I found out about a month ago that my husband was (is?) having an emotional affair with someone he met on facebook. The person lives in a different country and appears to be extremely wealth, which we are not. I guess during some of their conversations she offered to buy me a house or whatever I would need to let him go so he could be happy. He fully admitted that it happened and said that he did not guard his heart.

We have been married 19 years and have 5 children - 3 who are older and 2 who are very young. We have had some challenging things happen in our marriage and it has not been easy for the last number of years. I know I have been pretty much focusing on the kids and not meeting his emotional needs like I needed to.

So, while confessing to me what happened, he said that he met his soulmate and that they can talk about anything. He said that now that he knows he did not guard his heart he can keep healthy boundaries on this relationship. (They have a common love of art and poetry.) I said I was not sure that could really happen, but he asked for time to try to untangle things. He has told me I am free to read facebook messages but would find it offensive if I did so because there are things about her life that are not my business to know. He has always given me his password but has now changed it, told me what it is, but not how to actually log in with it.

They have also skyped. He did tell me about this initially and asked me if it was ok. I trusted him and said I didn't see any reason it would be a problem (how wrong was I?) I also found out that right near the end they were talking on the cell phone, which created an enormous cell phone bill. I have since blocked all cell phone calling and texting through the company, so all that is left is facebook and skype.

He has told her he is going to stay and work on his marriage. We went away for a weekend and he told her he would not have any contact while we were gone. Then she started sending him a bunch of awful messages telling him how horrible he was, etc. It pretty much preoccupied him the whole time we were gone. Two days later we were going to our childs sporting event and he again told her he would be away from his phone for several hours and even gave it to me to keep so he wouldn't be tempted. Right before we left she sent a message saying she felt like "death." He then spent the whole time out for dinner and the beginning of the game worrying whether or not she was ok. He finally took his phone back to make sure. This week he is away on a trip for a week where he really can't use his phone (in a wilderness area) and the night before he leaves she dumps more negative on him.

I have pointed out repeatedly that there seems to be a pattern of sabotage from her whenever he has family things. He said it isn't like that.

I have just started reading through all of the information I am finding on this website and hope to be able to finish before he gets back from his trip on Friday.

I guess I am just looking for advice/encouragement, etc.

I have always been trusting, but I feel like this is turning me into a paranoid person. I hate that! I have also been trying to be understanding and accommodating while he is trying to "untangle."

1. am I totally nuts for agreeing to let him "untangle"
2. will he ever be able to have a relationship with this person that is just a friendship?
3. he is 20 years older than her
4. she is international and just asked him to come with her so she can show him the sights of her hometown
5. he says he wants to work on our marriage, but I feel like he is more worried about her feelings and how she is doing than he is about me.
6. I am just so stinking confused and because of our living situation there is no one I can talk to in my town...

I have no advice as I am a mess myself but sending you hugs...

dfh88, I am sorry for the pain that has brought you to this forum.

EDIT: Actually the very first thing you need to do is to read up on Exposure and expose the affair!

The next thing that would need to happen for a marital recovery to begin for your H to write a letter of No Contact, and then he needs to make it impossible for the OW to ever contact him again.

Your H would need to eliminate completely FB and Skype and any other condition that led to his affair.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I highly recommend it. You can purchase it in a hard copy book and it's also downloadable from Amazon.

Your H would need to agree to Just Compensation, which is two parts: Extraordinary Precautions and creating a passionate, romantic, safe marriage with you that is much much better than it ever has been.

You have been with your H while the affair has been ongoing under your nose and Dr. Harley would say you are probably more than ready for Plan B. Your health is at great risk if you suffer much more with your vacillating husband.

Here is a checklist for you to review. This is what would need to happen in order for your marriage to survive your H's affair.

Do you have some concrete evidence of the affair? Email, FB messages, etc? If so, print them out and keep them in a safe place.

Read this link on Exposure and get ready to expose the affair.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon

1. Yes you are totally nuts for agreeing to anything right now. Your WH is in a �fog� and will throw you to the curb every time (as you have seen yourself).
2. There is no such thing as OS friendship in a marriage; it just does not work that way.
3. That does not matter.
4. That does not matter.
5. He says he wants to work on your marriage but he does not want to give up his �friendship�, what kind of a marriage is that (see #2 AGAIN).
6. What do you mean by your living situation? Just that there is no one to talk to. You need to be talking to everyone your H knows and tell them his is �dating� another woman because that is what he is doing.

And agree, agree, agree with LongWayFromHome

I do have concrete evidence of the affair and the continued conversations on facebook chat and skype chat. Although they are not as intense as before and he does appear to be keeping the boundaries in place that he has told me he would, she seems to say things that try to undermine me, etc. By the grace of God I have been aware when they have been chatting and have been able to copy the conversations before they get deleted. She is pretty paranoid about me and has accused me of changing my husbands account settings, etc. (which I have not done) and being controlling, etc.

What I have been struggling with recently is that he really doesn't have a close friend or confidant and this relationship really did bring him joy while it was on the up and up, before things went too far.

It breaks my heart to hear him say he will never be happy again. It also makes me feel like I will never be able to compete with her youth, beauty, and wealth.

He did confide in one person, who told him it was wrong, he needed to stop it and that it was just a game to this other person. He hasn't spoken to him about it since. Although he did concede the other night that maybe it is somewhat of a game to her. They met on a poetry site and she has had at least 3 other men fall in love with her and she has rejected them all...

He also just told me he would like to acquire a passport. I'm thinking no to that one...

I guess what feels hard to me is that he told me that he could have left if he wanted to (which is not totally true without the passport) but he chose to stay so I need not be worried...

Unfortunately, I am worried, and paranoid and a whole host of other things...and feeling at wits end.

I guess I do worry that if I give him an ultimatum that he will choose to walk and I don't know how I will raise 5 kids on my own. Our housing and everything is tied to his job which he will not have if he walks away. So, then I will have no husband, no income, no home, and 5 kids. (one in college and one that is 17 months) It all feels very scary...

Your H is in the affair fog right now. His brain isn't clear about anything and he is on the brink of making the worst decision of his life.

In order for the marriage to survive, ALL contact would have to end with the OW. No further contact EVER.

There are no good boundaries with affair partners - only NO contact ever again for the rest of their lives.

To your concerns, your H would have to pay child support and probably some kind of spousal support. You could probably also qualify for social welfare such as food stamps, WIC, etc. You would need to train for a job that would support you and probably would need to rely on the help of family members.

But all this is much better than enduring the suffering of having a wayward spouse right in your house expecting you to put with some silly wayward notions of some kind of "boundaries" with the OW.

If you stay much longer, your health will deteriorate, and you will become less attractive to your spouse. You are an option at the moment. Don't be an option for your H have in the background in case this affair doesn't work out. And it more than likely will not work out. By the time you wait it out in the same household with him, you will grow very depressed and probably hate your husband for putting you through the pain of his affair.

Of course you are worried; you have every reason in the world to worry. Your H is in contact with the OW and is making plans to visit.

Good for you for copying the conversations! Be as calm as possible with no love busters. You probably should see your doctor for antidepressants to see you through this time.

Have you read the Exposure thread? Please read through the entire thread and make notes. Keep it all very quiet, hush hush, while you sleuth away. Don't let him discover this website.

Ok, so here is the issue...

my husband is a pastor.

we live in a parsonage.

with exposure could very well come a job termination and then total loss of income, housing, etc.

I am deeply sorry for this. But it's so terribly wrong for a pastor to be leading his flock of believers while he is being unfaithful to his wife. He can find another job.

This happened to a pastor in our home church, too. He was exposed for having several affairs over the past two years. The congregation was shocked and disappointed, but that's kind of the fallout from engaging in affairs, yes? I certainly don't want my pastor to be a cheater.

Exposure isn't so that your H is to wear the proverbial scarlet letter for the rest of his life. Rather it's for support for you - support you very desperately need right now. It's also therapeutic for your H to see his affair in the light of day.

I understand this is all very scary and overwhelming for you right now. But the worst thing you can do for your husband, children, and marriage is to sit helplessly by while your H carries on with another woman. He is making the worst mistake of his life and you can do something to help stop him.

Currently, your husband is not fit for his job. Expose the affair and ask for help and support from the church.

AM

The only person I have shared almost all of the details with is his mother. My oldest 2 children had some suspicions so I have clued them in. Everything that has been going on between them is long distance.

Can I push for no contact before exposure would happen or does it all need to happen at the same time?

In terms of some of the things I read about exposure, she has blocked me so I do not have access to anything related to her facebook page. The only contact I have for her is the cell phone bill that has her number on it. (I also copied and kept all of that from when I found out.)

What can/should I say to my husband? He is on a wilderness trip right now and will be gone for the rest of the week. He has no cell service. Would it be wrong when he returns to tell him I changed my mind and don't want him to have any contact with her?

He is also on the trip with his brother. Should I try to talk to him about this when they get back?

This is a huge red flag to me. Do you know for certain that your husband is on a trip with his brother? Does his brother know about the affair? You do realize that it is very possible that the OW has a passport and has traveled to meet with your husband.

AM

BTW, my mother-in-law was more than useless in breaking up my H's affair. Rather, she actually encouraged it. So, don't count on support from her.

Tell all your children who are over the age of 4.

It is not wrong for you to demand that your husband stop all contact with this woman. Eliminate all conditions that make it possible to contact each other; no Facebook, no Skype, change H's phone number, etch.

AM

Have you asked for his mother's help in killing the affair? Let all your children know who are over the age of four. Affairs affect the entire family, not just the spouse. Emotional affairs are every bit as damaging to marriages as physical affairs. But at least the OW is far away.


Expose first. Your husband will be embarrassed and angry, but that's okay. Just be prepared for the anger.

At the same time, tell him calmly that in order for you to consider staying in the marriage, ALL contact would have to end completely and forever AND all the ways of communication with her must be eliminated.

But since he's away right now, exposure would happen first.


Can you create a fake account on FB, hack your H's account, or ask one of your older children to see if they can find her and copy her list of FB friends?

Check out the Operation Investigate forum for some ways to research her cell phone number. Some people set up their FB accounts using their cell phone numbers.


Tell him that his affair has hurt you terribly and that in order for you to consider staying in the marriage, he would need to send the No Contact letter immediately. Use the template in the notable posts forum. The letter is written in a way that YOU approve and then mail.


Yes, when your H gets home, see if you can have the children out of the house or get a sitter and you both leave the house. Tell him his affair is the worst thing he could have done to you and that for the marriage to be saved, he needs to write the letter to OW and never have contact again. Be very calm and pleasant.

My husbands brother lives 5 hours away and arrived Sunday evening. They and 2 other men from our town left Monday morning with 2 canoes strapped to the top of the vehicle. I am confident that where they are...she is not.

My husband's brother does not know, but I am hoping he will tell him on the trip. If he doesn't, should I tell my brother-in-law?

Also, my mother-in-law has been very supportive and grateful I am willing to hang in there with her son. She probably won't be the most effective tool in getting my husband to stop, but has been great with me. My mom, on the other hand would be delighted. I have said nothing to her because she has been trying to break up our marriage for years. She will offer no encouragement or support except for me to leave...

I guess I feel I have botched this mightly. I should never have agreed to the continued contact, but just didn't know what to do...

Don't beat yourself up. Affairs make the betrayed spouse feel like a deer in the headlights.

Exposure - Tell everyone who is in your life. Tell your family members and ask them to help you kill the affair. Ask for their support while you work your plan. Tell your friends, tell your elders and the congregation. Do it all at once, like a tsunami. Do it without any warning.

Don't expect that your H will tell your BIl the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If he says anything at all, it will be HIS spin. That's why exposure is very important. The people who can most help will know the truth, not the wayward's spun truth.

Have you watched Dr Harley's video on infidelity? It's excellent. Infidelity: What every couple needs to know

Why does your mother not like your husband?

Ok, good. I had a vision of the well-known governor who said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he was actually in South America.

Tell your brother-in-law, especially if he is likely to be supportive of you.

If you haven't done so already, real the articles about Surviving an Affair. Also, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair".

You haven't botched this. None of us are really prepared on how to deal with an affair. The plans on MB really work at busting up an affair and then recovering the marriage.

AM