I agree you should not be fighting for your marriage at this point, which is why I suggested going into Plan B. I like your plan to go live with your parents. Are you familiar with Plan B?

Plan B is a complete and totally dark separation that protects you from his abuse. You would initiate it with a love letter that gives him all of your conditions for reconciliation. You can read about it here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Reconciliation is never guaranteed, though. If he ever does agree to meet your conditions, you would decide whether or not it is in your best interest.

I read up on it. I am trying to find an IM, I will tell him today again, he needs to leave, but since I am a SAHM, he is obligated to pay for everything and I expect the paycheck cashed in the IM's hand (or his sister's hand) by 7pm every Friday with a copy of the check stub so I know he is giving me everything because we are living paycheck to paycheck so every penny I need to pay bills and feed my kids. What he does to feed and house himself and pay for gas to get to work is not my problem. He will not come in and out of the house and he will have a schedule to see the kids. He will have to figure it out cause he can't take them in the work truck and I am not "lending" him our only car to take them anywhere. He also cannot come spend time with them at MY house. And he cannot take them overnight unless IM sees that he has a fit place to take them and for my children's protection, with no room mates.

In the mean time his sister is finding out what I need to do to relocate the children but she believes that if I file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, everything is in my favor.

Melody, my family is in a whole other country, I can't just up and leave because of the legalities with the kids. I will have him leave, once everything else is worked out legally I will move myself and my children to my country. In the meantime, he will have to support himself and this household. I am not putting my baby in child care to go to work to make his life easier. Once I am back in my country, I will go to work, knowing my baby is in the best hands, those of his loving family.

I would change the locks today so he can't come in.

Is his check not direct deposited into your bank account? Having to hand over cash every week is going to be troublesome because it is another reason for contact you don't need.

And how old are your children? I would make up a visitation schedule and send it with your Plan B letter. For example, let him pick up the kids every Wednesday from 5 to 7 and Saturdays from 1 to 4.

Are you familiar with the Plan B letter? Can you post it here so we can give you feedback? Also, how will you get him the letter? You need to be able to give him the letter and then shut down all contact. There should be NO discussion, no nothing after he receives that letter. You can even email it to him.

My 2 older kids are 9 and 7, the baby is 10m. I guess my older kids can walk out the door with the baby. His check is not dd. Handing the cash would be no reason to contact me, if he either gives it to his sister, who is a few houses down from me or to the kids when he drops them off after visitation. the other option was having him pick them up from his sister's house and have him deposit the check but then he has access to the money. Now fact is, he cannot take the kids, he has no adequate transportation but again that is not my problem. I need a little time to write that letter because the love is just not there right now. I have nothing nice to say to him.

Melody, other than PM is there anyway to talk to you in private?

It sounds like a good plan! And you should write the letter in your own words. You don't have to write it like in the letter, but you do need to be kind and attractive.

One thing you could do is leave the kids at the sisters house and he can visit them there. But you are absolutely right, visitation is his problem, not yours.

Hit mod notify and type in your email address and ask the mods to send me your email. I will send you an email.

you mean the little notify button on the bottom of this post? Excuse me if I am slow, I just can't seem to think straight or function well right now

Talked to his sister, she said she was going to talk to her husband about the visitation part because her husband is NOT happy at all with what my husband did and she will make a sacrifice if her husband agrees but she wants nothing to do with him either. She said he can put the money through her mail slot
I need an IM

Does your husband have an email account? The best way to communicate via an IM is through email. Your IM doesn't even have to live in the same country. She just has to be available to screen emails for you.

Yes, the "notify" button on the bottom of the post.

Susie,
A few steps to take:
1) Get an attorney. You need to know your writes and have a legal plan in place right away. You will not have enough to live on if he decides to keep his money.

2) Write your Plan B letter. Though you may not FEEL love your husband, you need to express it anyway. Part of Dr. Harley's plan requires you to rise above your emotions. As we say here often, "Feelings follow actions." So take action. That Plan B letter is supposed to be your last communication with him unless he agrees to end his affair for life, and take the extraordinary precautions required to recover your marriage. So make this Plan B letter one that professes true love but that also lays out the terms for your safety and well being.

3) Don't put too much trust in your in-laws. Though right now, they want what is best for your husband--an in tact family--chances are in the end they will be on his side. You can have a relationship with them, but depend on them for nothing.

4) Stick to Plan B and don't let the wide swings of this emotional pendulum dictate your actions. What you are going through is the toughest battle you will ever experience. And so you have to combat it strategically. If you ever doubt a step you are taking, we are here to help you.

1) I am getting an attorney consultation Monday. If he keeps his money, my family will send me some to survive until I can leave. I have one friend that I am sure will let me and the kids stay at her place until I can leave, if I have no choice.

2) I will write the letter and post it for you guys to let me know if it is good enough.

3) Him and his sister have never gotten along too well, I know, she is still his sister so I need to be careful and not put all my trust in her helping me.

4) thank you. I will stick to plan B, I know it will be hard but I have no choice, I have to think of me and my kids. I gave it my all to save this marriage, now the ball is in his court.

Dear husband,

It is very difficult to write this letter to you. I have given it so much thought. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is comes from my heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a void in our marriage that allowed our relationship to drift away and your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and our children.

The past few months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, after I first found out, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or when you'll be home. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, and I will not be seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there will be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. We will arrange for you to see the kids. Feel free to call the kids.

I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect the kids financially, and how we can legally move to my country.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God be with you, my love.

Your loving wife,
Susie

Susie,

Hold off on sending your letter until you have an IM and experienced Plan B posters review it.
I don't like the way you wrote it and it needs to be reviewed by others.

I used one of the samples and changed a few words around. I will definitely wait to send but do I allow him in our home today?

I changed up the letter a little bit. For the most part, it was perfect. I removed the "counseling" part, since that will wreck your marriage.

Before you send it, I would get the visitation times lined up with his sister and get your IM set up. THEN you can send the letter. [maybe tomorrow]

Before you send the letter, I would take out your locks and take them up to Home Depot so they can re-key them. After you give him the letter, he should not be allowed in the house.

How will you get the letter to him? Can you leave it for him at his sisters house?