How did she get your new number? One doesn't stumble upon mobile phone numbers by accident.

Has she ever used your IM? You say next to nothing about your IM playing any role in this.

How is your asking friends for info compliant with Plan B?

In addition to SugarCane's questions read this.

Important/Special Events while in Plan B

I will look at link thanks. No response from Harley's but my question was hypothetical, WW not financially vulnerable. I have a legal charge on house to protect my interest but also means she cannot refinance without my permission. WW was ranting if I want a share of house I should be sharing bills, while claiming I never contributed anyway!?! This is a job for solicitors anyway if needed.
IM been non existent as she has found ways through to me and I have let her. Plug one hole another appears. MIL had number in case of emergencies. I blocked WW number on I phone after message about finances.
However still received a voice mail asking me to call as she had some news to tell me. I know 2 uncles have been ill for a while and by her voice I had already guessed the news. But I called her anyway
It was grave news and the conversation focused on this and how family were coping. Funeral arrangements to be confirmed but I can pay my respects without being there.
I can see the mistakes but I still keep making them.
I'm still not getting it that plan b isn't about me hiding from her while still asking about her

This would be funny if the constant contact and excuses about contact were not in fact pathetic.

This makes no sense. Why did you ask Dr Harley a hypothetical question when you are in a real, non-hypothetical crisis? Are you seriously seeking help here? And if you did not get a response then for goodness sake write again. The Harleys seem to answer every question that gets through to them from this board.

What was the hypothetical question?

About the house: I haven't read every detail on this thread, but it seems that you are refusing to let her refinance just so that you can tick her off. Surely if she were able to refinance she would be able to pay the mortgage. Are you just trying to make her homeless by refusing to let her do that?

I might have misunderstood, so please tell me what your goal is in not letting her refinance.

The question was 'do I step away from all house obligations while in plan b' (referring to financial issues). For me this is hypothetical as when I left the marital home I ensured all household bills I was paying were transferred to ww who is financially sound. My worry was she would forget to renew house insurance. Which was probably me looking for an excuse for contact (fair points that you posted).
She does not need to refinance. She thought by having control of mortgage she would have control of home. We had the chance to refinance jointly but she refused. This was at the same time as wanting separation to continue her A in some sense of guiltlessness.
Charge protects both our interests without running up unnecessary debt.

You have a habit of writing such abbreviated sentences - almost in code - that I still have no idea what you are trying to tell me. I am still no nearer understanding what financial woe she writes to you about and what you are resisting doing.

All I can say is that if the goal of Plan A is to meet those needs she will let you meet and commit no love busters, then doing whatever needs to be done with the household insurance seems wise.

If you do not reconcile, at some point the house will be sold and you will get a fair share of the assets. You should pay the bills that you are responsible for, or if she has another man living there, you should get a court to remove you from that responsibility.

"The question was 'do I step away from all house obligations while in plan b' (referring to financial issues). For me this is hypothetical as when I left the marital home I ensured all household bills I was paying were transferred to ww who is financially sound."

The "hypothetical" part makes no sense to me at all, but I think this is an important REAL question and you should write again to get an answer from Dr H.

Basically I have stopped her from selling our house without my knowledge or consent.
There are no bills I am responsible for.
My concern was if she was unable to or forgot to pay the bills.
How would this affect me in plan b
I will send an email

Does she want to sell the house? Is that what she is asking for?

If not, what is she asking for? What was in the text that she sent recently?

Please try not to be so frustrating. You post here asking for help but then getting information from you is worse than pulling teeth. Are you here to get help, or just to blog?

If the uncle passed away, and you are in Plan B (which you really aren't...you're in your own Plan C at this point) then a polite action would be to send flowers and a condolence.

According to the Book of Etiquette, you would attend the funeral.

However, in Plan B you avoid contact.

Aside from the funeral, the bigger issue is that you keep having contact with her.
What do you want at this point?
Do you want to remain married to her if she agrees to end all of her affairs or just call it quits?

I frustrate myself!
What does she want to do with house? I don't know, I don't think she knows herself.
What was in text? To ask that I release charge so she has freedom with the property and deny me any and all claim.
What do I want? I would like to reconcile but keep doubting the reality of this. I keep doubting what I want, I suppose because I keep having contact.

Thank you for advice on funeral

Why are you making disrespectful judgements about her?

She stated very clearly what she wanted. She wanted you to release the charge on the house, so why are you saying you "don't think she knows herself"?

Now, I don't understand what a "charge on the house" actually means. I think I read that you are in the UK - is that true? I am too, but I have not heard about that particular aspect of home ownership. However, if I understand you correctly, you have moved out of the home and stopped paying any bills or maintaining your wife in any way, but you won't let her sell the home and give you your share, or refinance it, or whatever it is she wants to do. I still do not understand why you are acting this way. How is this designed to bring her back to the marriage, and if it isn't designed to do that, what is it designed to do?

If you are in the UK, do you realise that she can divorce you after two years for desertion, and she can divorce you in much less than two years for "unreasonable behaviour" - which can include not paying the household bills? And if she sues you for either of those reasons, a judge might well award her a bigger share of the assets because of your failure to pay your bills?

I am at a loss to understand what you have been trying to achieve since you came here. If I read this case correctly, you are in a relatively young marriage (how long?) and have no children. There is precious little pull on your wife to go back to the marriage she abandoned by having an affair. Dr Harley does not advise men to go to Plan B quickly, because, for a man, Plan B is more likely to lead to the end of the marriage, especially when there are no kids. You went to Plan B shortly after coming here, despite your radio programme with Dr Harley in which he advised you to stay in Plan A for as long as possible.

Having said that, you haven't been in Plan B EVER, and have only treated it lightheartedly. ("Oops: I slipped again. I messaged her on FB/called at the house/ took her to lunch/ went round to repair the washing machine/asked about her aged uncles....endlessly contacted her despite supposedly being in Plan B.")

You are not doing anything to save your marriage here. In fact I would say that what you are doing is more likely to end it, fast. And that might be no bad thing; at your age, and without any kids, why not cut your losses from this woman who does not seem to want you back, and start again, next time with MB wisdom under your belt?

But that is not my call to make. At this stage, you are saying you want to reconcile with your wife, and yet you are in a plan which is a mixture of "I'm not talking to you - oh wait, I don't really mean that" combined with "I'm going to really piss you off by controlling what you can do with the house I no longer live in or maintain".

Why, for heaven's sake?

Keep in mind, she may be having several affairs at once.
I personally would just call it quits and divorce; However that is a decision for you to make.

You chose to enter Plan B but have NOT done so!
Get with the program Sir!

Why were the house and mortgage registered to her name only? Married people don't do this.

Why did she pay the mortgage herself? Why weren't you paying a share?

The charge is registering marital rights on the home with the land registry. Shortly before leaving I took legal advice on the probable outcome if we were to pursue divorce. Apart from explaining the ways she can divorce me I was advised to assert these rights to protect my interest. Divorce would release these rights with a settlement.
Many of my WW decisions, including separation and offering me money to leave I believe are influenced by her affair. Also is her belief that I never contributed to the home because the mortgage came from her bank account. In leaving I gave her what she wanted and the knowledge I would not contribute to her affair.
I chose to enter plan b to save my sanity and the respect we once shared for each other. However my poor attempt is confusing me more.
If she wants divorce so badly then why has she not already done so?
She wants to retain my friendship but does not realise the damage she has done with the affair she doesn't even see as an affair.
And now my emotions are all mixed up with the sad news delivered and the decision to try and do the right thing and not make it about us.
Is doing nothing the best course of action.
It seems all I'm trying to achieve is getting her to admit she has done wrong

How do you think this will benefit your marital recovery?

Mortgage was firstly in her name as my credit was poor. We did remortgage together before buying current property. New purchase was subsidised by her mother and I was convinced not to be on mortgage this time to make things simpler. So we used my credit for holidays and general good lifestyle. The opportunity to remortgage together and pay back MIL presented itself as affair started ( before I found out about affair) but ww was unwilling to consider it.
Our expenditures have always been shared but because the mortgage was in her name and coming out of her account( not the joint account) she has been able to feel more comfortable in her financial security.
I said before my credit was once poor, this was due to my own financial ineptitude and I don't think she has ever trusted me with money

Why wasn't this done when you first bought the home?

The normal arrangement is for married couples to register the house in both names. Lawyers make sure this is done. What would have happened if she had died and you had no legal right to this home? This is unbelievable!

Please explain why this happened.