Ksummit,

What concerns me is the prospect of your wife getting out of rehab and running off with OM and your kids.
Is this a possibility?

I think friend is doing what she is doing because she thinks she is helping keep track of OM "safety" for my wife. When I talked to her yesterday, she told me how wife wants to make sure OM doesn't end up killing himself for her. I reminded friend that is not up to my wife, and she has no control over that, and it is likely a manipulation to continue A with wife. She seemed to reluctantly agree.

Again, I want to gauge friend and friend's husband's reaction when I share all the details of what happened... they know about 30%.

Does she believe the OM is your wife's dentist? Does she not know about the affair?

Again, I truly believe friend is living in denial about what my wife did... and actually had/has very little insight into my wife's alcoholism. I have been open and truthful with her/her husband for about a month now. I don't think she is a bad person, just not a solid person who can help my wife see where she has fallen off the track.

Yes, this is a possibility. Wife has shared that OM always shuts down emotions and connection when she talks about our kids. Frightening to think that they could end up with him as their "guardian".

Wife is struggling with staying disconnected, but has since late June. I am checking almost daily to make sure it remains. I even told her I wasn't going to visit her at rehab tonight, and then arrived late to make sure no one else was there to see her. It feels a little dirty, but I know it is necessary right now.

These types of people, that refuse to acknowledge reality, are very dangerous to be around.
She is the kind that would give your wife the car keys after a night of drinking if your wife told her she is "fine"

There is a difference between being a friend and an enabler of self destruction. She is no more a friend than your neighborhood bartender is a friend to your wife

So she doesn't know your wife is an alcoholic even though she has been in rehab 8'times and is drunk every day and has been passing on messages from your wife's creepy scumbag boyfriend. And this is just a person with "little insight?"

NO SIr.

You are in denial here when you can see that the actions of this woman are toxic and destructive to your wife, you and your children. You are to judge her by her intent when you should be judging her by her actions.

This is a dangerous person who should be eliminated from your lives.

Friend is very naive - she accepts what my wife says 99% of the time as 100% fact. I will share my story and experience, as she and husband are also very responsive to my thoughts... I will only tell them my truth/reality, and what I think needs to happen for wife/my reconciliation. I will gauge how they react, and watch what their actions are.

After telling friend all of these things, if I see her enabling re-contact with OM, that will be a violation of my wife and I reconciling, and I will do whatever is necessary to make sure she does not enable wife with A again.

She is the kind of "friend" who would give a loaded gun to a suicidal person.

Jedi - you might be right. I feel bad when I bar my wife from driving after she has been drinking... but know it is the right thing, and hold onto that despite the verbal abuse.

What is her completion/ release date from rehab?

I hear you, MelodyLane - friend has passed on 1 message to wife, after about 10 phone calls from OM. That was not acceptable. I told her as much. Friend knows about rehab, but is lost in her own troubles.

I appreciate your reality-checks... but, I am also at that same place... looking for a reason to think friend is not a good influence, and an enabler. I have learned so much this year, and have moved past so much to realize the truth... and realize that I still have so much to learn. I am trying to believe that friend needs that grace to get to the same place I am.

Completion is minimum 2 weeks from admit, followed by 2 weeks of outpatient/AA. Thus, rehab checkout before Aug 21 is grounds for "you can't come home". And, even if checkout at Aug 21, if no followup with outpatient/AA, then also grounds for "you can't come home".

I re-read this, and realize how real it is what you are saying. It doesn't matter what friend is "trying" to do, rather what her reality is and what she is capable of letting my wife do because of enabling.

I encourage you to email Dr. Harley @ (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com) and ask him if you should seek some type of legal custody if she refuses to complete rehab or end her affair; you can phrase the letter something like this (make sure he gats all the essential facts and if you include your phone number he may call you) You can phrase it anyway you like, I just noted some facts below:

Dear Dr. Harley,

I have been on your forum for the past couple weeks.
I have been married 17 years and have 4 children.
My wife is having an affair with a man she met in a rehab center.

She is an alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab for the past several months; in the past she has refused to complete the program and I sign her out and take her home.

I was advised by members of your Forum to attend AlAnon and I attended my first meeting a couple days ago.

She recently entered rehab again and is scheduled to be released on August 21.

Meanwhile, her affair partner continues efforts to keep the affair active by sending text messages to my wife's friend.

How do you recommend I treat my wife when she is released from rehab?

If she refuses to complete rehab should I seek legal counsel for custody of my children?

Should I request she end her affair (write a No Contact Letter) and agree to your program in SAA book prior to bringing her home from rehab?

My number is: -----------

Good deal. And I would make it mandatory that she has to move out immediately if she drinks again. A big mistake that spouses make is to insist the alcoholic go to meetings but not make it a boundary that they stop drinking. Hold her feet to the fire on that one.

Thanks to both of you... you are helping me see what it means to keep loving my wife, but in a tough and boundaried way.

Maybe I do need to connect with Dr. Harley and see what his advice is about my situation... I do know that I won't accept relapse and drinking again. I am fed up with that, and know what I have been doing is not protecting myself or my kids.

You need to email him ASAP so you have guidance from him and a plan on how to move forward.

MelodyLane - I re-read your sample letter that you wrote above. Didn't my wife already send a no contact letter with the email she sent in late June stating do not contact?

Talked with friend and husband today, and gave them all the details about what happened. Her friend knew some, but not all of what I shared. I believe she is not trying to enable her friend, and do think she is being naive. Her husband doesn't want her contacted by OM, but doesn't seem to want to tell his wife that. Friend doesn't seem to want to stay connected either, so I'm not sure why she is. I repeated that it was not ok to pass on info to my wife or to OM about my wife.

She agreed, but asked what to do if/when wife asks to pass on a message, or asks for OM's contact info. She doesn't want to be "controlling". I repeated that no contact was the only way my marriage is restored, and that it was ok for friend to not pass on the info, as that was more about setting boundaries than being controlling.

Not sure I got through to her, and wanted to ask if you guys think there was a better way to frame that? Or encourage husband to be a man and ask his wife to dump the OM information and contact? I think if I can help her and her husband see the potential danger to them + my wife having an A relapse, they would follow through and destroy contact info and refuse to accept contact from OM.