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Update: I asked purple the age of the OW. She doesn't know. If she is around 27, I gave her the name and address of her parents. This is never 100% accurate when I don't have the info I need. Plus,she has a common name. But, I advised purple to contact the parents via mail and hopefully they are the correct people. The next thing I would advise is on Monday to contact her former boss to find out more info about her. I would call and say I'm an old friend looking to see what happened to her. I'd say, "is this the (name) who is around 27? is this the girl who lived at (blank)....just to get more info. What do you guys all think? Or...she can call the place she works now and ask those type of questions, just to make sure we have the right woman. If she is in law enforcement, her work place won't give you any information. Just an FYI
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yes, i did intelius. also a more comprehensive search but got very little. i went onto the courts online website for their county and found the name and address of possible parents. Now, the best way is to find a way for the people at old or new job to give up some info on the woman to verify.
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People who work in police know very well that by not setting boundaries can ruin your career. If you play with fire, you get burnt and they very well know this. We're talking about adults, not children. Don't you think these people deserve the fallout?
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If I called and asked for a police woman who is in her 20's and I think looks like blah blah blah, they may bite. you have to be a bit cheeky.
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Was the OW posted on Cheaterville?
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I don't know if purple posted it on cheaterville
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Was the OW posted on Cheaterville? I did post it.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I found some old phone numbers associated with that address on free phone tracer.
Is there anything specific I should say to OWs parents other than please persuade your daughter to leave my husband alone?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I think those numbers may be disconnected. you can try *67 to test the numbers
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One of the numbers for one of the possible relatives on free phone tracer was good, but the lady didn't know anyone by that name.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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The address wenang found is owned by OW, but is in the state where she used to live. Suggestions?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I strongly believe it's very possible the OW parents live in that home.
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He is not willing to work with me. I know this plan works with some WHs and not others. I know that when I look at the signatures on this forum I see a lot of divorces. I don't know how to keep this up.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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You see a lot of divorces because what the wayward spouses did is divorce-worthy. There are many spouses whose behavior does not improve. There are also a lot of alcoholics that give up their families instead of alcohol. It does not mean that the right thing to do is enable them to ruin your life with their alcoholism.
I followed some other advice at one point that basically told me to Plan A my husband indefinitely and make a bunch of changes and that almost destroyed me. As a woman I could not be lied to continually and I got to the point that I viciously hated him and felt powerless. Once I started to Plan B him and expose the affair, I felt me strength and power coming back. There is peace in my life. I would like to save my marriage, but what I absolutely need is my own sanity and sense of control and peace. I no longer hate him because I have separated myself from his bad behavior.
Even if I get divorced, I do not regret Plan B or exposure. They gave me an incredible amount of courage and confidence. My husband exploded our marriage, not me. I cannot make him act correctly and do what he is supposed to do. But what I can do is what I AM supposed to do. We are all called to do the right thing in this life and by following this program you are enforcing the boundaries of marriage and standing up for what is right.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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He is not willing to work with me. I know this plan works with some WHs and not others. I know that when I look at the signatures on this forum I see a lot of divorces. I don't know how to keep this up. Saving a marriage takes BOTH spouses with both feet in. Recovery is a lot of work and lots of waywards don't want to do it. There's a couple of years, though, before Dr. Harley would recommend you seek a divorce. If your H will not cooperate with you to create a safe and better marriage, you would go into a dark Plan B very soon. Two years after your Plan A and B, you would then divorce. Don't give up yet. Every marriage is a little different, so although you will see divorces here, that was the best case scenario and a success for that spouse. There are also plenty who are not divorced. Just follow the plan and then wait for the affair to die a natural death. That's how most of the affairs end.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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He is not willing to work with me. I know this plan works with some WHs and not others. I know that when I look at the signatures on this forum I see a lot of divorces. I don't know how to keep this up. The plan works with ALL way wards, however, it cannot force anyone to fix a marriage against their will. It can't force your spouse into the marriage. Since he is not willing to work this out, I would expose the affair at work, expose to her parents and get separated. He has already said he would move out, so I would encourage him to do that and then go into a dark Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dark plan b feels very dark indeed. He's sitting on our bed right now, reading books to our 4 year old. This is so hard.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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How do you deal with kids' events (an upcoming concert, for example, or a birthday) during plan b?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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How do you deal with kids' events (an upcoming concert, for example, or a birthday) during plan b? You will want to find creative ways to avoid ever seeing him. Birthdays, for example, won't be a problem because he won't be invited. It will be just like a divorce. Divorced parents don't hold birthday parties together, they do them separately. Have you spoken to your husband about moving out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.
Edited by stilllovemyman (01/27/08 03:18 PM)
Dr. Harley
Administrator
Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed [Re: stilllovemyman]
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM
stilllovemyman: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.
About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.
Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.
Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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