that your wife has to be "perfect" in order to deserve a faithful husband. She foolishly believed that came with her vows and probably never realized she was marrying a man who behaved like an alley cat in heat.

What if she is less than perfect in the future?

Sugarcane, sorry for the unjustified attack. I am acting out of frustration and anger. I shouldn't have written that. I apologize. I'm lost over here...
Melody, I said I regretted it. Many times. I feel very guilty and i assume my responsibilities. I am hoong through hell. I cannot sleep. I habe a huge pain in my chest. I did not feel i was entitled to. I felt neglected and my needs were not being met. I felt into the trap manu man fall into. Infidelity. I did not know about Dr Harley's concepts. I did not know how to handle my sexuality and i made a mistake is breaking my family.
I am willing to do anything. But i am questioning if this can be saved. I love her, I always have and I want to grow old with her. I want my kid to always experience a family that is united and umbreakable.

People who take "responsibility" for their crimes don't cite the alleged wrongdoing of others. They don't blame their victims. I think I will save my crocodile tears for your victim, your wife. You are not the victim here.

Your wife knows you blame her and she needs to get out of this marriage.

In other words, if your "needs" are not met perfectly in the future, you will cat around like a dog in heat and your wife will have to tolerate your cruel, selfish, abusive behavior.

You are not safe.

No woman wants that. Your wife should run for her life.