I haven't had a job outside the home in over 4 years. We have 4 kids age 2mos (and exclusively breastfed) to 13 years. I homeschool the older ones. When WH first said he wanted a divorce he said he wanted to support us so I could continue homeschooling, but that was before I discovered the affair. How am I supposed to financially separate like is suggested for plan a/b if I have no means of supporting myself?

The OW works with him. If I expose at work, he will likely lose his job and possibly his career. We are entirely dependent on his check. I can't do it.

I had a couple of questions about plan a/plan b and I posted them separately - is it better to keep everything to this one thread?

Yes, please keep to one thread; it is easier for posters to help you.

When the affair destroys your marriage and leads to divorce what will you do?

Your husband can find a new job, but the ongoing contact with his OW will either lead to divorce or, if you stick around under these conditions, your deteriorating health.

First expose to friends and family, clergy. Expose the OW on cheaterville as suggested. Demand that your H end contact with the OW. If he does not leave the job in thirty days, expose to his supervisors. Don't tell him about the exposure first, though.

Exposure is your best chance at killing the affair. If you don't expose and your H stays in contact with the OW, the affair will continue. Continued contact will result in an entrenched affair.

Dr Harley only recommends for women to do Plan A for 3 weeks, because it is so taxing on them mentally and physically. So you have time to Plan A while he is home.

I know being financially dependent on him adds to your fears. But the reality is that if you do NOT expose, if you do NOT fight this affair, it will become more entrenched and will lead to divorce, and you will be a single parent having to support your kids anyway.

The fact that he said he will continue to support you so that your life in divorce remains exactly the same minus him, is ridiculous. He is not going to do that. You do not marry the same person you divorce, and you will be divorcing a wayward man in a wayward fog. The fog can make the most amazing person turn into a selfish and manipulative alien you don't recognize. And, he will have his new OW adding her opinion, and I am guessing she will NOT tell him to keep sending his paychecks to you so you can continue to not work and homeschool your kids.

You need to face reality here. No matter how this plays out, your life is NOT going to be the same tomorrow as it was yesterday. The greatest chance of restoring your family is to expose far and wide and kill this affair.

Is there a way to delete the other topics or combine them? Do I need to notify a moderator?

Thank you. I know this, but I didn't want to think it. I really needed it to be spelled out. You're right.

There are many MANY SAHM's who have come to this forum with the same fear. Some have had to go into Plan B, or have gone through divorce. There are laws to protect you from being totally cut off financially. But yes, eventually you will need to also find a way to supplement your income as well, probably stop homeschooling and get a job. However, if you just let nature take its course and sit by and do nothing while your WH has an affair and leaves for the OW, what do you think will happen then? The same thing, you will have to eventually change your lifestyle to accommodate this.

If your main focus is keeping you WH as the breadwinner here, even then exposure is the only option you have to work towards that goal.

And I just found this in Dr Harley's "when to expose" article.

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job.

So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

So what does that tell you to do?

He will have to continue to support you.

The only way you can save your marriage is if he leaves that job. You have no marriage if he stays there and will be divorced. So your only hope is to tell him he has 30 days to leave that job or you will expose to HR at his workplace. That gives him 30 days to leave gracefully.

And if he won't leave the job in 30 days, you are going to be divorced anyway so it doesn't matter. If you have to go through a divorce where he is still with the OW, it will be a living hell, so you want to get him out of there at all costs. You don't want your children to have to be partially raised by the OW.

It's been a year since I went into plan B. I have had the time to reflect. While I was in Plan A, I was in constant turmoil and unable to see things realistically. I, too, believed my husband was honorable and would do the right thing. Why would I think differently when he was a loyal respectful wonderful man for over 40 years I knew him? Believe us, when we say these same great men turn into monsters...they become vicious and go into protection mode. I know it's a long shot, but maybe you should ask his family for a little financial support. After all, they created the monster. If you do Plan A, make sure you go out and have fun...even if you are pretending. Get a sitter or friend to watch the kids at night, dress up in a beautiful outfit, and go to a movie. Just tell him you're having dinner with friends. Be mysterious. It will make him crazy. It will also give him a picture of you looking your best should you have to go to plan B. Dr Harley wants him to remember you looking great and being a sweet great woman. Your husband needs to know he is making a huge mistake. The ball has to go back in your court.

p.s. if he doesn't get out of that job, you will be headed to divorce and will be competing with the OW for his paycheck. Your best chance lies in exposing at work and getting him fired. But give him the 30 day option. If he refuses, then expose immediately.

He hasn't said anything else to me about us or her since he said he would "think about" cutting her loose and recommitting to me. He did make an appointment for us to see the counselor together "because it is a good place to hash things out" and one for him by himself. I imagine this means that he has decided to continue with the ow and doesn't want a scene at home with the kids around. My plan: not fall apart. No scene. Tell him he's making the biggest mistake of his life. I think he will want to discuss terms of separation, so I will do that calmly.

Then expose and plan a.

What am I leaving out?

Thank God I found this forum when I did. I would be falling apart right now. You guys have shown me that I will make it, no matter what. I WILL MAKE IT. Eventually.

Purple:I understand you are breastfeeding so it may be difficult, but can you at least go out for 2 hours at night? Can you get someone to watch the kids? Dr Harley often suggests women need to get their education and have a career so they are not put in a position of no financial means of support. Do you need career advice? Listen to Dr Harley's radio show yesterday. A woman has a similar situation and Dr Harley insists she go back to school immediately. First, it will show your husband you are moving in a path of independence. Secondly, it will be good for you. You will be putting your husband off track and drive him nuts.

Everyone: Isn't Plan A only done if husband agrees to stop seeing the OW? jkwpurple's husband is not saying that at all. What does she do in this case? Isn't Plan A going to keep her in a bad environment?

Whatever you do, don't go to "counseling." He will use the counselor to convince you that the marriage is over and validate his wayward fog. The counselor will then serve as a divorce facilitator and you will be screwed. It will be harder to save this. The individual counselor will help him attain his personal desires, which at the moment happens to be an AFFAIR.


Your plan TODAY should be to expose his affair wide and far. This needs to be done as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to save this.

When you are finished, you should sit him down and tell him he has 30 days to leave the job or you will expose to HR and his commander. If he won't agree to leave the job, then don't wait the 30 days, do it immediately. [don't forewarn him]

Additionally, you should tell him you want to have a happy, romantic marriage with him. You have a plan to repair your marriage but that can't happen until he leaves the job and ends ALL contact with the OW.

He will try to tell you he will end his affair but stay at the job to get you off his track. Don't fall for that. As long as he works at the same place, the affair will be active.

Can you do all this?