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How in the world do you tell your kids something like this? Do I give him the opportunity to be with us as I tell them? No, you tell the kids alone. Give them the full and complete facts along with the OW's name. Do this ALONE. You don't need your husband there disputing your word. Just give them all the facts and tell them you are doing what you can to save your marriage. I have realized that his good friends are work friends. I think I need to wait on that to give him the chance to quit rather than be fired. But family and a couple of friends I know I can tell now. Those good friends should be at the TOP of the list because they are in a great position to influence your husband. Don't do a trickle exposure, it is like taking a pea shooter to a gun fight. And don't give up on finding the OW's family and friend. Do not give up until you have found them.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you have the OW's picture? Can you get it off the internet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Posting on cheaterville IS therapeutic. I was reluctant but finally did it, I felt so much better after I did. Yeah, little vindictive but oh well...
I don't recommend you telling your kids in a rage like I did but they need to know. My 2 asked if they knew this person, he refused to say but I insisted and my 9yr old guessed real quick as it was someone we were all close with. I know that them knowing put pressure on the situation too as they both told my husband that they would never agree to visit with him if he broke our family for her.
I also thought about counseling but after the advice here I cut that out. Follow the advice here, if you want a chance to save your marriage. I know it is hard and sometimes feels like it will backfire but at this point breaking up the affair is essential
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How in the world do you tell your kids something like this? Do I give him the opportunity to be with us as I tell them? No, you tell the kids alone. Give them the full and complete facts along with the OW's name. Do this ALONE. You don't need your husband there disputing your word. Just give them all the facts and tell them you are doing what you can to save your marriage. I have realized that his good friends are work friends. I think I need to wait on that to give him the chance to quit rather than be fired. But family and a couple of friends I know I can tell now. Those good friends should be at the TOP of the list because they are in a great position to influence your husband. Don't do a trickle exposure, it is like taking a pea shooter to a gun fight. And don't give up on finding the OW's family and friend. Do not give up until you have found them. I'm not sure which are the good friends and I'm not sure who, if told, would have to report himvl and cause him to lose his job. He has a couple of good friends who are not from work I know I can contact.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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How in the world do you tell your kids something like this? Do I give him the opportunity to be with us as I tell them? No, you tell the kids alone. Give them the full and complete facts along with the OW's name. Do this ALONE. You don't need your husband there disputing your word. Just give them all the facts and tell them you are doing what you can to save your marriage. I have realized that his good friends are work friends. I think I need to wait on that to give him the chance to quit rather than be fired. But family and a couple of friends I know I can tell now. Those good friends should be at the TOP of the list because they are in a great position to influence your husband. Don't do a trickle exposure, it is like taking a pea shooter to a gun fight. And don't give up on finding the OW's family and friend. Do not give up until you have found them. I'm not sure which are the good friends and I'm not sure who, if told, would have to report himvl and cause him to lose his job. He has a couple of good friends who are not from work I know I can contact. That is why it is essential for you to expose to everyone and anyone who has even the slightest potential of being influential in supporting your marriage and holding your Husband accountable. You never know who or where you will get the most assistance and support from. Also, it Must be done all at once to Everyone. Trickling out the facts just gives your Husband the opportunity to spin you out to be some overly jealous psycho controlling Wife and he and OW are "Just Friends". LTL
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I just told my kids. It was awful. No turning back on the exposure now.
I spoke to WH on the phone, and he told me he did not intend to end it. He refused to tell me her name, then I asked if it was someone he works with and he said no. I realize I probably shouldn't have asked, but I can't take it back now. I guess I really thought he would confirm her name. The only evidence I have of who she is comes from lots of phone calls and texts on the bill. I turned on the Verizon messaged where I can see all of his texts now, but he hasn't called or texted that number since Monday evening hen I turned it on.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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You realize that your husband had an affair with a coworker, with no consideration for the fact that he would lose his job. He is continuing that affair, and planning to leave you for her. That chance that coworkers already know, or will find out in the near future, and this will impact his job there ANYWAY are high.
It is not your job to protect their dirty little secret, and protect him from obvious consequences to his A with a coworker. It is your job to look out for your marriage and family by ending this affair. Your marriage can survive him getting fired, and having to find a new job. It cannot survive this affair.
Stop worrying about who is going to tell who and how it will impact his employment, your WH and OW are not worried about that, or they wouldn't be carrying on an affair!
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I just told my kids. It was awful. No turning back on the exposure now.
I spoke to WH on the phone, and he told me he did not intend to end it. He refused to tell me her name, then I asked if it was someone he works with and he said no. I realize I probably shouldn't have asked, but I can't take it back now. I guess I really thought he would confirm her name. The only evidence I have of who she is comes from lots of phone calls and texts on the bill. I turned on the Verizon messaged where I can see all of his texts now, but he hasn't called or texted that number since Monday evening hen I turned it on. You are doing fine, jk, but stay away from asking such questions. A better route is to tell him you know and that way you avoid that dance. You know who it is and don't need his admission. Good job on telling the kids. That is a very hard one. Please get your exposures done TODAY and then start devoting all your time to finding the OW's family and friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just told my kids. It was awful. No turning back on the exposure now. Great job! One of the hardest steps to take I'm sure. You are being very brave and facing this head on. I spoke to WH on the phone, and he told me he did not intend to end it. He refused to tell me her name, then I asked if it was someone he works with and he said no. I realize I probably shouldn't have asked, but I can't take it back now. I guess I really thought he would confirm her name. The only evidence I have of who she is comes from lots of phone calls and texts on the bill. I turned on the Verizon messaged where I can see all of his texts now, but he hasn't called or texted that number since Monday evening hen I turned it on. You are right, he is not your friend right now, or your confidant. He is not going to give you information, he is protecting HER and not you. Exposure has a tendency of making AP's throw each other under the bus real quick though.
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II spoke to WH on the phone, and he told me he did not intend to end it. . And this is your answer to the question of whether he will leave the job in 30 days and end his affair. He won't. If you don't believe me, call him right now and ask. I believe you can safely assume he won't leave and go forward with your workplace exposure. You are worried about him losing his job, but the truth is your marriage is over if he keeps that job. Your only hope is getting him out of there and away from the OW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You realize that your husband had an affair with a coworker, with no consideration for the fact that he would lose his job. He is continuing that affair, and planning to leave you for her. That chance that coworkers already know, or will find out in the near future, and this will impact his job there ANYWAY are high.
It is not your job to protect their dirty little secret, and protect him from obvious consequences to his A with a coworker. It is your job to look out for your marriage and family by ending this affair. Your marriage can survive him getting fired, and having to find a new job. It cannot survive this affair.
Stop worrying about who is going to tell who and how it will impact his employment, your WH and OW are not worried about that, or they wouldn't be carrying on an affair! I know you're right. But it's hard. He'll get over being mad about me telling, but if I tell in a way that costs him his career I don't see him getting over that. I want to kill the affair. I don't want to kill him or any chance we have. Also, I am still feeling uncertain about who the ow is. A little. Well, I guess I'm reluctant to name her without proof.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I know you're right. But it's hard. He'll get over being mad about me telling, but if I tell in a way that costs him his career I don't see him getting over that. I want to kill the affair. I don't want to kill him or any chance we have. Then call him right now and ask him if he will leave within 30 days, otherwise you will expose his affair with "SALLY SLUT" to HR. Tell him you already know who it is. If he says what is your proof, just tell him that is private but you will be contacting HR.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He'll get over being mad about me telling, but if I tell in a way that costs him his career I don't see him getting over that. I want to kill the affair. I don't want to kill him or any chance we have. If he does not leave that career, you have NO CHANCE at all. Your marriage is over. And if he loses his job, it will be over HIS AFFAIR. That is not your fault. You didn't force him to have an affair. Most employers do not CHOOSE to employ liars and cheaters.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know you're right. But it's hard. He'll get over being mad about me telling, but if I tell in a way that costs him his career I don't see him getting over that. I want to kill the affair. I don't want to kill him or any chance we have.
Also, I am still feeling uncertain about who the ow is. A little. Well, I guess I'm reluctant to name her without proof. He is not going to have anything to get over, because you are going to be divorced! Telling his workplace that he is having a workplace affair is not 'killing him' and exposing is not going to kill any chance you have. This AFFAIR is going to kill any chance you have. You exposing is not costing him his career, his AFFAIR is costing him his career. You understand you are putting the cart before the horse here. You are worrying about how he is going to be able to move past you exposing to his workplace, while you are recovering your marriage. But there will BE no recovering your marriage if you don't expose and kill this affair! You will be divorced.
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You do know who it is. When you confronted him originally, he confessed. Now he has had time to think up some gas lighting and is refusing to tell you who it is with, but you already know who it is with.
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You do know who it is. When you confronted him originally, he confessed. Now he has had time to think up some gas lighting and is refusing to tell you who it is with, but you already know who it is with. When I confronted him, I asked if there was someone else. He said no. I told him he was lying to me, and he admitted that he was. I confronted him because I saw lots of texts and calls to one number, even in the middle of the night, but he has friends who work in the middle of the night, too. I see now. I do know who it is.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I know you're right. But it's hard. He'll get over being mad about me telling, but if I tell in a way that costs him his career I don't see him getting over that. I want to kill the affair. I don't want to kill him or any chance we have. Then call him right now and ask him if he will leave within 30 days, otherwise you will expose his affair with "SALLY SLUT" to HR. Tell him you already know who it is. If he says what is your proof, just tell him that is private but you will be contacting HR. This needs to be done TODAY
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jkwpurple,
One other point is that a workplace is an ideal place to keep an affair invisible and functioning for a long time. This may be even more true in Police departments where they are loyal to and cover for each other.
At one of my prior jobs there were two long term affair couples that I knew of.
One of the OM had gotten the OW employment at the past few places he had worked, even getting OW training at the expense of more competent workers. During this backburner affair the OM maintained his family, the OW divorced her H and re-married but not to the OM, and both ate alot of cake.
There's even terms for this "work husband" and "work wife".
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 10/15/14 06:12 PM.
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Ok, I made the calls and sent messages. He just sent me a text saying "I guess I need to line up a place to stay pretty quickly. I'll grab some personal items after work. . How do I respond?? I wasn't trying to push him out quicker!
I did not send a message to his boss, just the few friends I knew of at work.
I didn't tell him yet about 30 days before I tell your boss.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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