[

Should I bring printed copies of the emotional needs questionnaire? or should I wait on those? Should I try to get him to tell me more about the affair? Should I talk about my expectations and ask him about his? I feel like a freaking teenager who's crush finally invited her to go out on a date!

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Ok, is any reaction other than the WH being pissed that you exposed the affair, normal? My husband has been contacted by 2 people about the affair. My FIL called him (I had left him a vm asking him to call me but he called his son first, FIL was not aware of the affair because I mailed the letter today, so he has not received it.) So I have no idea if my husband told him or not. As a matter of fact, my husband never told me he spoke with his dad today. WH has not reacted in anger for the exposure (he might have seen it coming as I did expose the OW to her family and he knew it). Honestly, we had no time to sit and speak tonight as the kids were impossible to settle. He has not been "lovey" but not plain hateful as he has been lately. He still agreed to go out on our "date" tomorrow night.

Maybe, I am just blind and grasping on straws here.

Either way, I don't think I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. Even though they have not had any contact since last Thursday, I am done with being treated with disrespect. We were supposed to go out tonight, he turned off his phone and did not come home til 9pm.