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As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way. Technically, you aren't making a threat or demand. You are making a request and telling him that this is what it will take for you to remain in the marriage. For example, when I buy gas the attendant says it is $3 a gallon, He does not threaten or make demands, He simply tells me what is needed for him to enter into a contract to sell gas to me. It feels like it because a) I'm talking about involving his boss if he doesn't. The gas station attendant doesn't tell me he will call my boss if I choose not to get gas from him at $3 a gallon. And b) because he has already said he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. When I go to the gas station attendant, I want the gas. Either way, if this is what I have to do to save my marriage, I am going to do it. Do I have the rest right? I'm going to talk to him now. Purple, Just tell him that he has thirty days to leave his job. The idea is that the thirty days gives him time to leave gracefully. Sometimes a wayward trying to recover his marriage will reveal to HR that he is having a workplace affair and they will work with him and help with a transfer. Don't threaten to expose to his workplace; keep that to yourself as a part of your strategy to kill/put pressure on the affair. Also, leave out the "commit to the marriage" part. He would need to agree to your conditions, which would be to never see the OW again, and that would mean leaving his job, and possibly moving to keep away from her, a No Contact letter written by him to the OW and mailed by you, and an agreement to join you in a program of recovery. But joining in recovery doesn't necessarily mean long term commitment to me, right? Thoughts about a transfer vs quitting?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Help me understand what comes next, please. And forgive me, I'm certain you all have already been very clear. I think I have been in a fog of my own.
I tell him in no uncertain terms he must leave that job. (Transfer to another precinct? That would take him to a different building, different part of town, every precinct is its own entity. Am missing something? Would this work?)
Otherwise, I need to go to hr to make this happen. (Is committing to me part of the condition for leaving hr out of it?) YES. Because if he doesn't commit to the marriage, you have more reason to expose to HR. And that I understand he may need to leave town or the state to find employment, and if he is willing to commit to me, that I will come with him because I value our marriage over having family and friends close by.
If he cannot commit to me, then he needs to move out now.
Do I have this right? YES
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Furthermore, purple, my now-formerly WH exposes his own infidelity to his co-workers, because he wants them to know why it is crucial for me to travel with him.
This is a big change in attitude from when he was still in the fog; when he promised he would get a transfer, that he had stopped his A. He lasted exactly one minute, once he was back in the same office with OW. One minute. And then the A was back full-on, and further underground.
Your WH is a long way from finished with his A.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Let him know that you will be exposing the affair to HR if he is not GONE in 30 days. Even if that means he has to just quit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
But joining in recovery doesn't necessarily mean long term commitment to me, right?
Thoughts about a transfer vs quitting? jk, please don't get lost in the weeds here. The goal is leaving the job. And committing to recovery is the goal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jk, you need to take control of this situation, because his affair is still active and he is going to keep you around as an option if you don't take back control.
Go to him and tell him you are giving him 30 days to leave that job or you will expose to HR. Let him know if he does not end his affair and commit to the marriage, that this will lead to a divorce. If he can't meet those conditions, he needs to move out.
He needs to commit to this:
1. leave his job within 30 days
2. end all contact with that slut NOW, sending her a no contact letter
3. commit to work on the marriage
If he won't do those things, he needs to make plans to move out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not???
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Ultimately, joining you in a recovery of the marriage means a marriage that is better, MUCH better, and safer than the pre-A marriage. You will both be so much more fulfilled in such a marriage. Listen, my H practically begged me to do (yet another) ceremony of marriage vows. Yuck. Last thing I wanted was a bunch of words. What I wanted was ACTION: Extraordinary precautions for life, mutual meeting of ENs, no love busters. What we have now is a deeply romantic, passionate, and safe marriage; it's so much more than it ever was. I don't think about him having a long-term commitment to me. He has promised to care for me in a way he had never before done and followed it up with actions. Do you see?
If your H can get a transfer to a completely different building, that might work, but Dr. Harley often STRONGLY recommends a couple move after an affair takes place with a person who also lives nearby. Running into the person is just too easy. Also, the place is going to be full of triggers for you both. So moving is a much better and safer solution, but a transfer to another precinct might work. He can't stay in the current workplace, though.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not??? Of course!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not???
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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If your H can get a transfer to a completely different building, that might work, but Dr. Harley often STRONGLY recommends a couple move after an affair takes place with a person who also lives nearby. Running into the person is just too easy. Also, the place is going to be full of triggers for you both. So moving is a much better and safer solution, but a transfer to another precinct might work. He can't stay in the current workplace, though. Moving is the IDEAL as longwayfromhome said. At the very least he can get moved to a different location for now. But it really must be far away. Moving 3 blocks away won't be a solution. You need to be an hour + away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not??? Of course!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not???
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So do I tell him I'm going to hr or not??? Of course! Got it
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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What happened with finding OW's family??
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Oh, and while he was crying, he said he doesn't want me to do anything to her. I said I'm not out for vengeance. I think he is terrified of you exposing to her family.
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Oh, and while he was crying, he said he doesn't want me to do anything to her. I said I'm not out for vengeance. I think he is terrified of you exposing to her family. I agree. I'm sorry but his crying is just a gaslighting technique to keep you from causing trouble in his affair. Have you read the gaslighting thread?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Oh, and while he was crying, he said he doesn't want me to do anything to her. I said I'm not out for vengeance. I think he is terrified of you exposing to her family. He is terrified that I will get her fired. He told me she values her career above everything else. (I could hear the pain in his voice when he said it. I take it that means she values it over him. Which must suck when you're about to walk away from your kids for her.). I told him I value our marriage and family above everything else.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Re: finding OWs family: I have exhausted my resources and myself. I can't afford a pi (literally do not have funds) I have my dad on it now. He is much more resourceful than I am.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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