I just got my book in the mail... going to read it. Do I keep it for myself or do I let him see it?

YOU should be writing the no contact letter, in the MB format. Waywards often write a closure love letter as their 'no contact letter' and that is not the kind of letter you want to send. You need to drive the no contact letter process, not let the fogged out wayward do it.

I would read it myself, and if he happened to see it and expressed interest he could read it.
But I wouldn't try to push the book on him.
In my case, my wayward wife saw the book..and I think she later took it and destroyed it.

This is NOT MB recovery!

he is not interested in recovery, he made that clear. No use in bothering. I give up but until I have all the legal paperwork I will stay in this house and so will he. Then I will move on without him.

Even though you have given up......follow Plan A while preparing to go to Plan B.

I like to say "never shoot yourself in the foot" (well, it is an old saying but it fits surviving an affair quite well).

Be the best wife/woman you are capable of being as you move forward.

That means you do not lovebust and you do not make proclamations about the marriage being over to your H (you can think it and plan for it but don't give him the message).

Matter of fact, while you both are in the house together....look your best, smell your best, use your best and kindest voice.

Once you go to Plan B, you can get relief from the nightmare as you heal.

Thank you. He did give me the letter, it just said "Out of respect for my wife and kids, I will not have any more contact with you. Please do not contact me."

That is a part of what needs to be written.

Here is the one from the book:

OW,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Susie did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay her for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(his name)


You can see it clearly states his love for his family. His resolve to be a good husband you you and how the affair was cruel and is over.

Okay?

I told him the letter was not good enough but the whole point is he does not want to do it, he is doing it to appease me, so really it would be worth nothing for him to write the letter, if he doesn't mean it. That is why I said I am giving up on trying to save this marriage. I will do what I need to find my peace in the next few months, while I prepare to move my children overseas.

Tell him to write it out verbatim. The sentiments expressed in the letter are non negotiable. None of the conditions are. If he wavers or seems foot-dragging in any way just breezily say:

"Oh of course I don't want you to attempt it without FULL enthusiasm. So, where will you be staying?"

Update. Well, I actually caught WH with the OW, it got ugly. I had her husband on the phone while all this went down. My WH just got in his truck and left and didn't come home that night. The next day, he called me to pick him up as his boss wanted the work van back. So all weekend, we were here, had some talks. I told him that for everything he had to say I did or didn't do there was something I needed that I was not receiving from him either. We went through the emotional needs questionnaire very informally and surprisingly, his most important emotional needs are mine too. He was not meeting mine nor was I meeting his. He continued to txt OW through the weekend. Come monday, when I picked him up, he handed me the phone and told me to read the txt msgs. She broke off the affair, she told him that she loved and respected her husband and me far more than she had the will to see through their connection and she was ready for her words to match her actions, therefore she was going to step away and work on herself and her marriage and she encouraged him to do the same.

Long story short, we are now on Plan B because there is too much hurt to get past to be able to save this marriage and fix it. I have no clue where he is, I will have no contact with him at all.

Through this whole ordeal, it has come out that we have been dealing with an emotionally abusive cycle, with me being in control most often. This is in no way to justify the affair or put all blame on myself. I have unknowingly, caused deep hurt to my loved ones. Not only my husband but my children. Emotional abuse sounds like some perverse action but it really is something so subtle and seemingly innocent that causes others to feel bad about themselves even if those are not the intentions of the perpetrator. I am working on accepting my mistakes and not only forgiving myself but changing the way I communicate, the words I choose and my actions to match my heart so my true love and feelings can be expressed to those I love. My marriage cannot be saved, if I don't save myself first. My WH has to do his own healing and come to accept he is not the victim, it was a 2 way street and we both messed up. I cannot control his healing, nor can I put a time limit. I can only control mine.

My predicament comes from the extraordinary precautions. Some of those are also listed as emotionally abusive/controlling. While I understand the need for them, I don't know how I can take these precautions to avoid an affair without falling back into emotional abuse.

I am hoping through Plan B, both my husband and I have the space to reflect and heal from the deep wounds that have put a mountain between us.

Susie,

The extraordinary precautions are NOT emotionally abusing or controlling.

susie,

You keep having more trouble than needed because you consistently refuse to follow the advice in here.

Lets go back to square One:

Did you expose the affair to family and friends?

There is not a single EP that is "abusive/controlling."

Yes, I did and it really is over. The affair is not the issue at this point.

Accounting for every second of their time is controlling.

It most certainly is not. It protects you from his abusive behavior.

He can't be "controlled" if he willingly agrees to this step. If he won't, then you don't have a chance at recovery.

Making your marriage SO TRANSPARENT that he can't have another affair safeguards you and ensures recovery. This is how people in HEALTHY, SAFE marriages behave. They are not "controlled." If a spouse does not want to do this, then the obvious question would be WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?

Ok, I see what you are saying I guess because in reading about emotional abuse, they mention lack of trust and having to know every thing the other does as "controlling" and emotionally abusive, I jumped at that EP and the accounting for money as borderline abusive. I agree that to ME it is important as my trust has been broken but it would only be OK if he agreed to provide this info (which also means, it is the ONLY way, we can consider working on recovery). Right now he will not agree to anything that seems to him as "controlling" or lack of trust, whether I have a reasons to not trust him or not. Through this situation, I have learned a lot about myself. We have inadvertently hurt each other deeply way before the affair was up and running. I guess we are not ready for recovery, we have issues within ourselves that need to be fixed before anything else can be fixed. I am on Plan B. He is not staying at the house, we have not communicated in anyway. It is not because the affair is on going, the affair has truly ended. It is because we have lived in a cycle of emotional abuse that we need to get a grip of ourselves individually to climb out of the hole we fallen into, so that then we can work on saving the marriage and fixing it.

Susie,

I doubt the affair is over.
He told you earlier that it was, then you find him with the OW later.
Getting caught doesnt mean that it's over.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair that you have?