I see we wasted alot of valuable time trying to help you get into Plan B when you really weren't serious about saving your marriage. If your goal is to enable your husband there is nothing we can do for you.

Susie,

I understand Plan B can be a major problem if you live in poverty in a third world, inner city slum.
But since your husband is in trouble for parking tickets (which are usually issued in civilized countries), and you have regular access to the internet and aren't living in a mud hut I don't see the imminent danger you feel you face from Plan B.

Do you know that will happen?
If he stays in this house, even under the silly conditions that you gave his father (which won't last but a few days)...you will become depressed, anxious, sleepless, start loosing weight and become an overall emotional and physical mess.

This will not help you, your child or your marriage.

Your marriage can survive a loss of a job, or a night in jail (which I still dont understand how spending the nights at home keeps him out of jail), or him going to a friends house.
Your marriage cannot survive active adultery

Melody, I am sorry you feel this way. I do appreciate the time everyone has put into helping me get ready for Plan B. His dad does not have magical words, his dad simple wants to speak to his son so he can KNOW what his son's plan is, in the meantime he doesn't want his son in the streets.



The tickets are not parking tickets, it was a ticket for getting on the HOV lane when he was alone, which he went to court on the wrong date and got a contempt, then paid the contempt fee but forgot to go to the new court date and his license got suspended.

Ok right now all I have is enough money to buy food for the week, and gas, what is left is for the mortgage that if I don't pay by September 30th, will go into foreclosure. I cannot let my 7yr old live in fear that his dad is going to get killed because he is homeless. He does not have any friends to go stay with. His sister told him NOPE can't stay with her.

Susie,

This is how you speak to the 7 year old: "Your dad is having an affair with XXXX and it is very painful for me to be around him so I will not speak to him or see him until he ends his affair and loves our family"

Susie,

Where does it end?

If he brings a woman home past midnight and is having sex with her on the couch do you bring them cookies and milk when they are done?
Because if you kick him out he could be homeless and die on the streets?

It will end.

Sorry to burst your bubble but your doing this for your scandalous WH because you expect him to be grateful and come back to you. Unfortunately, that will not happen and if I was a betting man I'm pretty sure this will continue. He messes up, you clean up, expect a reward and get just the opposite. You can't continue this cycle and stay sane. That's why Plan B was suggested. Let's look at some facts:

1. He chose to have an affair despite your feelings and those of your family.

2. He got a ticket and did not go to court. Warrant issued.

3. He decided to "leave" the marriage.

Now on to your plan:

1. You decide to let him use the marital home as a flop house because you are worried about your kids. (latter being an excuse to enable)

2. You decide to tell his father with hope his father can control him. Is there a reason he can't stay with his sister who is obviously a friend of your marriage. I'm assuming you exposed the affair to her.

3. You decide not to tell your kids so your WH can manipulate the situation into a pity party and blame you with the kids as his accomplices.

You need to tell your kids! My son was 4 when I exposed his mom affair and guess what?! He got upset with is mother and didn't want to speak to her till she left the OM. Kids are alot smarter than we as adults give them credit for. Trapping your children in a home with a man who obviously doesn't care about them is worse than daddy being homeless due to his bad decisions. Right now your WH is a bad influence, go to lawyer request spousal support and have him removed from the home. Let your adult WH worry about his own problems that HE CAUSED due to his affair.

Susie, you are being a deer in the headlights. Believe me, we understand, we have all been there. Don't make the mortgage payment, let the house go into foreclosure, say nothing to your WH. Use the money to buy your airline tickets. Sell the car to a dealer for cash to clear your credit card debt. Best of luck to you.

Does your DS7 know that his dad is having an affair?

Yes, but I don't think he fully understands what that means.

I will be speaking with Dr. Harley tomorrow.

You guys I appreciate everything, it is just difficult when I have family and friends tell me one thing, you guys another, my kids begging me and my heart stretched in every direction. I am in that roller coaster, one day I want to save this and feel that it is possible, the next I just want him to die and the next I just think anything I do will be used against me. From one moment to the next I don't know how to feel. My train of thought (right or worng ) goes like this Kicking him out will make him resent me, keeping him here is like letting him use me, leaving will traumatize my kids as it is a big change we would be moving overseas, different culture, lifestyle, etc.

Perhaps you are right. He can't stay with his sister because she is not happy about his choices in this situation, so she refuses to help him. But she did say that maybe I should let him stay here until he finds a place and a way to pay for it

Susie,
Your inlaws have NO qualifications to be giving you advise on how to kill an affair and save a marriage.
You need to focus on the MB methods or you will lose this battle for your marriage.

You are right but I am scared and overwhelmed and sad. I have never been on my own. I don't know if I can be strong for my kids, at the end of the day when I am exhausted both physically and emotionally and have no help what so ever with them. It wouldn't be as scary if I didn't have a baby right now. Regardless of my WH's affair and lack of commitment to our relationship, I can't say he did not help around the house and took care of things and he does help with the kids. Not having that support is very overwhelming and scary but I also want a chance at saving my marriage for more than those reasons.

Well he might have helped here and there, all the while he was destroying his family. My H also cheated while I had an infant, and I know how much prescense and strenght you need to have to care for an infant in the mids of an affair. The last thing you need is a cheating H helping you around.
Your older kids are capable of helping with little errands. You can do with the basics and forget about having an inmaculate home for now. Focus on your wellbeing.

This is good advice. You will feel at peace and stronger like superwoman when your krptonite aka WH is out of your house and you have no contact

Thank you. I am trying, kids try to help but I know my oldest is really not taking all this too well. My middle child is just living in a fantasy to avoid the reality. And my baby is clingier than ever.

Did you expose to your children?

About the homelessness issue Susie:

An affair is an addiction and your husband is an addict, Susie.

Addicts end up homeless. NOT because of their mean, nasty wives. But because they are not able to quit endangering their wives' sanity, spending marital cash on a whore or to keep the home safe from vile messages.

Remember that in Plan B your doors are WIDE open - as long as he commits to being faithful. Not such a hard ask if homelessness is looming, right?

Yet he won't.

Without that commitment he will continue to have his affair out of your home. Because he is addicted. He will continue to have the affair after he promises his dad not to. Because he is addicted.

FiL sounds like a nice man; but anyone who falls for the fairy story his son told him has no earthly clue about affairs. He honeslty thinks a reasonable chat will 'wake up' an addict.

Unfortunately it is usually rock bottom which does that. For your children's father. The sooner your husband hits rock bottom the sooner he may CHOOSE to respect the marital home.

Plan C - for compromise/confusion - will harm your health past a few weeks which you have already endured. We have seen women be committed.

If he can't live up to his vows to you - it's his problem and his dad's problem where he sleeps.



These are great ideas.

Your children should know their father can come home as soon as he ends his affair.

Don't let them think a woman puts the roof over the head of a cheat.

Your sons should know homelessness is what happens to men with no respect for home.

Your daughters cannot become that woman and neither should you.

You guys are right, I will be a caller on tomorrow's show. I will listen to what Dr. Harley has to say and move to Plan B, as you all have been telling me. I don't know how I will be able to take care of my children but I will.

To the poster who asked if my kids knew, Yes I told them the same night I discovered the secret phone. I don't think either grasps the concept well enough. I can tell my oldest son is depressed, my middle child thinks it is all about the "phone" itself and since daddy gave the phone to me, all should be good.