Well done!

But what about a FULL exposure? Do not think you are just going to talk him out of this when you reveal how evil the OW is. You need to get exposure done BEFORE he comes out of the woods. And when he does, you need realize he is not your friend right now who you are going to collude with in ending this affair. He is a fallen down drunk addicted to [who even knows who or what] and you need to be in charge.

Will you hire a Private Investigators

I don't really have the money to hire a private investigator. I guess at this point my message to my husband is that he is going to have to choose me or her and I will go forward from there...

I don't really have the money to hire a private investigator. I guess at this point my message to my husband is that he is going to have to choose me or her and I will go forward from there...

Have you done a FULL exposure yet? Your church elders all need to know and HELP you. Your friends, his friends, family, the congregation. They all need to know. Your H should return home and face the fact that everyone knows he is doing a terribly disgraceful thing. He needs to see his infidelity how the rest of his world sees it. It's not a lot of fun to carry on an affair while everyone looks on with disgust.

While you do your FULL exposure, make sure you commit no love busters. Get the ADs if you are having trouble with your emotions, with eating or sleeping.

Start reading up on Plan B. Because if your H doesn't agree to end his affair and start a recovery program with you, a dark separation from you is in his near future. You have already put up with this for too long.

When does your H return?

^^^^^

When will you be exposing?

Exposure 101

For a number of reasons, church leadership has asked me to wait to do a full exposure until they can talk with my husband. They definitely don't condone this and I think even this exposure is going to rock his world. I am going to submit to their leadership and trust that they will help us work this through to resolution.

You do realize that most pastors have no idea AT ALL how to deal with infidelity and most are also poor marriage counselors. How many marriages have they saved, I wonder?

Trust is not a plan.

What reasons? To keep it a secret?

AM

If I may be so bold as to say that your WH is the PASTOR which would make him 'church leadership' and he is the one in an affair. Yet church leadership is going to advise you on how to handle an affair???

Dr Harley has spent over 30 yrs saving marriages after infidelity, he is an EXPERT and his advice has worked for many of the posters on this site. (And for those it hasn't, this is because they have not actually done the work needed and followed his advice, not because the advice itself is flawed). Your church leadership are not experts on marriage or affairs, Dr Harley is.

And keep in mind that their motive is protecting the church's image, as much or more than protecting and saving your marriage.

For a number of reasons...what are those reasons?

Do they condone deception and secrets? If not, than what reason do you have to wait until they talk to your WH? If their reason is because they think they will be able to talk him out of the affair, making exposure not necessary, WRONG. This means that they are looking for a way to get you to NOT do a full exposure, and keep this secret about your husband and their pastor. This is not in his best interest or in yours. *But it is in theirs.*

Dr Harley advises exposure even if the affair is over. Why? Because it provides accountability and support. If your WH decides to go NC with the OW due to the pressure you and a select few church elders put on, but some time passes and life goes on and he feels safe again, he may resume contact. Because there is NOBODY WATCHING HIM. He has no accountability. Much like an alcoholic who tries to stop drinking on his own. If he falls off the wagon and stops at a bar on the way home, and people see him but have no idea he is struggling with alcoholism, then nobody thinks twice about it. But if the world knows he is an alcoholic struggling to sober up, and they see him drinking in a bar, the whole town will see him and know he has fallen off the wagon. He will feel the eyes upon him. He will know the information will get back to his wife....In this way you also have accountability when you expose an affair. The world is watching him at that point. It is a deterrent and accountability to him, and a support system for you.

But if it is your little secret, there is none of that.

What about your attempts to expose the OW? What about posting her on cheaterville?

This is not an OW who is going to go away unless you make it hard for her not to.

You seem to think that this is all about a choice. What you are failing to understand here is the addictive nature of affairs. Your WH is addicted to the OW, which means, you are dealing with the fogged out mind of an addict. You are not dealing with rational logical thought. It is like telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking, or you are going to leave. The pull to continue the behavior makes it much more difficult to make that obvious choice. We have seen wayward spouses who have left their children, their families, lost their jobs, and thrown their entire lives away for an A because of this fogged out addictive thought process. Do NOT underestimate this and rely on your own ability to persuade him, without a PLAN. If your request is not accompanied with EXPOSURE, and followed by a NC letter, following EP's, and surveillance and accountability, it is a plan to fail.

Also I want to invite your church elders to come to this forum for advice. I am assuming none of them are experts on dealing with affairs, and Dr Harley is. I invite them to read Dr Harley's advice for affairs (Surviving an Affair would be a good start), email him with questions, or come to this forum to educate themselves on the way to properly deal with affairs. Keeping an affair a secret, is not only not helpful but not what is advised in the Bible.

When we talked to our priest, all he said was that I had to forgive and forget. He said "Yes trust was broken, but from now on, you(pointing me, the betrayed wife) have to give him even more trust. Next day, H called OW to wish him a HB.
Sometimes pastors have the best intentions, but they are not trained to deal with infidelity.

Wow, what a risky idea.

I can't stand it when churches push the idea that you leadership means ignoring your own opinions and just going with somebody else's opinions who happens to be the "leader." Their ideas aren't magically better, and many people have been very disappointing by extending blind trust to someone simply because they happen to be church leadership.

Should he then also put his WW on Cheaterville?

This original poster is a betrayed wife.
She should expose the OW on Cheaterville.

How is everything?