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And he asked if he could come home tonight!
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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And he asked if he could come home tonight! Did you say yes? And will he end his affair NOW? If he puts in for a transfer, I would ask to ask his boss to put him on opposing shifts from the OW until he can be moved.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You can get a good background check (online) through a phone # and it will release relatives and close associates with their names, addresses and phone #s. In my case, my kids and I wrote letters to the OW and everyone in her family, telling her to back off and let us work on the marriage.
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jkwpurple: I will be happy to help you find the OW's friends and family. I'm very good at investigation. I did it for a living. We can all help you, if you need the help. jk, please take her up on this offer!! You need to find the OW's family and friends so you can run that skank off...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Good job on the exposure!
The glimmer of hope you are seeing is because of exposure. It is because the fantasy bubble is bursting. Now you will see the beauty of exposure working its course.
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I told him the only thing that would work for me is a clean break and him not seeing her at all for any reason. He said his boss was off tonight so he couldn't ask about the transfer right now.
I did tell him he didn't need to find someplace else to sleep tonight.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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And remember, when you speak to him, don't ask him WHO the affair is with, tell him you know it is "__ insert OW name___." When I did this it was the turning point of the conversation. He went from defensive to just listening. Thank you for the advice.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I told him the only thing that would work for me is a clean break and him not seeing her at all for any reason. He said his boss was off tonight so he couldn't ask about the transfer right now.
I did tell him he didn't need to find someplace else to sleep tonight. He would need to agree to write the No Contact Letter and show it to you. You would then mail it. The language of the letter should be what is printed in Surviving an Affair: (From SAA, page 58)
OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
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jkwpurple: I will be happy to help you find the OW's friends and family. I'm very good at investigation. I did it for a living. We can all help you, if you need the help. jk, please take her up on this offer!! You need to find the OW's family and friends so you can run that skank off... I missed this earlier - yes, I would love some help.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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And where am I now? Plan a and telling him to write that letter? And actually get transferred or quit.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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jkwpurple: I will be happy to help you find the OW's friends and family. I'm very good at investigation. I did it for a living. We can all help you, if you need the help. jk, please take her up on this offer!! You need to find the OW's family and friends so you can run that skank off... I missed this earlier - yes, I would love some help. Have you tried spokeo? Or Googled her name and number?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I'm also second guessing having told the kids.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I'm also second guessing having told the kids. Have you seen this? Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BrainHurts, I had not seen that thread. Thank you.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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You did the right thing exposing to your children. Giving them false explanations for the tension in their home causes them confusion and they often blame themselves.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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People who don't tell the children don't do so only because they have no earthly idea what they are doing or how to do it.
A friend of mine took his father to task recently because he only found out about his mother's affair which happened when he was five the week before his wedding. He'd spent his entire life listening to his mother badmouthing the marriage and it had been confusing.
The fathers only explanation was that he didn't know what to say.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/16/14 08:28 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You did the right thing exposing to your children. Giving them false explanations for the tension in their home causes them confusion and they often blame themselves. I completely agree. My oldest son was blaming himself thinking all the tension was about his behavior/grades and just simply him being the cause of tension. Once he knew what was going on, he became my biggest supporter. My husband was not too happy that they KNOW but it was what was best for my children, they now can make sense of the craziness that was going on in my house.
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He is calling apartments tgis morning. He said I tried to turn the kids against him.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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He is calling apartments tgis morning. He said I tried to turn the kids against him. Listen,,he isnt serious about ending the affair and recovery. He wants to brush this under the rug and carry on as usual. Just try to be polite to him. Simply say : :I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage but you must first end your affair and agree to a program of recovery. If he complains about exposure to the kids, simply say "I will not lie to cover up your adultery"
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He's calling around for apartments because he's not serious about recovery of the marriage. Let him look and do your utmost to stay calm and pleasant.
The children have a right to know what's going on in their own family and the reason for all the tension. It is not vindictive to let the children know. If your H doesn't want his children to know he's having an affair, he shouldn't have an affair. A person who is SERIOUS about recovery wouldn't let telling the truth about the affair stop him.
While your H vacillates back and forth, put pressure on the affair by full exposure and finding out all you can about the OW. Expose to as many OW's contacts as you can find.
If he's not going to transfer or give his notice now, then this is the time to expose to his boss/HR.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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