These men are selfish [censored]! Most women are much too easy on them and roll over. Don't do it! <<<<EDIT>>>> Otherwise, the ball will be in his court. <<<EDIT>>>

So, I screwed up (or we screwed up is more like it).

I had a meeting with him because my IM agreed he was taking the right steps. But then I got angry at him at the meeting. We started arguing about social media accounts, etc. And he stormed off and said he didn't want to move now. I on his bank statement as well that he went to a restaurant the next day where he used to take her and the amount charged would be for two meals. So I think our conversation set him off and he went to go see her. =/

Just go dark again and keep preparing for the move?

I should not have fought him, I know. He agreed to going dark on social media with my IM, but when we talked about it, he tried to negotiate out of it. I got pretty mad that he was trying to negotiate and showed contempt (a big no no, I know). Then he kept saying, "what am I going back to? this?"

We are just too much. It's like total dynamite when we talk. I am trying to work on my temper right now. At the beginning of this, I was a doormat. Now I am so angry. I am sure all of this is normal, but I need to control my emotions better (and this is for me in general). Any tips?

But did your H agree to your conditions, all of your conditions, before your IM passed it to you? You would have given your IM your list of conditions, and your H would have already started on those conditions, such as deleting his social media accounts. The EPs are non-negotiable and he should already know this.

Yes, fighting with him about this was a big mistake. When you feel anger, you need to relax.

Next time your IM communicates that your H is willing, make sure she knows your conditions and to ensure your H is prepared to meet all of them, that you are not willing to negotiate on them.

Dr. Harley has a great article on how to negotiate when you are an emotional person that will get you started on learning to stay calm and relaxed and to not negotiate in anger. And there is also a thread titled anger management 101 here with some great radio clips.

BUT

the main thing is to make sure that your IM doesn't give him access to you if he wants to "negotiate" the conditions for return. His return has to be under the acceptable terms you gave to him at the beginning of Plan B.

A big part of anger management is learning to avoid situations that trigger anger. A husband trying to weasel around the edges of what needs to be done to have a safe and happy marriage is definitely one of those conditions, and that is what Plan B is for!

Hi All,

He did agree to them and started on some of them (put in a letter of resignation) and started planning his move. I think he might have rescinded the resignation (his boss probably didn't want him to go). She also resigned from her job (confirmed by several people).

He had blocked her on social media, etc., but not totally deleted his accounts. He had sent her a no contact letter...but that didn't work out so well, because I am pretty sure they at least went to dinner (at least).

I will read about controlling my anger. Like I said, I swung really wildly from doormat to rager. I am praying about it. I think I am trying hard to learn boundaries. I have none or I have walls. I go between extremes. Rafael (Husband) is the same way, which is why I think he has threatened to leave once a year (usually during our biggest fight).

Thanks everyone. It's been really hard because I went into that conversation with a lot of hope, but then now we are back to square one essentially. I should have just said to him nicely, "I am not willing to negotiate on this issue or any of the others that were laid out in my letter. When you have taken those actions and [IM] sees that, we can talk again." And then left.

Sigh. Still learning.

Having done Plan B with a highly hostile husband and IM'd with quite a few HHH's - what he has done there is standard fare.

You see you will even hear these men talk about how they hate their wives and want nothing to do with her. Oh but when Plan B starts all they want is access!

To recover? Um no. Not until that entire list is checklisted can you expect that. You see a man in an affair needs you, the third stool-leg, to prop up an affair.

He and his mistress have nothing to talk about if he is not arguing with his wife. That is what their entire relationship is based on!

He didn't go to dinner with her because you messed up; he went to dinner with her because you did just want he wanted!

He lied to your IM and was aggravating to you on purpose. He was deadset on getting back tothe way he had the three-legged stool set up; he wasn't serious.

Stay dark until he is serious next time. He needs to have done the job re social media and have an NC letter written before you even consider him again.

Some people tell the IM that their WH needs to purchase the recovery programme/convince the Harleys before they do this.

It is common for a WH to cry wolf and 'negotiation' should not be in your vocabulary.

His NC letter should be sent to YOU so you can send it after all communication with her has been cut off.

If he sends it, he just follows it with a text: "Hey honey I have to send you this letter so I don't get left shirtless in a divorce with my evil wife. Don't mean a word, love you loads xx"

Hahaha...

He did send me the NC letter the first time. And I approved it and he sent it with a bcc to me and my IM (I didn't ask him to cc me, he just did).

Now he is sending my IM pictures of where he is twice a day (he has a very flexible work schedule with big holes during the day--perfect for carrying on an affair since she also has such a schedule (in school)).

But yeah, I hear you guys. I am meeting with my lawyer this week to make sure I can move with my daughter without any hassles. California is not kind to the breadwinner or the betrayed spouse (actually they don't care about being betrayed at all). So I need to protect myself and her.

Has your IM read the training thread? She should have responded: "PW has specifically only asked me to send pertinent messages finances etc. I won't be passing this on". Then she should tell you nothing about his silly pictures.

I will find it and send it to her.

Can someone link me to the IM training thread?

gracias!

I'm really sad all of a sudden. I am planning my move and realizing that husband seems to not be coming with us. I feel bad about moving my daughter far from her dad. Of course, her dad didn't feel too bad about exploding his marriage in a spectacular fashion, so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad.

I am also realizing how much work I need to do on myself. I can't tell if bad things happened in the marriage because of our particular dynamic, or because we are both just kind of hard to get along with and I tolerated his bad behavior too long, while he resented my nagging.

I am plan B-ing again, but we went into in mad a frustrated, so that's the last impression he has of me.

Overall feeling crappy.

Just think though, moving away creates the most likely scenario for the reconciliation of your marriage. That is in your daughters best interest. It is NOT in her best interest to be hanging around a wayward father. If he really wants to see her, he can move with you or move to your new town.


The destruction of your marriage is due to his affair. That is a choice that he made. I am sure your marriage wasn't perfect before, but if he will commit to a program of recovery, your marriage can recover from his affair.


I know it is tough, but you won't feel this way forever. I promise!

Thanks Melody!

Any other tips for staying positive during this time. I'm usually ok, but I burst out crying yesterday.

Exercise

That's funny. My husband owns a CrossFit affiliate. I used to go there everyday. Now I have my daughter all the time, so I don't have time. I could get some videos or something though.