UMM, I would not rely on that text.
Many times, the wayward will send a text they intercept to throw off exposure.
I would try to speak with her personally

Don't say he loves them.
Thus far his actions indicate that he loves another woman more than his wife and family.

What do you mean by this? I left her a voicemail when they were not at work together and she responded before he went into work.

My second guessing with the kids centers on my 11yo daughter. She has had a rocky relationship with him already, long before this, and I fear she won't ever be able to forgive him. I know he is the one that hurt her, but still. I don't want any of my kids to hate their dad. And I'm afraid her venom will affect my chance of reconciliation.

Purple, your daughter will probably eventually forgive him IF he offers just compensation to you and to his family. Her anger at his affair is completely justified. He did a dreadful destructive thing that is deserving of anger.

A wayward who is serious about recovery will not allow the justified pain of a child hinder his desire or efforts to make things right. The way he will make things right is to make himself a much much better man, a man who DESERVES his daughter's love and admiration, rather than a lying weasel. If he works with you on a complete marriage recovery, she will most likely have a better relationship with him AND will understand what needs to happen to protect her own marriage someday.

Please stop second-guessing this very important part of exposure.

Going too far is having an affair and abandoning your family for some skank. Going too far is lying to kids to cover up your crime against them. Telling your kids the truth about what he did is the right thing to do.

Dont' let him guilt you for doing the right thing.

Quit trying to control her. My father was a serial cheater and it wrecked our relationship. The only one who has the power to save that relationship is your cheater husband. I am sorry he chose to wreck his relationships wiht his kids.

Nothing will stop your husabnd from reconciliation if he is serious. He will have to grow some balls and face her venom if he wants to save his marriage.

MY MOTHER WRECKED OUR RELATIONSHIP BY LYING TO ME ABOUT MY DAD'S AFFAIRS! I deeply resent - TO THIS DAY - her silence about his affairs.

Your husband has wrecked his relationship with his kids through his selfish and thoughtless behavior. Don't you ruin your relationship too by lying to them about him.

Wow. She understands, please leave her alone.

I know, right? I laughed out loud when I read that.

Whenever fear has me in its icy grip I ask myself what I would do if I were not afraid.

Is it possible you would not lie to your daughter if you were not afraid? Allow her to have her own reaction and to share that with her father? Allow him to rise to that challenge and become an actual good dad instead of one who pretends beneath a web of lies?

How do you expect him to become honest and fearless and learn these lessons if you don't trust him to prove himself to his daughter? If you don't trust her to forgive him when he's done enough?

When is it enough? When she says so. If it isn't enough he has to try harder.

You set the bar way too low.

Yes.

Children get very angry at their wayward parent.

The parent betrayed them so very deeply. At their very core.

It is awful to deal with.

It is the reality though. Not revealing important information makes the child conjecture all sorts of CRAZY stuff.

Facts help.

I have three children. They were differing ages when I exposed their father's affair to them. They all reacted as any person would in the situation. BUT, they knew what they were dealing with in regards to their parents/the people who created the family for them.

No one wishes this sorrowful legacy on their children. It sucks.

Children deserve the truth to deal with the mess.

If you ever do get to a point where you and your spouse attempt to rebuild the marriage..............it will be your choice and not your child's. They can give you input but it will be your choice. (Not even your H's in the end!)

This morning: he told me he has a couple of leads on apartments for mid-November. (Not where kids could hear.). I told him I still have hope for us. He just looked at me. I said do you think I'm crazy for that? He said it's not what he expected. I said you thought I would hate you. He said yes. I told him I'm hurt. But I don't hate you.

Daughter asked me yesterday if daddy's not with his girlfriend anymore is there any reason he has to leave? When he told me about the apt I told him that I still have hope for us, and I don't want him to leave our marriage, and the kids don't want him to leave. He said he doesn't believe daughter doesn't. So I told him what she asked. He said that's not the reason. I said I know there were problems in our marriage, or this wouldn't have happened. But I think it affects your willingness to work with me. He said well I guess we'll see. I asked him what that meant, and he said we'll see if it was affecting my willingness.


A bit later, I told him I needed to ask again, is it over. He looked me in the eye and said it's over.
Me: you understand why I have a hard time believing you.
Him: yes. Then he started to cry and said it's really over and it's killing me
Me: wow. That hurts. I knew you loved her, or you wouldn't be willing to leave your kids. But this hurts.

I was trying not to cry. Y'all, he was crying like he did when our baby was stillborn. Like he did when his pappy died. I knew he would have to grieve her, but knowing it and seeing it are two different things.

I asked him if he still saw her at work. More tears. No - she hasn't come in to work since I outed them. But when she does I will have to physically see her, but she's off my district. No - I haven't cried at work yet, but I'm sure I will.

I wanted to comfort him and castrate him at the same time.

I told him I still don't hate you.

Oh, and while he was crying, he said he doesn't want me to do anything to her. I said I'm not out for vengeance.

The affair is still active, I assure you. He fully plans on seeing her at work and has told you that. I would plan on going into Plan B and exposing to the head of HR.

Were you able to find her family?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair so you can start planning for Plan B?

jk, you need to take control of this situation, because his affair is still active and he is going to keep you around as an option if you don't take back control.

Go to him and tell him you are giving him 30 days to leave that job or you will expose to HR. Let him know if he does not end his affair and commit to the marriage, that this will lead to a divorce. If he can't meet those conditions, he needs to move out.

He needs to commit to this:

1. leave his job within 30 days
2. end all contact with that slut NOW, sending her a no contact letter
3. commit to work on the marriage

If he won't do those things, he needs to make plans to move out.

Yes. It is active.
He is crying because you are messing around with his affair.
He is looking for an apartment to continue his affair less abated by your constant presence (and interference).

He has already gotten his shift changed. This takes effect next week, but there are a couple of shifts left before that happens. That is when he would see her. That would happen if he gave notice, too.

He won't commit right now. Isn't it possible that he needs a little time for the fog to clear?

And he is already making plans to move out. How does telling him I want him to go help?

I have ordered the book. I should have it Wednesday.

Changing shifts will not solve the problem. Leaving that job will. The fog will not clear.