He also needs a new phone #. Blocking her isn't enough. Even an OW at the very low end of the IQ spectrum can figure out to call from another phone, if she knows which # to call.

You both need to be totally serious about this, or it will lead to immense future suffering.

I know.

You also need to block Facebook. Have you done that?

Please don't just block her number, he needs to change ALL his contact information.

Please read this. Exposing to Children

My niece and nephew were four and five. They lost their best friends (OWs children ) because of my H's affair with my best friend.

Their reaction was more reasonable, more sane and even more caring than some grown ups. They simply said their uncle should say sorry and do better. They showed caring for him too. They also didn't see any reason why everyone shouldn't know and I caught my nephew exposing to the neighbours!

Since then, I've noticed my nephew particularly is a real little gentleman to women. Very considerate and he hates mention of cheating on the TV. It's only grown ups, usually the BS herself, who gets freaked out by the idea of telling the truth and gathering support. He's a smart kid and even thanked me for not lying 'like most grown ups'.

Compare this to my H whose fathers affairs were NEVER exposed. Secrecy and lies were normalised in his home. He had never experienced radical honesty in his home.

Going by the phrase 'difficulty communicating' I'd guess he has been talking to her at work, trying to let her down easy by saying you won't let them communicate. Soon she will wear him down. Exposure will be a wonderful, freeing intervention preventing him from being sucked back in.

If he really has his road to Damascus moment, everyone will see it and forgive him as he works hard to earn it.

A false recovery has already happened because exposure wasn't done and NC not ensured. Don't leave any weed roots in the ground this time. Burn the affair out.

Read the exposure thread on MLs signature and do a nuclear style exposure all in one day.

As you know, the second DDay hurts worse than the first. Something you would have thought impossible on DDay 1. Don't find out what a third one feels like. Don't find out that it is an illogical and obsessive addiction, that however much he wants you, he'll have this too if he can.

He can't just choose you this time and regain your trust because he already did that. This time he has to show you emails and appear more trustworthy. I'm sorry but you have to independently verify everything.

Treat it as an addiction and expose it on both sides. She has people who need to hold her to account too.

It won't hurt anywhere near as much as his parents' divorce.

At the very early time following discovery, it is nearly impossible to have any kind of perspective on things. Your husband and the OW have had years to think about what they would do when you found out. You have had only days. Dr. Harley has dealt with many thousands of cases like yours. Telling your son is the right thing to do.

You will save yourself an enormous amount of pain by listening to people here. These folks represent an wealth of experience in applying Dr. Harley's proven methods for recovery after an affair, as well as an objective perspective on your particular situation. Your WH and his OW are unprepared for you utilizing this resource. Use it to your full advantage. It will give you the edge you need to fight for your marriage

April you have been given a lot of very wise and clear instructions that I hope you take.

There a lot of people that have felt the same way that you are feeling right now. That they can deal with this internally between them and their spouse but a lot of them find out how wrong they are.

People that are in the fog need blunt instruments because they truly don't believe that they are doing anything wrong. If you didn't catch him again he would still be doing it and right now he is working on doing the minimum to keep you, in hopes that when you calm down he can continue his A.

If it is possible to keep both you and the OW without you finding out he will do it in a heart beat. He needs to be exposed so he can understand what he is doing and get the help to stop and your son has the right to know because it does affect is life and it will affect his future life.

The only person that it helps by you not sharing is him and the OW. Most wayward spouses that truly want to save their marriage welcome the exposer. But in most cases the WW spouses is too in love with OW to stop and exposer will only make it hard for them to continue so they fight exposer with very persuasive and believable statements. Some go as far as to threaten you if you expose them, that is why Dr. H recommends not telling them before you do it.

This how Paul describes Godly sorrow.

2 Corinthians 7:11(NIV)
11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern[b/], what [b]readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

From your posts it doesn't sound like that is his demeanor, the fact that you even talk about the hospital issue shows how far from over he is. If he understood how much damage he has done to you and his family and he cared he would cringe at the mention of her name.

You must expose him if you want to save your marriage, (that is of course if you want to save your marriage). Your family, he's family, and friends will help and you need the support, because by the time you are finished he will have you convinced it was your fault.

Exposure is not punishment. Exposure is not done for revenge. Exposure is actually a caring intervention done on someone who is lost in an addiction. A BS who can see past their own pain will realize that exposure is a necessary part of holding to the promise to provide extraordinary care in marriage. You have discovered that your spouse is being destroyed by an addiction. Do you think you should do nothing about it?

Is there any chance you can give us an update?

It's most worrying about your son in particular as he's quite old for exposure, and has lived for four years in the environment of an affair in which he may even have made his own discoveries.

He is also learning a lot of bad lessons about secrecy between parents and children without the truth being told.

Lots of children his age are able to figure out the truth on their own. I hope she doesn't mind me using her story, but Sugar Cane, who has already given you excellent advice, discovered her H's A YEARS after the OW's H and her children did. He did not tell SC, his own poor children or anybody else but thought he and his wife were recovering 'privately'.

He admitted he already knew when SC contacted him upon her own DDay. At that point he 'exposed' to his teenage children - but they already knew. They knew because it had been going on so long. In spite of the affair taking place in other countries on business trips, they worked it out. Heartbreakingly they hadn't said anything to their father because they were worried about him.

It's hard to hide an affair. Waywards are so hyper focused on preventing the BS finding out, they are often sloppy and forget the children are pretty smart and can figure it out too.

If YOU (the person it was being hidden from) were able to find the A, your son will soon find out too, on his own. Better he is guided than left to puzzle it out alone.

To add to what Indie says, my XH grew up in a family where his father had affairs. He presumed adultery was ok and his parents stayed married so getting a girlfriend was his default 'solution' when the stresses of three small children caused our marriage to hit some serious rocks.

Because it was a family secret, I was not alerted to the fact that this was a risk that I needed to be aware of which was a pity as adultery is highly correlated with same sex parent behaviour in childhood. So in addition to telling your son, you should also be ready to tell his spouse when the time comes.

Thank you all; I've updated in a new thread.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice.

We have made it through the first week post what you all are calling D-day?

We spent a lot of time together. Crying, discussing, bonding, and enjoying one another. My paranoia is still very high but I am feeling hopeful.

He expresses remorse and seems to be very open. He answers my questions even when he doesn't want to give the answers. He's been respectful. He has expressed relief that its out and he no longer has to lie and wonder. He has said that he's wanted out in the past but just couldn't see a way to do it.

He has expressed that this was a fantasy for him. An escape from daily life. A place for hope and dreams. He says he is surprised at how easy it is to let her go. That the decision to end it was harder than the actual letting go. Without the communication with her, he says he can feel it "bleeding out" of him. There affair was mostly written communication. He saw her 4 x in 4 years.

According to Dr Harley's website, there are times when a lover is not an addiction bc they are not in love with them. I am hoping this is the camp we are in. He hasn't once indicated that he's pining for her. Of course, I'm giving him little time to do so . Thus far, rather than depressed, he seems hopeful. It's like a weight has left him and the idea that I am willing to work on this brings light to his eyes. Of course, I am feeling very protective of myself and therefore have that little voice that warns not to take it at face value.

We have deleted, blocked, and cancelled a variety of accounts. I have access to a list of all in and outgoing calls on his cell phone as well as texts. I'm keeping tabs on his phone/iPad. I feel "bad" that it's sorta like "snooping" but I don't feel I have a choice. As much as I want to believe every word...

The last loose string is that of his work address. This is where she sends mail. The plan is for him to bring home any communications, unopened.

As far as telling family, I have not concluded what to do. I appreciate your advice and will take all of it to heart. The biggest challenge right now is not being able to discuss things within earshot of our child. We have to cover our tracks, which I don't like.

I do not think my son suspects the affair at all. My husband covered his tracks incredibly well to the point where he was truly living two, desperate lives. However, I do think my son feels a change in the air. My husband and I were having a long, quiet hug and our son asked if anything was wrong.

That said--I've heard your thoughts on this issue and ask that it be pressed no further. It's something I need to decide to do on my own time.

I appreciate all of your advice and expertise.

I'm sorry so many of you have had to go through this.

Did you listen to the clips in here from Dr. Harley?

April, I've seen this post before.

A year, two years or ten years later, the BS who posts this runs into a huge problem that could have been prevented by exposure. By ripping off the band aid and doing the sorrys and explanations at the start. Instead of having to start all over AGAIN later.

The sooner people find out (and the truth always outs) the sooner your H can mend fences and show how sorry he is. If this woman ends up dead, and her suicide note in the press two years from now, naming your H (I'm a reporter and this happens!) How will you keep it secret then?

As for claiming you know what your son knows a) you don't, can't possibly know and b) it doesn't matter. He deserves to be told the truth. Its actually more his business than yours because you can get another H, he can't get another father.

Don't recover by sneaking around. Set your entire household an example of honesty.

This exactly.

I know you want to believe your H and that you love him but you are making very serious mistakes that are only going to cause you harm in the future.

Your solution at work is to trust your H to bring you mail unopened? Really, its all on trust? I'm sorry but you are headed for a big heartbreak and as much as I want to warn you and prevent it but you seem to be adamant that you are correct and Dr. Harley who has seen tens of thousands of cases over 40 years is wrong.

Please wake up for your own sake!

I need you to explain what I can do about the mail at work? I cannot stand there and physically stop it from being delivered and he cannot quit his job. That is not an option.

We've considered asking the man that sorts the mail to return to sender any personal mail. What else can I do??

I have send this link to my husband and will discuss it with him. It is relieving to hear that it hasn't destroyed other children.

You are making several strategic mistakes here. I echo the previous posts and add the following:

Your H has been in an affair for 4 years and you are HOPING that he does not love/is not addicted to OW. For an affair to last 4 years, your H did indeed love OW. The kinds of affairs with no love are typically ONS in bars or with prostitutes.

Your H is not at all depressed because he is not worried about withdrawal because he knows he and OW can contact each other via the workplace.

AM

I hear what you are saying and would like more thoughts. How does one truly "love" someone they rarely see? I agree and have asked myself--how was it so difficult to end if he didn't "love" her? At the same time, how do you love someone you rarely have physical interaction with?

I would advise against this. Many WS will spin the story to come out unscathed. I suggest you sit down with your children, you as you only, tell them their father had a girlfriend for four years and it really hurt you very much. I told my son this: Husbands that have girlfriends are doing bad things and wives who have boyfriends are doing bad things and that behavior is unacceptable and immoral. As for the semantics of him loving her or not it really doesn't matter. Follow the MB plan of accountability. Was this a work place affair?

If the mail issue is you trusting him blindly forget about it. He should find a new job ASAP that would solve that problem.