thank you for reading through it. I have 2 problems though, have not found an IM and his sister has not agreed to visitation at her place, yet. She agreed to have him drop off the money but I might as well have him give the envelope to my kids on their Saturday visit, when he returns them. I don't want him to have any leverage to say I am making contact and visitation with the kids impossible. I guess I can have him pick them up from the house and walk them to the park and back? Won't work if it is raining but again, not my problem, right?

I figured the letter would be set outside with his stuff, as I have already told him to leave. or no?

Get the visitation set up and find your IM. I don't think I would leave his stuff outside though. He has left, right?

No, he never actually left.
He said he was leaving and returned a few hours later last night and spent the night in the home

Thanks. So Susie, that has to be the first step. You have to ask him to move out. THEN you can go into Plan B.

He left about 2am and came back around 5am when I was asleep. left to work around 6:30 before I was up. I have asked him to leave, repeated that to him this afternoon when he txted me asking some silly question about the kids and then tried to sweet talk me by telling me "I don't hate you", "I do love you", etc. I replied with "Please stop playing with my head and leave me already". He came home, I was here with a friend of mine and even though she knows and my kids know, I did not want to tell him he was not to come here, for my kids sake, I do not want do that to them. I will remind him tonight that he needs to leave as per his choice to not work through our marital issues to save our marriage and his attachment to his affair.

Pack his bags and put them by the door. Ask him to leave immediately.

what do I do if he refuses to leave?

Then pack up and move in with your family.

Melody, my family is overseas... or I would have left 12 days ago!

What is your plan?

he has been saying he wants to separate but doesn't want me to go overseas, so I could stay in the house and he would leave. Last night he was adamant that we would never get our marriage to work again, so I told him he needed to leave but would be 100% responsible for the household expenses until I found a suitable childcare solution and a job or he signed papers for me to take the kids overseas...

I thought he was really going to leave but I know he has nowhere to go (not that it is my problem) and no money as he gave it all but $30 that he must have used before he came home. Now it seems like he will not voluntarily leave even if I ask him to. I guess he also thought I would not ask him to leave. I would have to see what an attorney tells me Monday about moving myself and the kids overseas before presenting Plan B letter! Now, I know that is going to probably not going to be able to be finalized for months and no judge will grant me that sort of move, with the school year rolling, as in the best interest of the children.

I could go back to Plan A, just try to make as many love bank deposits as possible, etc. while I wait to be able to present Plan B if all else fails?

I don't know what to do because unfortunately he has the control. He is the one who has a job and brings in money, this is his house too so I can't force him out. I can't make him follow EP's if he doesn't want. And let's face it, I am the idiot who is still in love with him.

I am going to find suitable childcare for my 10m old and find me a job so I can maybe move out until the custody issues are solved. I know this is unhealthy and I need to get off the roller coaster but I need to be prepared to do so.

When you see the lawyer, find out your rights and consider filing for a legal separation which lays out what he will be legally responsible for providing for you and the children.
Otherwise, you are more vulnerable in regards to financial support.

Somehow you need to separate with the next 2 weeks. You aren't going to make lovebank deposits, you are going to tear yourself down WORSE and make yourself more unattractive than before. This is why Dr Harley only recommends Plan A for 3 weeks for women. Any more than that just makes the situation WORSE and makes it less likely your marriage will make it.

I would try packing his bags first and asking him to leave. If he won't do that, then you should make plans to leave and go live with your parents.

An attorney can request support (child and spousal) for you as well as seek exclusive use of the house. He can be forced out...maybe not today but he can be.

Hang in there Susie

Ok, he will leave tonight. I will go see an attorney tomorrow, too. Reality is that we have not had a sincere talk about this because he doesn't talk, he will only say half of what he means. For example I might get him to say I hurt his feelings but won't tell me how or why. He claims he really has stopped all contact with the OW and will not attempt contact ever again but that it doesn't mean he can "unlove her" and that I guess I overdrafted my love bank years ago without even knowing, so he quits me. So even without her in the picture my love bank debt is so huge, he doesn't think I can repay it.

Great!!


Perfect.


That is fine. You don't need to hear what he says, he needs to hear what you say.

After he leaves, I would take the locks to the hardware store and get them re-keyed.

The thing is, what got us where we are right now was lack of communication, or too much talking from me and none from him.

He feels I should give him some time to find a place but I feel it is hurting me and my children. They think everything is ok because daddy is home, daddy is not leaving us, we are going to remain a family.

The other issue is, I don't even see how he will do that and pay for our bills in this house. I just told his sister who said maybe I should give him a little time, that he won't have the money to move ever, so we will continue in this situation that is emotionally damaging to me and the kids until he signs papers and I leave the country.

What got you here was a) his affair and b) falling out of love.


He wants to use your home as a flop house while he pursues his affair in other words. I assure you the affair is not over or he wouldn't be asking for "space." I would tell your children that Daddy is leaving because of the hurt his affair caused and his refusal to work on the marriage. Kids need to know the truth.


He has a legal responsibility to pay the bills so I wouldn't worry too much about that. If he stops paying the bills, you can get an emergency court order to force him to pay.

I am shocked that you say this. It is his AFFAIR that has wrecked your marriage. You both know very well how to "communicate." That did not wreck your marriage. It was his AFFAIR.