What can you do if your spouse absolutely refuses to believe there's anything wrong with being attached to an opposite sex friend?

Details?

We need to know how likely it is that this is an affair. How close are they?

I just realized another thread had the same title, and I can't seem to find a way to either change the title or delete the thread. I apologize for the confusion. =(

That's OK! Tell us your story.

Welcome to MB

There is not an affair. It's not even all the way to an emotional affair yet, but he's attached enough that being asked to spend less time with her has caused us strife for months now. I don't want to violate his trust by revealing details in a public forum, sorry. =(

Our core problem is not specifically with the woman in question now...women will always be around, all through our lives. Our problem is that he thinks there is nothing wrong with his forming emotional bonds with them.

It's an affair. Snoop for the evidence and expose it.

Oh and you dont need to be worried about sharing details here. This story is so common there is not enough variety in thread titles to keep them separate!

Your husband's exact story has been told hundreds of times on this forum already. He is gas lighting you and telling you plainly your feelings are not the priority here. It is impossible for anyone to identify the person from those details. They are all identical.

He knows you wont stay in a marriage where your feelings are discounted, right? Theres no need to fight once that simple ground rule is in place.

It honestly isn't yet. We spend most of our time together (even lunches every day)....there would be no chance for there to be a physical affair, and they are not behaving together in a way that makes me believe they have moved into an emotional affair yet either. He and I discussed emotional affairs before marriage, and he thought he was doing enough to prevent one by avoiding discussing personal history and feelings, but he has developed a consistent habit of discussing favourite topics of interest with her.

Our problem is that he feels like *his* feelings are being discounted. I tell him that it breaks my heart to see another woman be so important to him, but he doesn't understand why. He tells me that he hasn't found another person in years he gets along with this well, and that I don't care about his being friendless and lonely. I say he could have his choice of any male friend he wants, but he says he gets along with women better. =\

Oh and by that I don't mean you threaten him. Just decide in your own mind and it will be communicated very clearly in your demeanour.

Hectoring him is what a woman who won't leave would do. It's desperate. If you keep your points short ; more like a bulletin of your standpoint it communicates more strength.

I don't think I can allow that in any marriage I choose to stay in.
I will not have other women in my marriage
I disagree and hope you will respect my feelings while you still can.
I don't see this being a problem I will allow in my life for very long.

Refuse to elaborate. He's not deaf.
Refuse to fight. He needs to come up with the idea to respect you on his own time.

Set a deadline and meet his needs like crazy. If there no affair it will work.

So you need to carefully snoop for an affair.

He doesnt need to agree. He needs to do it or lose you.

He doesn't need a female friend. He has a wife for that!

Every cheater I've ever encountered gets along better with the OS.

So does everyone. The OS meets our needs in a way that causes romantic love.

He has agreed to minimize his time with her (after I sunk into a pretty deep depression a week or so ago), but he feels that he's capitulating to an unreasonable demand, and he spends a lot of time bitter and resentful at me for that. He believes that I don't care about his needs or feelings. This is the part I want to try to change.

You don't enthusiastically agree to that though. She goes entirely and he stops sulking if he wants to keep you.

His behaviour is very typical of a man in an affair. I strongly urge you to snoop.

Meet his needs,don't fight , snoop.

That is the holy trinity in keeping his love bank high for you and protecting it from other women.

He won't care about a friend if he is good friends with you.

Unless it's an affair.

Thank you. I will do my best.

Wait, one more question.... How can I go about meeting his needs during the times he's resentful and withdrawn? And some needs I feel I'm not as able to meet....such as admiration. When I compliment his looks or abilities, he discounts it as me being biased towards him, or already in love with him. How can I meet an admiration need better than a person whose opinion he takes at face value?

And on that same note, me being concerned that this friendship could lead to cheating makes him feel bad about himself, and feel like I don't trust him, which also takes away from the admiration need. How do I counteract that?

He indicates that he doesn't care about your feelings. Asking you to suffer on his behalf shows he does not care and I wager this is not the only area of your marriage where he shows a lack of caring.

First you need to snoop. If this isn't an affair yet, it will be very soon. Snoop to find out the facts about their relationship.

Dr Harley is against opposite sex friendships in marriage, because they leave a marriage very vulnerable to an affair. If you don't believe this, you can spend one day reading on these boards and you will be convinced. Affairs begin when someone outside the marriage starts meeting the needs of a spouse, and this is already happening in your situation! Even marriages where both spouses are meeting each other's needs 100% and profess to have a great marriage can suffer an affair if boundaries are not established to protect it. The most important boundary is *no opposite sex friends*.

Affording false trust to an untrustworthy person is not good for your marriage. You should eliminate anything that is bad for your marriage.

When I first started working with MB materials, and posting on this board, I too thought opposite sex friends were fine. Society convinces us that this is the case, even though I have not met a single spouse that isn't in some way bothered by it. I changed my way of thinking and distanced myself form OS friendships that I had had for 30+ years. Why? Because my husband is more important than ANY OS friendship I had. Protecting my marriage and protecting my H and his feelings is far more important that a 'friend.'

In your scenario it would seem that your H is prioritizing his 'friend' over you, his WIFE. So I would urge you to think twice about how this could not possibly be an affair.