Good job on going to AlAnon. Can you find an all male group?

Did you warn your friend about how predatory OM are?

Wow, you are right to be concerned on behalf of your friend. OM has demonstrated predatory behaviours and motives...

Can you get friend and her hubby a copy of Surviving an Affair?

I talked to the AlAnon leader, and she said the groups are predominantly female, but there were 3-4 men who did come regularly - just not last night.

I do plan on painting the OM predatory picture - with friends husband in the room, so he knows and can discuss with his wife.

I'm not sure they would read the book if I gave it to them. I was hoping my story and what my friend heard from my wife would help them understand what happened and what could happen in an amazingly short amount of time.

Huge, huge red flags about this "friend." She does not sound like a "friend" but an enemy to your marriage, an enabler. I don't see how it is an act of "friendship" for her to consort with an OM and facilitate an affair. When/if your wife ever sobers up, she will not remember this "friend" fondly. And you should view her as your enemy.

The fact that she is "friends" with the dirtbag OM tells me she is a lowlife too.

Is your wife still in rehab? Is she asking you to pick her up again?

Thanks for your raw truth, MelodyLane.

I think friend is naive... I have talked to her about 2 things, and she seems compliant that what she has done is not a good thing for my wife. She doesn't know as much as I though she did, based on things I've asked her. I am talking to her and her husband tomorrow morning and telling them my experience. I have known her for 13 years, and know she has been my defender more than she has tried to enable my wife.... but she has enabled my wife, and it needs to stop with OM. I have friend in a microscope, and will not have a problem making sure she is not a part of our lives if I believe she can have anything to do with continuing the A.

Can you detail some of the red flags... I don't want to be blindsided by my own wrong perceptions.

My wife is still in rehab... I visited her tonight, and she was pretty out of it on the detox drugs. But, unlike the other times, she is saying the right things and seems to be committed to sticking it out and getting better. And, if she isn't, I am resolute in not letting her back into the home if she doesn't follow through on the boundaries I have set. It hurts and is hard, but I know it is the right thing to do.

KS, there should no boundaries less than completion of the rehab program, a plan for recovery, and an agreement to NEVER drink again. She should not be picked up until she is completely finished with the rehab program and dried out for several weeks. She is a very sick woman.

The red flags I see with the friend are her enabling behaviors. I am shocked she would have even have a friend such as the OM or your wife. That speaks to her character and judgment. She needs to be judged by her actions and they bespeak an enabler, not a friend. That is poison to your marriage.

Alcoholics can ALWAYS say the right thing. We are practiced liars in getting our way. Even a wetbrain knows how to manipulate people.

You will see how serious she really is if she tries to break out early. If she starts asking you to come get her you will know this is another scam.

Ok, weird confession. I was really angry that OM was contacting friend, so I sent a text to OM telling him to stop. He is now texing me back, and I am at a loss at what to do next. Tell him to stop contacting friend, and realize wife is gone forever? Meet him and punch him in the face and threaten lawsuits? I am surprised he responded to me.

The problem is that friend accepts his contact and is facilitating the affair. You can't force him to stay away from the "friend" unfortunately.

Again, thanks for the truths, MelodyLane... I have an alcoholic mother, and recovering alcoholic father, but they can't share these truths with me.

My wife seems to be committed to getting better... but, given the multiple rehabs, I am very skeptical, and planning a relapse. She has not asked me to take her home... and if she does, I am prepared to tell her she needs to find someone else to pick her up, and find another place to stay. It is huge that I am at this point, but I know I can't keep being a drunk babysitter. I am also trying to help friend not be an enabler too... both with the A and with the drinking or picking wife up from rehab.

KS, this is the perfect approach. I will just state again, that talk is meaningless with an alcoholic. Commitment is demonstrated by action, not talk. Only time will tell if she is really serious.


"Friends" don't help friends destroy themselves. Please tell this "friend" that when your wife sobers up and gets all the alcohol out of her system she will not remember her fondly. She will remember that this so called "friend" helped her destroy herself and her marriage. With "friends" like that, who needs enemies? Your wife will dump this loser friend if she ever gets sober, mark my words.

True, I can't force friend to give up contact with OM. When I visited wife tonight, she had a sticky note that had a note to "Contact OM about contacting friend". I confronted her, but she was a little druggy... she said she was going to write him a snail-mail letter to tell him to lay off friend, as they weren't supposed to have any sort of contact. I reminded her, that NC email was one of the important things to our recovery, and she apologized. Made me realize that I need to install more protections and make sure she can't contact OM. But, that is part of the reason I contacted OM, to tell him that although he hadn't contacted my wife directly, he was still indirectly contacting her, and that was not ok. I also was going to talk to friend and husband, and make sure husband was aware of what was going on.

Should I be doing something else at this point, while wife is in rehab?

Sir, I have been to AlAnon meetings and one of the groups was all elderly women! They were a very kind group of ladies.

Let's not forget the old proverb, Birds of a feather flock together.

Friend initially tries to encourage wife away from either drinking or contacting OM. But, after continual pressure or manipulation from my wife, she has on a few occasions given up. I do believe friend is in a similar place to where I was a few weeks/months ago, in thinking she is trying to do the "right" thing, without "controlling" my wife. I am trying to help friend realize there are some times it is ok to not give in to my wife's demands, and restrict her from alcohol or information about OM.

One point worth repeating... my wife lied to friend even more than she lied to me. Friend knew less than I did about A.

Again, I am observing "friend" to see if this is truly naivete, or a wanton enabling of an affair/addiction.

Yes... one woman was elderly... and she came up to me and talked to me after the meeting. Very nice, and not threatening at all.

I am a little on my guard after what happened to my wife... I don't want to get in a vulnerable position and repeat what she did to me.

Dr. Harley generally encourages betrayed spouses to confront the affair partner.
Obviously, this needs to be done in a safe and legal manner.
Something along the lines of: "I love my wife and stay away from her" is pretty clear.

Unfortunately, you can't do the horse head scene from the Godfather because he would just call the police and have you arrested.

One thing you CAN do is post him on www.playerblock.com and post evidence of what a scumbag he is on there also. Playerblock will even send him a text letting him know he is registered as a scumbag!

I would make it a condition that your wife lose this toxic friend. She is bad news for your wife and for you. It is unbelievable that she would consort with the OM and even more astonishing that she would befriend a chronic alcoholic like your wife. Your wife can't afford "friends" like this.