Melody, don't you agree that she should show him a new independent side? I.E. getting herself on board with an education, going out with friends and having him watch the kids, etc.

your thoughts?

i agree....no counselor. They will make things worse. Furthermore, the husband will either use the counselor to his advantage, or lie.

No, I don't think she should be showing independence at all. That would be a disaster and is completely against MB concepts. I don't have time to answer your questions and help her. Can you please read the MB material first and then post?

Please listen to the clips in here Beware of Bad Counselors

**edit**

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with MB principles and stop disrupting this thread! Any questions, email me at MBDenali@gmail.com

He is not going to talk to you about his secret affair. Even though he has confessed, you are not his go to person with information about his affair.


He is absolutely right about one thing, counseling will be a place to 'hash things out.' I went to two separate counselors and we hashed things out. I left emotionally upset and withdrawn and my husband left upset and withdrawn. The goal of MB is to focus on today and tomorrow, NOT rehash all of the things you have done in the past. You have both done things to hurt each other and create a marriage that was ripe for affairs. But right now it is the AFFAIR that is causing destruction in your marriage. The affair is what has to be dealt with before you can focus on changing your behaviors for a better future.


Not falling apart or making a scene is a great plan! You want to talk to him as a calm confident woman, confidence is far more attractive than falling apart! But you do not want to educate him, or discuss separation with him. Tell him you will only discuss marriage, that if he commits to ending his affair you have a plan on how to create the marriage of his dreams. Tell him you will talk marriage, not separation or divorce.

Purple will have plenty of time to get an education and focus on her career when she is in Plan B. Right now she should be focusing on exposure and killing this affair, followed by a short but stellar Plan A.

The goal of Plan A is not to show your spouse you can be independent or to drive him nuts. It is to be as attractive an option to him as possible, and show him the kind of marriage he could be walking away from. It is not attractive to go out with friends and make him wonder where you are, or to show IB or drive him nuts. These actions will drive him toward the OW, not toward you.

Plan A is done as a means to convince the WS to end their affair. Once it is ended you can move into recovery. Plan A is not easy or healthy in the long run, which is why Dr Harley recommends women only be in Plan A for 3 weeks, or they will suffer emotional and physical trauma.

You have a paragraph about counseling and rehashing and discussing separation. FOLLOWED by 'then expose and Plan A.'

What you are leaving out is that EXPOSURE should be your first and only goal right now, not counseling, rehashing, or discussing separation. Killing this affair is the #1 goal, is it not?

So how are you coming on exposure?

From what I've heard the homeschool community is a fantastically supportive community. When you expose you WILL upset your husband (your marriage can survive him being upset but it won't survive a continuing and more deeply entrenched affair) it COULD very well result in him playing games with money as a matter of punishing you and/or manipulating you to STOP messing with his addiction/affair. This is typically short lived and ill-advised (should you end up in a court asking for temporary orders of support with 4 kids...the judge won't look favorably upon your husband). Therefore, I recommend you prepare for such scenario by including in your exposure any and all persons that can support you. You're likely to be pleasantly surprised at the support you receive. There are a lot of secret betrayed spouses out there that know exactly what you are going through and will help you. Because these things are kept secret so often you'll never know exactly who they are unless you share your crisis with a broad net of person.

There is HOPE in TRUTH. Don't be embarrassed. You have nothing to be ashamed off and most everyone will be supportive of your WH should he change his ways and redeem himself.

You may even call his parents and say "I am not asking you to choose sides, though I hope you will, it's not necessary. Your son has cut me and your grandchildren off financially for the time being and I could really use your help".

Godspeed,

Mr. W

The purpose is exposure.

So you guys suggest cancelling the appt? Tell him that whatever he wants to say he just needs to say it?

Yes. Killing the affair. How am I coming? I am terrified. And I can't find any of ow family or friends. I know her name (first, middle initial, last), her cell number and carrier, and I found a picture of her on the precinct's Facebook page. Should I just go ahead with our friends and family?

And if he says ok, I'm leaving, I just let him go without making arrangements for kids or money? Not being snarky - genuinely asking.

I would not go to counseling. When there is an affair, counseling can be - and usually is - a DISASTER.

I would go ahead and expose using the suggestions on my exposure thread. And, do not stop searching for the OW on Facebook. Don't give up. Try and look up other employees on Facebook and see if she is a friend to them. Be creative and keep looking. You need to find her!

You cannot stop him from leaving. All you say is that you will expect him to continue supporting the family. He HAS to continue supporting you. If he stops, you can file for an emergency support order and the judge will make mincemeat of him.

You will get through this!

Have you used any online search engines, I know some require a small fee but I think the cost is totally worth it. With her name and phone number you should be able to look up additional information that way, an address, next of kin, etc. I know if I do a free white pages search I can always find some info, like city and state and next of kin (with links on how to get more detailed info, usually for a cost, and I have never had to use that).

You have to be a bulldog about this.

Exposing OW is critical. That's what will cause trouble in the A.

The typical OW is a stalker. Most BWs need to get rid of her quick and get rid of her good.

How in the world do you tell your kids something like this? Do I give him the opportunity to be with us as I tell them?

I have realized that his good friends are work friends. I think I need to wait on that to give him the chance to quit rather than be fired. But family and a couple of friends I know I can tell now.