Another question:

I'm reading Surviving An Affair and one of the exceptions to exposure involves physical violence.

The other woman's husband has threatened violence against my wife, my children, myself - and against the other woman. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar and I know (from my wife) that he's off his meds. He aimed a loaded gun at his wife just two weeks ago and threatened to kill her if she didn't end her relationship with my wife.

I'm thinking that I need to take out orders of protection against him for my family - but what about the other woman. I don't want her blood on my hands. Should I have the paperwork for an order of protection provided to her on the day that I expose? Should I have a trusted confidante give her a little notice (a couple hours is what I was thinking) so she can pull together some things and get to safety?

Or just wash my hands of it and if she is murdered by her husband, the responsibility was hers?

Another question:

If we get to Plan B - do I move out? I'm certain that she won't leave willingly. And she can't run to the other woman's arms - because she is either going to still be with her husband or living in a women's shelter.

Sure, it's cart-before-the-horse thinking, but I like to think and plan ahead.

you're not going to get to plan b and if you do, you will not be moving out. do not leave the home. period.

it's pretty standard fair for waywards to pull the 'abuse' claim. "oh! my spouse is abusive which is why i have to cheat and why we can never let anyone know about the cheating!!'

any info that comes from your wife is not to be trusted.

sounds like this other husband wants the affair to end too. he can be an ally for you.

i get it that you're struggling with fear. you keep putting off exposure and coming up with questions to see if you can somehow sidestep it. do it ASAP. get it over with.

it will blow this thing out of the water. you've been living this hell for way too long...years and years. put a stop to it NOW.

ps. your marriage might not recover. but YOU can recover and that's super important. you've been cowed for so long by your out of control, entitled cheating wife that you don't even know which way is up.

you might even discover that exposure is empowering for YOU. finally you can air this dirty, filthy love/family-killing secret.

Are there Marriage Builder counselors that can help us get through the withdrawal when we hit that stage? (I'm just now reading about it.)

... why are you talking to her about exposure? Of course she is going to have all sorts of stories to discourage exposure "He made a pass at me, He's Bi-polar, he's violent."

An OOP won't hurt, but you expose. Period. Her stories are excuses to keep the crack pipe (her affair partner) close. Exposure kills affairs.

You really got to get a hold of your fear. Think about how your kids are depending on your to steer this thing out of the ditch. Stop thinking so much and take action. Like today. SERIOUSLY.

All this hemming and hawing is more disease eating into your family. Don't believe the drama that's coming through your WW and whatever she says about her ho. It's all made up.

You might want to start contemplating life without your wife. You have to get to a place where just a small part of you is okay with that possibility. Otherwise you will keep cowering in the corner instead of taking a battle ax to this mess.

I don't udnerstand. Are you saying he doesn't know about the affair? I thought he already knew.

And I would just point out that the OW is not worried about it and she knows him better than you.

Have you PERSONALLY witnessed violent intentions from this man?

That is way, way long ahead. So don't worry abotu that now.

We can help you.

You may never need Plan B.

In the beginning, three years ago, he knew. Then it "went underground" as far as he was concerned. It "resurfaced" (in his understanding) recently - and two weeks ago he threatened to kill the other woman if she didn't end it. (He had threatened to kill my wife, me and our kids in 2012 - and, apparently, he's afraid of me and hates me.)

The only thing I'm waiting on at this point is getting the contact information for the other woman's family - which requires me (or my agent) going to her church. I'm going to try to make that happen this Sunday.

I talked to my HR rep today (who knows a lot of the situation) and it was suggested that I call in sick for two days when I expose - so that I can have the time required to get all the emails out without being interrupted. I'm considering doing it late at night when most of the friend and family will be sleeping - so they all wake up to the whole thing exposed in the morning.

Should I send an exposure letter to the other woman?

I would certainly make sure he knows the affair is back on. He has to know this.


Good deal!


I like your idea and appreciate the fact that you are thinking strategically. It is clear you are thinking this all through. I would much rather have 10 overly proactive guys than one complacent guy!


I wouldn't bother with her for now. She will get the letter soon enough when you expose.

Hosea,

Thank You for your response to my question.

Do you really know that the OWH is crazy or is this what the OW says. The OW may be "rewriting history" to make her H look bad. This is a common offensive tactic waywards use to provide a justification for their affairs.

And if OWH is depressed do you thing this affair and the one his WW had prior to this one might be the cause. You have to imagine the OWH is suffering everything you are suffering along with a 2nd affair.

Was the OWs prior female affair partner also married, if so you might do that husband a favor and let him know of this crime against his marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

He made these threats to your face?

As I mentioned, my wife and the other woman teach at a small, private school together. When I expose, I was thinking of telling the two administrators that the other woman's husband has made threats of violence against his wife and my wife and children - and that I am pursuing legal protections for my children and that they need to be aware that orders of protection may be filed to prevent the other woman's husband from coming near my wife and children.

My purpose in doing that is to raise the threat level from "this is a little marriage spat that we can ignore" to "you mean we have to be concerned about violence in our school?!"

My intention is for the administrators to inform my wife and the other woman that their services are no longer required. Unfortunately, the consequences probably mean that our children will no longer be welcome at that school - so I'm going to be the "bad guy" in the eyes of my kids.

Thoughts?

Did HE tell you that in person?

When he threatened my wife and kids, he said to me, "I could solve this whole thing with my 44." I said, "Is that a threat?" He said, "It's more of a promise." I said again, "Are you threatening me?" He said, "You, your wife, your kids." Then I got into his face and said, "You better come at me from behind, like a coward - or you'll have to get past me to hurt my family." He backed away and some of the wind came out of his sails and he said, "Hey, I'm just upset. I don't know what I'm saying." That was in 2012. Then he didn't speak to me since.

My wife didn't want me to know that he threated the other woman. She has hidden the fact from me - and it filtered down to me from another source. She still refuses to tell me anything about it. I overheard her and her friends trying to find shelters for the other woman and there is no way they knew I was able to hear them.

I'm confident that these are not made-up and that there is real danger from the other woman's husband.

However, the danger is in the continuing relationship - if the two women would stay away from each other, there would be no trigger to his lunacy.

I had a breakthrough in my research. I found the other woman's mom, sisters, and adult nieces/nephews - as well as the brother of the other woman's husband. I also found one of the "elders" at her church. Her father, however, is a technophobe and I'm not finding anything on him. However, I might have his name - and I'm thinking of investing in one of those "reverse lookup" companies that gives you the details of someone for $20 a month subscription.

Hosea,

It's nice to see someone who trusts the value of the MB plans and is willing to work them to their fullest - they are the ones with the best possibility of recovering their marriages.