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#2815366 08/18/14 07:48 AM
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Long story short: I had an affair. I confessed, exposed, AP moved away. Two years later I caught my husband in two affairs within 3 months. The second time I caught him on top of her in the park. This was 2.5 years ago.

Both OW still live/work here. I do not worry about him starting up with them. I DO worry about him not telling me if he sees them because I want honesty in our marriage. My BIG THING is that I trigger horribly, traumatically, when I see them - especially the one I caught him with, so I WANT TO MOVE!
But he doesn't want to. He has suffered enough with my affair and his career is important to him. It's one made of contacts and we've been here 21 years so he would lose a lot.
I feel unloved. He'll do almost anything for me but this.
I feel like I'm still being punished for what I did. He feels I want to punish him for wanting to move.

How do we get on the same team? I cannot accept this because it feels like I'm compromising myself to stay in the marriage. Am I wrong on this?

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
Long story short: I had an affair. I confessed, exposed, AP moved away. Two years later I caught my husband in two affairs within 3 months. The second time I caught him on top of her in the park. This was 2.5 years ago.

Both OW still live/work here. I do not worry about him starting up with them. I DO worry about him not telling me if he sees them because I want honesty in our marriage. My BIG THING is that I trigger horribly, traumatically, when I see them - especially the one I caught him with, so I WANT TO MOVE!
But he doesn't want to. He has suffered enough with my affair and his career is important to him. It's one made of contacts and we've been here 21 years so he would lose a lot.
I feel unloved. He'll do almost anything for me but this.
I feel like I'm still being punished for what I did. He feels I want to punish him for wanting to move.

How do we get on the same team? I cannot accept this because it feels like I'm compromising myself to stay in the marriage. Am I wrong on this?

Dr. Harley recommends moving after an affair alot. Especially in your situation where there have been 3 affairs between the 2 of you. I'm sure you'll remained triggered. Why wouldn't he want to protect you from this?

What about writing Dr. Harley and have him talk with your H?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I can't remember which clip it is, but Dr. Harley recommends moving after an affair.
Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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my husband is currently reading Love Busters. He asked me to stop with the Angry Outbursts. I can't wait until he gets to the Just Compensation part and how often Harley suggests moving...

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
my husband is currently reading Love Busters. He asked me to stop with the Angry Outbursts. I can't wait until he gets to the Just Compensation part and how often Harley suggests moving...

Will he listen to radio clips?

There are some in here. What is Just Compensation


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: kstockett
my husband is currently reading Love Busters. He asked me to stop with the Angry Outbursts. I can't wait until he gets to the Just Compensation part and how often Harley suggests moving...

What are you doing about your AOs? Have you listened to these? Anger Management 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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just compensation is something that won't hurt you. A job loss would hurt him, in his opinion.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
just compensation is something that won't hurt you. A job loss would hurt him, in his opinion.

But it hurts you, his wife, seeing his OW around and triggering all the time.

Has he even looked for another job?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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no.
his just compensation is he stayed after my affair. He's done compensating.

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maybe I just need to heal, get over my insecurity, and think of my marriage as more important than these occasionall triggers though.

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Does your H still work with one of the OW? I seem to recall something about that...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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He does not. He does work about 100 yards away. I'm really not feeling anything is going on and that he is in the marriage with two feet.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
He does not. He does work about 100 yards away. I'm really not feeling anything is going on and that he is in the marriage with two feet.

100 yards away from the OW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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yes.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
yes.

Well no wonder your triggered. He still works with the OW and everyday he goes to work the affair is on. Was this exposed to their jobs?

He needs to not only quit that job. You need to move.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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he does NOT work with the OW. HE works near her office

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Did you expose his A's?

What type of due diligence have you done or are you doing to know that these were the only 2 A's, or that these A's have not continued or there have been no further A's since? (ie. polygraph, transparency to all phone and internet use, spyware, etc)

What type of EP's did you put into place after both your affairs?

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
maybe I just need to heal, get over my insecurity, and think of my marriage as more important than these occasionall triggers though.


You do need to heal. You will NOT do this when you run into the OW's sporadically, or know that your H can run into them any day of the week.

It is not about insecurity, it is about you perceiving a threat to your marriage, because there is one.

You need to rephrase that question at the end, is your marriage more important than your H's job?

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Originally Posted By: unwritten
Did you expose his A's? YES, FAR AND WIDE

What type of due diligence have you done or are you doing to know that these were the only 2 A's, or that these A's have not continued or there have been no further A's since? (ie. polygraph, transparency to all phone and internet use, spyware, etc)
ALL OF THIS - AND I HIRED A PI.

What type of EP's did you put into place after both your affairs?


HE WILL NOT GO WHERE THEY ARE AT, STAY WHERE THEY ARE AT, IF AT A BUSINESS FUNCTION. NO BEING ALONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX, ETC.

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Who all did you expose to?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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