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I really was very calm and reasonable and even the whole time, except that one comment.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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My dad is advising me not to get him fired because then if we divorce I won't get any alimony or child support. I am terrified.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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You did great! And I am very proud of you for recognizing that you can't reason with him. He is still very foggy and is very much still invested in his affair. He is moving out to have his affair without your interference. That is the plan for now.
So your job is to be a broken record and tell him he has to leave that job. He made a good point when he said he didn't see her in the building but out on the job. I would follow that up with: we have to move out of this town.
But I don't see him ending his affair anytime soon. He has no intention of stopping it. He will go along with a few things to keep you from interfering with his affair.
I would plan on getting separated from him and start thinking of ways you can do that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would plan on getting separated from him and start thinking of ways you can do that. What do you mean by this? I'm just exhausted. You'll have to spell it out for me.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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My dad is advising me not to get him fired because then if we divorce I won't get any alimony or child support. I am terrified. You will get divorced if he doesn't leave the job. So take your pick right now: the job or the marriage. If you choose the job, then just file for divorce right now because there is nothing we can do for you. And keep in mind, when you get divorced, you will be competing with the OW for his salary. It will no longer be just yourself and your children. I know your dad means well, but he has no experience saving marriages.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would plan on getting separated from him and start thinking of ways you can do that. What do you mean by this? I'm just exhausted. You'll have to spell it out for me. He is not going to end his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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IF you get divorced, you will be fighting with a fogged out wayward and his OW for every scrap you get. It will not be pretty. That is your future if you choose the job over your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You did great! And I am very proud of you for recognizing that you can't reason with him. He is still very foggy and is very much still invested in his affair. He is moving out to have his affair without your interference. That is the plan for now. Definitely invested. I see that. So your job is to be a broken record and tell him he has to leave that job. He made a good point when he said he didn't see her in the building but out on the job. I would follow that up with: we have to move out of this town. Another precinct would put him in a completely different area with different roads, etc. But still. It's hard because I know how much he loves this job. Really. I feel like I am hurting him back. I know he feels like I am and he thinks it's revenge.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Your ONLY chance of saving this marriage is blowing up the affair. You blow up the affair by exposing it at work and to the OW's family and friends.
Your husband can get another job. You won't be able to replace your husband and the father of your children so easily.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Another precinct would put him in a completely different area with different roads, etc. But still. It's hard because I know how much he loves this job. Really. I feel like I am hurting him back. I know he feels like I am and he thinks it's revenge. Please don't speak fog to us. If the falling down drunk feels it is "hurtful" and "vengeful" to take his booze away, do you give him his booze? It is thinking like this that will sink your marriage. I don't feel you are very committed to saving your marriage. I think you are in the habit of enabling his bad behavior. And that has to stop.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I feel like I am hurting him back. I know he feels like I am and he thinks it's revenge. Feelings are not truth, and it is time to man up and put your irrational feelings aside. You have a marriage to save.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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jkwpurple: I had eye surgery, so I just got back on. If you want me to help you find the OW's family I'll be happy to try. I need her name and phone #, city, State, where she works, or any other info you have. What is the best way to get me this info? Perhaps you can message me on this board? I'm not sure how to do it but I'd like to help if I can.
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If you and Purple notify the moderators, you can exchange email addresses.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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For your info, my husband begged me not to go to HR to get the OW fired. He threatened me, saying he would be forced to support her if it was our fault she got fired. I got scared and didn't report her. Well, that backfired on me! The OW got another job and he left me anyway. Bottom line: If I got her fired, she would never have gotten that better job and a good recommendation. If my husband supported her it would have looked badly for him in divorce court which would have given me a leg up.
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how do we contact the moderator? can purple just send me a private message on this board?
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how do we contact the moderator? can purple just send me a private message on this board? Click the "Notify" button at the bottom right of the post box.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Joined: Oct 2014
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[
Another precinct would put him in a completely different area with different roads, etc. But still. It's hard because I know how much he loves this job. Really. I feel like I am hurting him back. I know he feels like I am and he thinks it's revenge. Please don't speak fog to us. If the falling down drunk feels it is "hurtful" and "vengeful" to take his booze away, do you give him his booze? It is thinking like this that will sink your marriage. I don't feel you are very committed to saving your marriage. I think you are in the habit of enabling his bad behavior. And that has to stop. Ouch. But you're right. I'm all in. Balls strapped on. Just notified mods to share email with wenang.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 595
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Email address of WHs superior obtained. I told WH he would need to decide quickly, I should have put a time limit on it.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 595
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Can someone link the gaslighting thread?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Email address of WHs superior obtained. I told WH he would need to decide quickly, I should have put a time limit on it. I would give him until tomorrow and then start the exposure. You will want to expose formally to the Director of HR along with the supervisor of OW and your H. Have you read the posts on workplace exposure on the exposure thread?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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