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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
HOWEVER, you need to know more about the OW. Is she married? Where does she live? Does she have children? Go find this out TODAY so you can hire this PI to follow them more strategically.

She is a single, party girl with a couple of boyfriends, no children. Not sure of her address.

Have you confirmed this independently? Or is this something your husband has told you?

Does she have a facebook page? How old is she?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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SFL, have you looked at his cell phone records to see how far this goes back and the level of activity? Do you have access to see his credit card activity or his expense reports?

Do you have any family who can watch your children? Perhaps you can fly out there yourself and do some snooping.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Can you go to where he is staying unannounced?

Hire a PI for when he's there?

Have you checked his online phone records, like I asked before?

What snooping have you done?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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SFL, like Glove Oil I no longer post here, but do keep an eye on the threads. Your thread concerns me greatly, and I want to encourage you to listen to the posters here.

You have managed to convince yourself that there is nothing going on with your H and the OW. You'll have to disabuse yourself of that notion. Co-workers DON'T text to tell the OP that they "miss" each other, or that they (HELLO!) "LOVE" each other! It just doesn't happen.

In my sitch - my H was a high-level exec in a company that prided itself on its morals. He would NEVER has compromised that....until they hired a new secretary. He was the epitome of Mr. Upstanding...until he and OW started flirting, eventually destroyed their boundaries and decided it would be okay to sneak off during the day...

Her husband finally exposed the affair, and IT ENDED THAT DAY. He went into the office, packed up her stuff, and they left. He forced her to quit her job. My H was mortified, and we began the healing process. But that could only begin AFTER the affair ended.

You need to end your illusion that he is frightened by sexual harrassment - he's having an affair. My H knew the threat of sexual harrassment. It didn't stop him because he conveniently figured it didn't apply to him. He figured he was above all that. He knows differently now.

You also said that your H has sworn he would never cheat on you. I think we can agree that every spouse in the world would say the same thing, yes? That statement means NOTHING.

It would be helpful for the posters who are helping you to hear more about this OW. You've indicated that she's a woman with multiple boyfriends, no kids, etc. Where did you get this info? From your H? Don't bank on anything he says. You'll need to get confirmation about her on your own. There are a number of ways to do this - check out the Operation Investigate forum.

My main concern is that your WH is gone from Monday through Thursday. Good Lord! He has time to have a woman on the side,set up an second 'married life', impregnate her, have children on the side, and still be home on the weekend to see you. We've seen this many times on this site.

Please listen to the posters and do what they advise!


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Please listen to theses clips.
Traveling Jobs


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by GloveOil
SFL, I was the last guy you'd ever have thought would get into an affair. Afterwards, my friends told me so. My wife's friends told her so. I'd always been the complete boy-scout, good-dad, involved in my church, model employee, all o' that.

The whole time, at each step, I thought I could quit anytime I wanted.

And what I thought, and what others thought, and what I said & professed, were all at odds with the things I was actually doing & allowing.

And the OW wasn't even "my type" either. She was needy as all hell, and in the limited time I'd known her, I'd always found her kind of annoying. But I sure liked those affirmations I started getting from her once I started helping her out with practicing some music, or with some advice on dealing with parenting issues, and then suddenly I was listening to her complain about her marriage; and part of me enjoyed being confided in, being relied upon, being "helpful." There's that slippery slope your husband has ventured out onto. And maybe he even thinks he can put a stop to it anytime. Fact is, if he could've, he would've already. Unless the other lady is his mom, her messages have already crossed a clear line.

You're telling me what you think. Again, I'm telling you what I know.

OK. So, my advice for you is, continue to snoop. See what you find as time goes by. Just don't be too surprised.
Good luck.

Thank you- I appreciate your insight completely. This sucks.


I'm so sorry SFL but thinking you're above temptation, and so allowing it is one of the biggest causes of affairs. That was my husband too. Nobody really plans this.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
HOWEVER, you need to know more about the OW. Is she married? Where does she live? Does she have children? Go find this out TODAY so you can hire this PI to follow them more strategically.

She is a single, party girl with a couple of boyfriends, no children. Not sure of her address.

Have you confirmed this independently? Or is this something your husband has told you?

Does she have a facebook page? How old is she?


I agree, find out for yourself.

Your husband has been cultivating your mindset for some time. He wants you to feel unloved, timid and feel that this OW poses no temptation, but that she has no one to report her bad behaviour too, should you find out, either.

I've never seen a case where the OW was reported to be someone with people in her life. She is always reported to be entirely alone and with either casual boyfriends or an abusive or divorcing spouse.

These reports are pretty much never true.

The truth is, you have a lot of power and she likely has someone whose opinion matters.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Have you confirmed this independently? Or is this something your husband has told you?

Does she have a facebook page? How old is she?

Independently snooped. Facebook page. She is 34, no kids, single.


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Originally Posted by indiegirl
I agree, find out for yourself.

Your husband has been cultivating your mindset for some time. He wants you to feel unloved, timid and feel that this OW poses no temptation, but that she has no one to report her bad behaviour too, should you find out, either.

I've never seen a case where the OW was reported to be someone with people in her life. She is always reported to be entirely alone and with either casual boyfriends or an abusive or divorcing spouse.

These reports are pretty much never true.

The truth is, you have a lot of power and she likely has someone whose opinion matters.

That is interesting. Supposedly her ex-boyfriend beat the [censored] out of her and is in jail. From Facebook page though- she has a boyfriend but it's not publicly announced because it's casual (lots of posts of expensive chimmy choo/ LB shoes and no pics of a particular man).


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Originally Posted by SFL
[

That is interesting. Supposedly her ex-boyfriend beat the [censored] out of her and is in jail. From Facebook page though- she has a boyfriend but it's not publicly announced because it's casual (lots of posts of expensive chimmy choo/ LB shoes and no pics of a particular man).

There usually is a report of an "abusive" husband/boyfriend in most OW's past. It helps the married man feel sorry for her. If you have access to her facebook page, I would start collecting information for exposure. Copy and paste her contact list into a text doc for safekeeping because once you start exposing she will take down her facebook page.

You should also bookmark her boyfriends FB page so you can expose to him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Can you go to where he is staying unannounced?

Hire a PI for when he's there?

Have you checked his online phone records, like I asked before?

What snooping have you done?

Not able to fly out with 2 kids and no one to watch them.... I wouldn't like to stop by unannounced anyway as I'd like to do this discreetly and not give him a chance to say he is divorcing because I've embarrassed him or whatever. So I'd like to continue to snoop and build up as much info as I can. I have checked his phone records but I can no longer do that because his company has taken over the phone bill. She is his top sales person and goes and trips with him and the rest of the team. I have logged into his phone and facebook (from his phone only) and seen texts and email. No inappropriate emails just the texts I've described. I'd really like to hire a PI- anyone done this and could tell me the approximate amount it cost them for 4 days of PI work?

Last edited by SFL; 05/11/14 02:04 PM.

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If you truly have no one to watch the kids........

take the whole crew to meet dad for a quality family time

There must be someone who could watch them for you? Parent of a friend of the eldest......call them at least for a recommendation of a mature sitter to stay with the kids during a 'family emergency'.








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Ok wise MB'rs- big news.

My husband has been unable to fully commit to making our marriage work and for the past two weeks I haven't been intimate with him because I wasn't ready.

Last night we went our for a couple of drinks and we were flirting and having a great time. He wanted to get a room and I said that I wouldn't want that because of the above and because I needed him to be completely honest with me. He went a got a room and pulled me close and said "You are my wife for life (what he used to call me) and let's make this work." We had a great time and a great morning today.

Then, mid-day I questioned about the above co-worker, he said, "pur her aside- there is nothing there. But, I want to be completely honest with you so we can move forward. Last December, I told you about a woman (this woman was a vendor who no longer works with the company) that I had an inappropriate infatuation with. (He told me they had a couple of lunches and he was starting to develop feelings for her but nothing happened.) We did sleep together twice. I ended it. I just wanted to put it all on the table so we can move forward and since I made the commitment to you."

I am in shock and devastated. I left the house and told him to get a hotel so I didn't have to see him. Tomorrow he will be on his way out of state for his regular Monday through Thursday stint.

What do I do?? Where do I start? I know nothing about this woman because she isn't on Facebook. She is not married and has one child.

He is not begging for me back but is apologizing for previously lying to me. Right now I don't know if I want to be with him. and don't want to see him. I had previously (before knowing of his infidelity) written a "Plan B" letter spelling out how I wanted wanted to work on our marriage but wanted to separate completely until he was ready to commit, and that he could pick up the kids at school friday night and bring them back (with my father doing the exchange) Saturday night.

Please advise.

Thank You.

Last edited by SFL; 05/12/14 01:39 AM.

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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok wise MB'rs- big news.

My husband has been unable to fully commit to making our marriage work


He's been having an affair. If he fully committed he'd have to quit.



Originally Posted by SFL
Last night we went our for a couple of drinks and we were flirting and having a great time. .

.


This is great Plan Aing by you.

As for the rest of it, you know he's lying. You know he he is having at least an emotional affair with the woman he dismissed as nothing. She " misses" him because things she finds satisfying happen when they are together.

He's done so many bad things, fallen for someone, broke up his marriage for a fling, that the " trickle truth" he told you about this other woman doesn't even seem bad in comparison. It's common for way wards to trickle a tiny bit of the truth when asked for honesty. It's like a murderer admitting to a speeding ticket.

Even though what he confessed to was horrendous he actually thought it was a good way to get you in the sack. Do you see how hardened a formerly good person becomes once an affair takes root?

The woman he mentions is either a red herring or an old mistress he is no longer interested in protecting. I would focus on exposing both him and the woman he is protecting right now.

You can return to this issue of OW2 later, by insisting on a polygraph.

For now, all your energies should be on exposing him and his co-worker to both yours, his and her families. The workplace is also a key target.

Don't skip any exposure targets! If you leave them even one safe haven, the A will continue.

Stop tipping him off about your suspicions too. That will simply drive them underground. You want exposure to catch him off guard and make him very very unsettled - to the point of anger, not that you care. Think " shock and awe".





What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by SFL
since I made the commitment to you.


That was on your wedding day buddy!

Do you see how he has suspended his vows so he can act on impulse?

His coworker is definitely the one to target. Men don't leave their wives for a few lunches and sexual trysts. Adulterers dint admit long dead affairs.

He's throwing crumbs in the hope it makes him appear honest.

He is very dedicated to gas lighting and confusing you so he can have both you and her.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
The woman he mentions is either a red herring or an old mistress he is no longer interested in protecting.


This sounds so familiar. We were in marriage therapy when I brought up the fact that I could not commit because I did not trust my husband. The next day he took me out to breakfast and confessed a 10 year affair that had started when my third child was born. You could have knocked me down with a feather. It had never occurred to me that anyone would cheat on me.

That confession changed my thinking and from then on I was on high alert. It took me less than a month to discover the current affair. When I confronted him on that, he confessed to a couple of others. Textbook behaviour, trickle truth. I have no idea how many there were altogether and I don't care.

Why do they do this? My theory is that it is what we call in Ireland 'throwing the hat in'. That is where the husband arrives home late and rather drunk. Before he enters the house, he takes off and throws in his hat. The response to the hat tells him whether it is safe to enter or not.

In my case (and perhaps in yours too), the current affair had spun out of control. She was fat, ugly and mentally unstable. He was looking for an exit strategy and, at the same time the 18 years of adultery were looking uncomfortably like the reason for his fractured marriage.


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Originally Posted by indiegirl
He's throwing crumbs in the hope it makes him appear honest.


I don't think I have ever seen an honest confession here on MB. Even those caught red handed trickle the truth. You are seeing a tiny fraction of what you need to know.


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Originally Posted by SFL
What do I do?? Where do I start? I know nothing about this woman because she isn't on Facebook. She is not married and has one child.

SFL, I am sorry you have found this out. I don't believe it is the full truth, though. I think he threw you a crumb to keep you off balance and keep you away from the real truth. This is why it is so important to hire a PI and find out what he is doing.

I would also research this woman he told you about and give her a call today. Tell her your husband told you all about the affair and ask for her side of the story.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am in no way surprised but as others have said, this is a crumb. He has the perfect setup for a man with a second life. You need a PI. Be advised though, there is NO recovery that involves him keeping this work schedule. He must be at home, no travel.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by SFL
What do I do?? Where do I start? I know nothing about this woman because she isn't on Facebook. She is not married and has one child.

SFL, I am sorry you have found this out. I don't believe it is the full truth, though. I think he threw you a crumb to keep you off balance and keep you away from the real truth. This is why it is so important to hire a PI and find out what he is doing.

I would also research this woman he told you about and give her a call today. Tell her your husband told you all about the affair and ask for her side of the story.

x 2

I would send WH a brief email (you want this in WRITING) telling him that you are still reeling from his confession last night of sleeping with another woman and are extremely hurt and devastated. Ask him why did he sleep with this woman? Was it only really two times? When did this happen? How can you make this marriage work like he said? and some other fluffy stuff that may get you a response. Don't lay it on too thick. Or you can do this by text and take/save screen shots.

You want to give him some bait so he puts his confession in writing should you decide to divorce later. Maybe this is not MB-like but I would do this since it will only be your word against his (for now...unless you can find proof)...and he can easily deny it later so take advantage of him possibly feeling guilty.

Sorry but I think between this second OW and the honey/babe texting OW, that there are a lot more OW and more has gone on with these known two.





BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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