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I discovered my husband's 4 year, long distance affair just a few days ago. He ended it quickly with her. We deleted his secret email account with her however, a few days later he rcvd an email in his main account from her work email.
The email states she's in the hospital following an altercation. Its written from her account as though by a coworker with very little detail and no signature/name of the supposed writer. It also includes details regarding her recent "difficulty to communicate" with my husband and suggests "I'm letting you know because I know she wouldn't want you to worry."
My husband and I believe it's a ploy for attention (though he's surprised bc he doesn't think she'd do such a thing.). And we've also discuss led that if it is real, it has nothing to do with him anyways.
I understand that she's upset that he chose his wife over her and hope this is the farthest she will go to contact him but it makes me nervous.
Thoughts?
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Did your husband write a No Contact letter? Ignore the email. Change all email addresses and phone numbers and delete any social networking profiles. Make it impossible for her to locate you.
Was the affair exposed?
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Here is what has to happen before you can even begin to fix the marriage:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
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I discovered love letters in our basement ;( 4 years of written contact including 4 secret meetings in which she flew here.
She doesn't know our home address but does no his work address which is where she sent the secret letters.
He called her on the phone (I listened to his end) and told her it was over and there would be no contact.
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The list above says you should tell family/ friends? Why?
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Is she married? Does she have a facebook page?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She is not married. She has Facebook. In fact, 4 years ago, I discovered their very early relationship of sexy conversation on Facebook. He deleted her but simply went underground with the relationship ;(
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The list above says you should tell family/ friends? Why? The reason is because the more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable and to give your marriage support. It is the most important first step in recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She is not married. She has Facebook. In fact, 4 years ago, I discovered their very early relationship of sexy conversation on Facebook. He deleted her but simply went underground with the relationship ;( Does she have a boyfriend? Are you certain she is not married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks, MelodyLane.
My sister knows because she is my confidant. And honestly I don't want my parents to know. I want to fix this mess and I don't want things to be horribly awkward when we are all together. They love him deeply.
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She is not married. She has Facebook. In fact, 4 years ago, I discovered their very early relationship of sexy conversation on Facebook. He deleted her but simply went underground with the relationship ;( He will need to shutdown his Facebook account and block it.
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Thanks, MelodyLane.
My sister knows because she is my confidant. And honestly I don't want my parents to know. I want to fix this mess and I don't want things to be horribly awkward when we are all together. They love him deeply. They need to know. It will give him the accountability he needs to prevent this from ever happening again. He needs accountability and you need support.
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I am certain she is not married however, we don't know if she has other lovers. She lives on the other side of the country and is very driven to havr men in her life. I doubt she went 4 years with only my husband as her partner given their distance. But I don't know if she has a boyfriend.
Do you think the hospital thing is an act? Should we care?
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Thanks, MelodyLane.
My sister knows because she is my confidant. And honestly I don't want my parents to know. I want to fix this mess and I don't want things to be horribly awkward when we are all together. They love him deeply. It would be a huge mistake to not tell your family. You need their support. Your parents should be at the top of your list since this really does affect them directly. Your husband can lessen the awkwardness by going to them with his proposal for recovery. And most of all, you need your parents support. Affairs should never be hidden. Doing so harms everyone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will consider it, Melody, but I'm not sure I AM ready for everyone to know. I'm In a lot of pain and just want normalcy returned. I do see your point though. My sister has a lot she wants to say to him
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What about our 10 year old child; does he need to know?
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I am certain she is not married however, we don't know if she has other lovers. She lives on the other side of the country and is very driven to havr men in her life. I doubt she went 4 years with only my husband as her partner given their distance. But I don't know if she has a boyfriend.
Do you think the hospital thing is an act? Should we care? It is a clever ruse to get your husband to call her. And he will talk to her eventually if you don't cut off that email account. She will keep trying. You should care very much if you are serious about protecting your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, you shouldn't. Ignore it and block all forms of communication.
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What about our 10 year old child; does he need to know? Yes, he deserves to know.
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I will consider it, Melody, but I'm not sure I AM ready for everyone to know. I'm In a lot of pain and just want normalcy returned. I do see your point though. My sister has a lot she wants to say to him Your pain will lessen with the support of your family. And absolutely your 10 year old should know. Don't hide this affair. There is no legitimate cause to hide his affair. That does not help anyone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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