Try rexposing in a calmer way. That you still all love dad and hope he will choose to come home to you all. That adultery is very wrong but we all make mistakes. They can express their hopes to their father too.

Affairs don't last and when it ends there needs to be a way back to respectability for him; even if that way back is just with the kids.

There's a great thread here on exposure to the children

Will look for it... My oldest is really taking it hard.I can see it is affecting his personality and he just looks sad, even the way he walks, he has lost all that spunk.

Of course he is. His mental map of the world just shattered. The only reality he has ever known. This is a very healthy reaction, allow him to mourn the loss. He will go through disbelief and anger before starting his rebuild. Know that this was the best thing you could do as his world belief was based on a falsehood which is why adultery runs in families particularly same sex parent to child. Now he can understand things that were incomprehensible.

Take care not to bad mouth your WH, even out of his hearing. He needs to hear only facts from you. Do not gloss over the truth but keep away from your emotions. Let him feel safe talking to you, he must not hear that his father is a bad person

And though it is fine to show how devastating this is to you.....let your children know that you ARE their ROCK to lean on in life.
That they can count on you to be their beloved Mom.

Susie,

Were you on the radio Show today?
Did you expose the OW on Cheaterville?

yes and yes. I have a sick kid. we were at the er almost all night. will reply as soon as i can

Oh no.
I hope your kid gets better !

Thanks, we are guessing a virus but he has a health condition so any fever requires ER visits. I think he is just really emotional distressed with this situation.

I posted on cheaterville but just saw it was rejected for some reason, so I reposted.

Dr. Harley was great. He seems to think moving out of the country is best, he suggested I invited my WH to move with us. I know I have been reluctant to just make him leave the house and talking to Dr. Harley also about myself (as I did with my best friend the night before) I came to the realization, that I need to change, I need to let go of this need to have some sort of control, as I do get upset/depressed when things don't happen as I want/wished when many of those things are completely out of anyone's control. It is a big love buster and off course I have my doubts but I do think the affair is over, my WH's reluctance to work on the marriage is about being FREE of my control. I could be completely wrong, but I do believe DR. Harley agrees with me that my WH feels this situation is what is preventing him from committing. Having this need to control things is a hard burden on me, I need to learn to let go and in the process my WH might decide to come home. Now that does not mean I am to blame for his affair, that is his choice, he and only he is responsible for that. He is also responsible of his decision to work on the marriage or not but any pressure from me will not be received well.

Dr. Harley and Joyce figured, end of the month is not too far away so we can wait for his decision. I have emailed them back to ask a few more questions. Since the suggestion is I move out of the country, which is a huge task with legal implications, if they think I need to make my WH leave the home while I get all the legalities taken care of, so the kids and I can move. Dr. Harley also seems to have a feel that the affair probably is over but my WH is still in the fog.

Dr. Harley says we should move no matter what. Even if we decide he decides to come back and work on the marriage. If he refuses and the affair is still going on he suggest I move to out of the country for 2yrs to see if the affair ends a natural death and in that period open an invitation for him to move there.

Just change the locks while he is out to get him to leave! Have his stuff sent on.

Getting out to a whole new place will focus your energies on you. This will either create a brand new life for you or create an attractive life for WH to join when he is ready. Win-win.

Here's your show.
Radio Clip of susiew's show

I have not had a chance to actually sit and have a real conversation with WH but I did tell him that when I said "I do" I meant it and that forgiveness was possible, that I knew it was going to take a lot of work on both sides to make it work but that it was going to be worth it. He also spoke with his dad who told him he needed to think very well what he was about to lose. To not make the same mistakes he had made when young and fight for his marriage and kids. He has decided he wants to work on our marriage. I want to go through the list of EP's with him and make sure he agrees to all of them before I settle for him staying home. We have been kind of busy and stress because our oldest son is still sick, so I want to set a time when we both are calm and receptive to sit and talk about this. I would appreciate lots of positive thoughts and prayers, so that I can present this to him in the best way possible.

Susie,

The first thing that needs done is a No Contact letter to the OW.
He needs to copy the one from Surviving an Affair and write it and sign it. You mail it to OW.
He must agree to no contact with OW for the rest of his life.

Here is the letter from Surviving an Affair:

I will talk to him about it tonight. Hopefully he really has decided to stay in the marriage and not just doing what daddy told him to do.

Susie,

There's no room for negotiation.
You need to tell him that he must agree to no contact and a recovery plan in order to make you feel safe in the marriage.

We've been asking you to go into Plan B so that you would not be in a negotiation with him about this.

I don't think he is serious but the No Contact letter will be a good indicator of his intentions.

Please post back after speaking to him.

DO NOT NEGOTIATE OR TRY TO EXPLAIN THE NO CONTACT LETTER.

Simply tell him: "I am willing to create a loving marriage with you but you must first agree to end your affair and have no contact with your affair partner."

If he agrees, hand him the language of the letter and ask him to write it to her and sign it so you can mail it.

Susie,

Was OW ever exposed on Cheaterville?

It is not about negotiating what parts of the EP he wants to follow. It's all or nothing. I meant he said he decided to try to save our marriage, that is about the extent of the conversation we had. I mentioned "daddy" because his decision came AFTER he spoke to his dad and since all I had to go off on was him telling me he would TRY, I was yet to sit and talk to him fully.

I asked again if he had any contact with OW, since the day her husband txt and he said no and that there would be no more contact ever again. I asked he write the letter and he said he didn't see the point but if it made me feel better he would. He also has said (like I said on the radio show) she is not the reason for the break up. It is the accumulation of years of frustration and lack of communication. Do I believe him? I do believe that is what open the doors for the affair to happen, he still had a choice. I believe the affair spilled the cup and since he is addicted to her now, he doesn't see how to get out. He's having a hard time seeing a renewed marriage. I'd say he is walking out of the fog and into withdrawal. I said yes it will make me feel better because no matter what happens in our marriage I don't want her to be part of my children's life.

I know you've been telling me to go into plan B but picking up my kids and moving over seas cannot happen over night. It cannot even happen without his consent. Him moving out means I have no way of knowing if he will pay the bills and if he doesn't we will end from friend's house to friend's house. Yes, I can set spousal/child support but that does not mean he will pay it. By the time wages are garnished my kids and I would be homeless. Also my kid is really sick right now, if he is not better by tomorrow, he will be admitted to the hospital to run more tests. I need HIS help with the other 2 kids. So Plan B is really not an option at this very moment. Once my kid is better and I get some news on some money that we are owed, I can either keep that money and tell him to leave, as I will have enough for a few months but would try to make him pay for all and keep the money stashed. Or he has fully committed to the EP's and we are working on our marriage.

The rest I am leaving in God's hands. Chances are my kids and I will end up overseas by the summer of 2015 but I will do it legally, with his consent and in the least disturbing manner for the children.

I am confused. Did your husband actually sit down and write the letter? I ask because my husband was very reluctant to write the letter and responded much as your husband did. He put it off, said it wasn't necessary, came up with excuses. I learned that this behavior meant that he still intended to have contact with OW, which he did for the next three months.

From what you have written, it appears as if you are setting yourself up for a sad future. Find a way to implement Plan B.

AM

Susie,

Was OW ever exposed on Cheaterville?

Yes very effectively up to 5000+ views!

Susie you need to send OW a link to her profile on Cheaterville, her embarrisment over the 5000+ views will hopefully cause her to throw your WH under the bus killing all fantasy of having a soul mate.

God Bless
Gamma

All marriages have 'problems'.
That your H says the affair isn't what caused the break up of the marriage is totally part of the wayward spiel. It would be more surprising if your H didn't make that statement.

You take ownership of creating an environment where things were not being resolved in a jointly agreeable way and you put that behind you as you continue Plan A and head for, most likely, Plan B.

I getting the legalities worked out, that way if he can compromise in the time being, I will have that ready move.

I have no way to contact her. unless I send the link via txt from my phone which I don't think would be a good idea or yes?

He texted me earlier and asked what he needed to say in the nc letter. Said he will bring it home so I can mail it. He just keeps telling me he feels overwhelmed and can't think straight. I suggested he put his big boy pants on and get himself some help. I am disconnecting from him, we will sleep under the same roof until I have everything settled to legally move. I won't kick him out but I won't be his doormat either.