But that does not address the problem. The problem is that your marriage won't recover unless you a) stop traveling and b) start working the same shifts.

Nor will "working in a female environment" or staying in touch with you prevent an affair.

The problem still exists. Hopefully, Dr Harley can help you find creative solutions to solve the problem.

Sorry I talk a lot but by getting my advanced practice degree I will have many more options to be home more. Maybe teaching or working in a clinic.

It's real important to choose a lifestyle that COMPLEMENTS your marriage, instead of one that destroys it.

Your whole lifestyle has destroyed your marriage and that destruction will not stop until you make dramatic changes in your lifestyle.

You can't continue the same lifestyle and expect anything to change. IT won't.

It will take an approach that puts your marriage FIRST and anything that harms your marriage is eliminated. Your marriage is not going to get better by magic. You have to CHANGE your lifestyle.

The question to ask is: how does this help my marriage TODAY?

Your marriage is on life support in the ICU. By the time you get an advanced degree, your marriage will be over.

AMEN!!!!

May I ask what your shifts/rotations are? I was meaning ~ for example in our case instead of working a 12hr night shift, I would work a normal 8 hour one and then pick up an extra 4 wherever coverage was needed.
Believe me I KNOW how difficult it is - my BS and I went through it to, we gave up EVERYTHING! We left jobs, our home, my family, my SON and moved from one end of Canada to the other, we started over with NOTHING but 3 tote bags and 4 boxes.
The end result is we are just into our recovery 16 months and will celebrate our one year "relocation-versary" Sept first.

It helps my marriage today by working toward something that will help my marriage tommorrow. I started traveling because we were drowning financially. My husband encouraged it. I bawled in the car to every assignment but we thought we were doing the right thing for our family. In four years the only time I have been able to take a week off was when my mother died. I have literally worked straight through. all the while praying every time I used my debit card that it would not decline. Every time I would finish an assignment I would say I want to stay home for a week or two and he would always say we couldnt afford it. We have had our house forclosed, our utilities turned off. I am not working out of town because I love it. But as I said I will write Dr. Harley.

I work three 12s at a hospital about an hour and a half from our home. I sleep in the hospital when I have to work several days in a row. I know it is not ideal but that is why I chose to go back to school. So I dont have to travel anymore.

It doesn't benefit your marriage today, though. That is my point. If a person is dying on the operating table, they can't wait around while scientists "work toward" some new cure in the future. The patient will be dead by then. Your marriage won't make it.


While you meant well, it was not the right thing for your family. Your marriage has been destroyed. That is not the right thing for your family.

Marie, there is nothing in your life that can bring you more happiness and good quality of life than a good marriage. Money cannot buy happiness when your marriage is a wreck. A job cannot buy happiness when your marriage is wrecked.

Out of those 3 things, job, money and marriage, the only one that can make you happy and change your quality of life is a great marriage.

When you are happy and stable at home, the rest of your life will follow. Put your marriage FIRST, not last. You can see what happens when you put your marriage LAST.

I absolutely agree and in Dr. Harley's books he talks about needs and one of my needs is financial security. I am not talking about a house or a car. I am talking about the debit card declining or the water getting turned off. but I will write him and see what he thinks.

I saw the question you asked my husband Melody. The way he knows I am not lying is that I am the one who told him about the affair. He did not catch me. I was ready to be done with this marriage. I chose the only thing I knew that was unforgivable. Luckily for me my husband loves me so much he would not give up on us because I was so done.

And though you were working so much and hard due to the stresses of finances....you found time to have an affair vs create a better marriage.

Consider your H your lover and how would you create a life to vastly include him as a priority.

I have admitted fully it was the absolute wrong way to end my marriage. It was selfish and hurtful and I would never do it again.

Can you and Drew do your finances together? If someone is checking the accounts every day, then you will KNOW if you have money in the account (and thus no worry about a debit card declining).

You and Drew are both working full time, so you definitely have enough money for your "four walls". By that I mean enough money to have your basic needs met�food, utilities, clothing and shelter.

Your debts are not more important than your M. What we had to do in our sitch was let the debts go. We ARE paying on them, but we designed our own "minimum" payment based on what WE can afford.

The four walls have to come first. I suspect that you WOULD be able to quit your night work and get a nursing position closer to home for half of the pay, if you and Drew would go over your budget and put your "four walls" first.

If this means that your daughters will have to pay for their own college, or quit and take a year off while they go to work, then that will have to be.

Our adult daughter's condo is now in foreclosure because we had to stop paying her mortgage for her (we had been helping out because she had returned to college).

These circumstances are symptoms of a lack of interdependent behavior in M. In our case, it was from years of independent behavior and not managing our finances TOGETHER. I was like you and I had kept working harder and harder in order to support our family. At one point I truly had been working 14 hours per day, seven days per week. And of course because of that, H and I had no UA time together for years.

THIS is what Melody is talking about when she explained that we need to make a total lifestyle change. This lifestyle is not at all good for our M, and in fact it destroys our M.

That does nothing to prevent repeat contact.

Did you read my response to that up above?

We know what he thinks already. We have told you. We have shown you this. You should put the marriage FIRST and get a career that complements your marriage. That career should NOT be on an opposite shift and should NEVER include nights apart. You should be spending the nights together.

If you want to save your marriage, you must find a job that complements your marriage. Not one that destroys it.

The point in writing Dr Harley is to get his help in finding creative solutions so you can get out of that job and save your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage?

And no, he does not know if you are lying or not. How would he know this? You spend the nights apart and have plenty of opportunity to talk to the OM.

You know I am going to contact Dr. Harley and stop talking because I cannot get through that I stayed in this marriage out of obedience to God. I was completely ready to be alone. I was not exposed. I exposed myself. we are working so hard to make things right and we loved Dr. Harley's material but no matter what i say it is all about the OM and what a liar I am. So not encouraging.