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so was him having email and a phone.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
so was him having email and a phone.
Do you really think that having email and a phone are threats on a par with being 100 feet from the OW? Who are you kidding?

Monitored access to email and phones ARE typical EPs, so your comparison doesn't even work. Your marriage would be better off with no email, no phones, and being no closer than 500 miles from the OW. If having a phone justifies the situation you are condoning, then you both would be better off without one.


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I can see I am wasting my valuable time here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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i just don't worry about this.
I worry about me triggering and if it's worth it to stay....

He either gets it or he doesn't. He does it again and I'm out. he knows I would hire a PI if I ever need to.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
what affair? He's been out of it for 2.5 years.
I guess that you have the right to think that your H is out of the A.

His enjoying the opportunity to take a hit of that crack pipe (see the OW from across the way) every so often will NEVER allow your marriage to heal. If he is getting any thrill from it (which of course he is), then the A is still ON (even if not physical).

While he still sees her, his choices are going to be selfish, so of course he would not wish to move away. As opposed to being out of the fog and back in lovewhere his choices will be those of extraordinary care.

Even if he knows about your struggle for two years.he is NOT going to do anything to change it while you are enabling him to continue to SEE this person! It is called cake eating, and every WS does it.


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Originally Posted By: kstockett
i just don't worry about this.
I worry about me triggering and if it's worth it to stay....

He either gets it or he doesn't. He does it again and I'm out. he knows I would hire a PI if I ever need to.

So are you saying that as long as the A doesn't return to physical, you are fine with it?


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kstockett,

Did you or your H ever take a polygraph.

You trickle truthed your H which may have lead to his giving up on trusting you.

Was the OM exposed to the same level as your WH?

God Bless
Gamma

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Gamma - no. Although I have told him everything.
He has given up his trust on me? I told him some pretty uncomfortable things. 6 months before he had his affair I was raped. I had to tell him that as well. I almost committed suicide over it. It took him a year before he stopped blaming me. He called it my 2nd affair. It has been very difficult but he doens't do that now.

OM - yes, to job, wife, family... same as I exposed.

Also, hubby said it would be 50/50 on whether or not he would kill either man if he saw them. I tried to point out the double standard. And then I asked how would he feel about seeing them if he "caught me in the act?" He said it would be very hard. Ya think???

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
Gamma - no. Although I have told him everything.
He has given up his trust on me? I told him some pretty uncomfortable things. 6 months before he had his affair I was raped. I had to tell him that as well. I almost committed suicide over it. It took him a year before he stopped blaming me. He called it my 2nd affair. It has been very difficult but he doens't do that now.

OM - yes, to job, wife, family... same as I exposed.

Also, hubby said it would be 50/50 on whether or not he would kill either man if he saw them. I tried to point out the double standard. And then I asked how would he feel about seeing them if he "caught me in the act?" He said it would be very hard. Ya think???

Your H calls you being raped an affair? Why is that?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I didn't see any history about your H's second A, just the first one with the OW you are referencing here. Is there a second OW? Or did he resume contact with the first OW after you found out?

If there is a second OW, is she also in your area?

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yes, on April 18, 2012 I caught him again. I knew something wasn't right and I hired a PI. And I put a VAR in his car. I said to myself if he's clean I'll never spy again. The PI calls me and tells me he's in a park. I go over and he's on top of a woman in her car. I pull him off of her and its' a different woman. This is so painful to write about.
I said i'd file for divorce be3cause of obviously, if he is in another affair 3 months later he doens't want to be married to me. He begged me not to, gave me his phone, I'm the administrator or everything, is totally transparent, etc.
And we've tried to recover ever since. It's been so hard.
Both women in the area.

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because I didn't scream or fight him off.

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k,
Not sure what to tell you. You seemed to do things based off your feelings/opinions vs following Dr Harley's plan of recovery. You've been here for four years and haven't implemented very much...and your marriage is no better off than when you arrived here, it's worse.

You just mentioned at one point saying to yourself that you will not spy ever again if he's "clean". Huh?? Accountability is good for everybody. Especially someone who has strayed. It helps the BS feel better when they don't find anything, trust starts to be rebuilt. It's win/win.

Why don't you set aside your own ideas of how to fix your M and follow MB.

Last edited by SusieQ; 08/18/14 05:06 PM.

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Originally Posted By: kstockett

He either gets it or he doesn't. He does it again and I'm out.


Actually you are the one who doesn't get the purpose of EPs. It's to take risk out of the way and not trust your H to rely on willpower when willpower has failed him TWICE.

I see that we warned you that your H was still foggy and told you he was still wayward, right after you exposed and ended affair #1. We warned you that it was likely as a result of being in close proximity to OW1. Some of the things you have mentioned about your H make it seem like he is still foggy/wayward.

Let us know if you want help implementing MB.


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kstockett,

because I didn't scream or fight him off.
.
Sorry to hear about that.

Did you ever report the rape to the police or do you know who the rapist is?

It could also be that your H felt that it was just another lie, did you offer to take a polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

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Gamma, yes, we contacted them twice and considered filing a civil suit. and yes, hubby contacted him and said he'd kill him if he ever came near me again.

I have offered. Hubby doesn't consider it a lie. But wishes I would have protected myself more.

Does this have a lot to do with our recovery; His trust in me? I have offered repeatedly to take a polygraph for anything.

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What about contacting D. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I'm all for contacting them. I'm guessing I get one question. what do you think is the most important one?

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Originally Posted By: kstockett
I'm all for contacting them. I'm guessing I get one question. what do you think is the most important one?

Can you be a caller? Will your WH join you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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kstockett,

You wrote Gamma, yes, we contacted them twice and considered filing a civil suit. and yes, hubby contacted him and said he'd kill him if he ever came near me again.

If some guy raped you why is he not in jail? Isn't this a police matter?

God Bless
Gamma

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