I did send an email to Dr Harley. Waiting to hear back.

I haven't had another scheduled AlAnon meeting yet - Thursday.

I did get ADs early on, but don't feel the need anymore. Initially, I almost couldn't function, living with the crushing anxiety and realization about what had happened/what was continuing to happen. They helped during that time, but had side effects I didn't like. I've been off for awhile, and think I am thinking clearly again. The one thing I'm struggling with is turning off my mind at night, and have suffered with sleeping issues. I just got a sleeping pill prescription yesterday, so I hope that's not an issue anymore.

I started doing Plan A almost immediately after my D-Day, as it seemed obvious I wanted to win her back 100%. It has been hard because this has dragged on almost 3 months now, and I'm just now hearing some of the detachment hurts from her now, at an intensity I would have expected them in the first couple weeks, but not now. I know the alcohol was her way of hiding from dealing with it, and she's drying out now, so perhaps that was just a pause button on the disconnect phase.

And I know it will make me a better husband, and all the positive things. It has just gotten harder to do than it was in the first couple weeks. It would feel better if I started seeing some changes coming from her, but I haven't yet. I guess I need to remain patient and trust this will work.

Is, plan a is not appropriate with an alcoholic because they do not have normal emotions. Dr H does not recommend his program with an alcoholic until their alcoholism has been arrested. When that happens, it is either plan recovery or a separation.

Were you on the show today? What did you think?

KS, I heard your call today. It sounds like it went very well. One thing I didn't hear addressed on the air was exposure of the affair to your children? Did Dr Harley address this with you?

Yes, I was on the show today. I thought a lot of what he said was very helpful. I want to listen to it again and take some notes, but it seems the current posting was cut off somewhere in the middle. Any idea if there is another way to get a hold of the recording?

He didn't address the exposure - I forgot that piece when I sent the email. Definitely shocking to get a call the day after I sent the email!

The rebroadcast is cut off?


He is pretty adamant about exposure to your children, so if you still don't believe me, I would urge you to write him. That is an important step for your kids and your wife.

I have it on my list and will post it as soon as it is available.

Another benefit of exposing the affair to your children is that your 13 year old daughter will hold her accountable. Teenage girls are HOLY HELL on affairs!

Did you base your letter to Dr. Harley on the sample I posted to you earlier?
I didnt include the topic of exposure in that post because Dr. Harley is very clear about exposure. "Expose it far and wide," is what is repeatedly said on his radio show.

Here's your show. Radio Clip of KSummit's Show

Sad and pathetic update.

One day after talking with Dr. Harley, my wife started bugging me to bring her home. She said she was still withdrawing, but the rehab wouldn't give her any detox meds since her blood perssure was low. I resisted all the manipulations and horrible things she said. I reminded her that she committed to 2 weeks, or leave. She hung up, and called me a few hours later saying she had checked herself out AMA. I validated by calling the rehab that she had checked out. I left her there a couple hours until it got dark, then went to the rehab and found her there. I ended up taking her home. That's the pathetic part - I couldn't hold to my own boundaries.

She went to our doctor the next morning and admitted about the drinking and asked if she could safely detox at home. The doctor gave her detox drugs, and we tried that night, and it worked. The next day, Friday, she went without a drink until I got home. I gave her the detox drugs in the evening. Several hours later, she said they weren't working, and she needed alcohol instead. I refused to get any. She said she was going to leave, and I didn't stop her, except to grab all the car keys since she was on detox drugs. She walked out the front door... no idea where she was headed, but I didn't lock the door. My son came home from work, and then left for a lock-in, and locked the door. I eventually went to sleep.

My wife apparently had only hidden in the back yard, and was upset the door was locked. Assumed I did it on purpose. She rang the doorbell, threw things at our bedroom window, but I didn't hear her over the white noise machine. She then broke my office window downstairs and broke into the house - cutting herself in the process. I didn't hear her come in the room and grab my phone - she later claimed she did it so she could read my texts to her friend about my wife. I had nothing to hide. I later realized she was probably searching for OM contact information, since I told her I had it... I had deleted it a week earlier. She packed her bags, and left in her car.

She went to the local convenience mart, but they told her she couldn't buy alcohol in Texas after midnight. So, logically, she decided to drive to OM's bar, and get a drink there. She drove there, and OM wasn't there, to her disappointment. This was the 4th time in a little over a week she had tried to contact OM. While there, wife wrote OM a love letter - one I discovered after she came home the next day. How could she do that after 2 weeks of no contact - is that explained by the alcoholism?

Anyway, the next couple days, she did good with the detox drugs, and I was naively hopeful. On Monday, she was very busy, and I thought things were going well. I needed her to pick me up at the train station at 5:15, so I called her at 4:45. She sounded good. Then she didn't show up... and I waited. I called her at 5:30, and she didn't answer. Shortly after that, my 13 year old called me and said her mom was acting weird. I told her to tell mom to call me. My wife called me, and I asked how she was. She sounded completely plastered, and she then realized she forgot to pick me up, so said she was on her way - I told her no way, I had another ride and didn't need her. She didn't listen, and began driving to the train station - she called me multiple times en route, and I could tell she was way beyond sober.

She ended up in a parking lot 2 miles away, and I told her to stay put. I walked to her location, and arrived just as a police officer arrived. I protected her from getting a DWI, but I still had to take her to the emergency room - 0.36 BAC, over 4X the legal limit.

That cemented my resolve... I took the next day off work to make sure she found a rehab. My requirements, out of Dallas, and for as long as Insurance covered or 28 days. So, she flew out on Wednesday, and has been in rehab for 3 full days. Her release date is 9/17, and I am finally at a place I can leave her where she is. The older kids and I are all in the same place. She can't get home in a few hours or via taxi, as she has no money to head home, and is 3.5 hours away. I have talked to her and supported her, and thankfully have not heard anything from her about ending rehab early.

All that being said, I have realized some things about my marriage... I have given a lot, even in her sober times, and I am the giver, and she is the taker. I have had amazing resiliency to keep our relationship alive, but now after the addiction and the A, I am not sure I want to keep going. We have been together for half of my life, and have 4 beautiful children, but I find myself fantasizing about someone who might actually respond positively to my love. I have to wait out the next 25 days to see if my wife is willing to do what is necessary, but I'm afraid even after she returns, I will finally see her for what she really is, vs what I have made her to be over the past 5-6 years.

Just wanted to share my experience with everyone... I am near the bottom, and still willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, but not sure I want to do that anymore either.

KS, so sorry to hear this latest news. But very proud of your smart, quick action by socking her into treatment again. Your marriage won't make it if she doesn't sober up. I am sorry to say that that does not look hopeful. In your position, I would start looking at divorce.

I think it is a longshot that your marriage will ever make it. It will take a HUGE SHOCK to ever wake her up, such as jail, divorce, etc. I am sorry you covered up for her when the police came. I know that sounds very harsh, but jail has saved the life of many alcoholics because it was the ONLY THING that woke them up.

I would encourage you to file for divorce and start making plans to protect yourself financially and legally before she ruins your life.

As far as being a taker and giver, you probably know that can't be applied here. In this situation, you have been the enabler [FORMER] and she is the sick alcoholic.

It is truly amazing how far you have come since you first arrived, my friend...

Most alcoholics don't make it. Your wife's situation does not look hopeful.

Yes... amazingly, it has been my minor children, 16 and 13 who have helped me see reality. I have heard their teenage complaining, but have heard truth in their reality, and know that they have been hurt immensely by their mom, and they are willing to do more than me to make things right... which resets my codependent reality, and makes me realize that I need to cut bait and move to a healthy reality. I am holding on to a last grasp - a sliver of hopefulness that is my wife's 10th time in rehab. I have learned so much, and am hopeful for the healing, but am realistic, and am looking for the tell-tale signs of failure to heal.

Like I said before, I have 25 days to see her do "her best". I am still connected to her emotionally, which will be really hard to break. But, I have 4 lives in the balance, and can't keep enabling. Thanks for keeping it real from the beginning, Melody. It's been hard, but I need to hear it.

.36????

After six years in the field I've only seen one person approach a near .40 and that was a severe lifelong alcoholic.

This woman will drink herself to death very soon.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Honestly, I'd recommend divorce. She is so sick that she must face the REALITY of losing her family. Not the threat, the reality.

I dealt with multiple impaireds nightly and never a female that high of a BAC I am speechless she is still alive. The average woman is falling down at .06-0.08.

Yes, I know I protected her... I was protecting the family too, since I know how expensive a DWI is. What happened resolved me, and I am ok that I protected the family from that financial black hole.

I am not hopeful she will be resolved, after this 10th rehab... I have a sliver of hope, mainly because I love my wife. But, I am finally to a point that I am ready to do what is right for my family, and push her out, as sad as that sounds.

I would suggest you didn't protect her or the family by doing that. If she is ordered by a judge to stay sober she would have to either stay sober or go to jail. The lives of many alcoholics have been saved by going to JAIL. It has also protected the lives of innocent bystanders who might be killed by the drunk.

If this happens again, please don't enable her. She desperately needs to go to jail.

Yes, I know I shouldn't protect her... but, I now by protecting her, I am protecting my family's finances... I am not even sure jail would convince her she is at the bottom.

I will not enable her again. I am emboldened to let her tie her own noose around her own neck.

I have my own crap where I have been to jail... I know it saved my life, because that was a huge wakeup call. I have to believe it would do the same for my wife.

I agree that .36 is a huge statement... though late May she was at over .4, and blamed me for taking her to the ER... I should have learned sooner.

Someone who achieves those intense and Life Threatening B.A.C. Levels has, for a Long Time developed a significant tolerance level.

Jail would have been so kind of an option for her.

No, DUI's do not have to be excessively expenssve. They only get costly when trying to avoid the legal repercussions of their harmful behavior and want to minimize the punitive actions as much as possible.

Firstly, she most likely Will NOT make it through the next 25 Days.

The best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior.

You are viewing her recovery potential through hopeful filled rose colored glasses. SHE is NOT Serious about sobriety..... Yet.

What is your plan if, (When), she relapses again?

LTL