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Originally Posted by wanthealing
Mr. Wondering, I appreciate you addressing the mental illness aspect. Thanks.

So, I told my friend I had to walk away from the friendship until she makes changes. Apparently it motivated her to want to expose everything to her BS, which she needs guidance on. The mere numbers of men is uncountable, so she didn't know how yo proceed with exposure. Should she give details? Should she give numbers (even she can't count them though). How should this conversation go? And then what? Medication and then what?

I think she is dragging you along.
She is suddenly willing to expose all of her affairs just because you said you won't be her friend anymore?

I hope she is serious.

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Originally Posted by wanthealing
Mr. Wondering, I appreciate you addressing the mental illness aspect. Thanks.

So, I told my friend I had to walk away from the friendship until she makes changes. Apparently it motivated her to want to expose everything to her BS, which she needs guidance on.

Did it motivate her to CHANGE though?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Well, exposure apparently happened and her BH now realizes just how severe it was. They set boundaries for her together and it seems they have a rough plan of action, plus meds, to get her on track. I'm proud of her for taking the most difficult step of exposure, which should perpetuate a new lifestyle (I hope). I'm passing your list, MelodyLane, to her so that they can follow it.

I told her not to do this for our friendship but for her marriage, but she admitted she needed the extra motivation to finally reveal all. And to boot, she even accepted responsibility for the choices without blaming bipolar. Knowing her as I do, that was huge for her.

We'll see how it goes from here. I live hrs away, so I'm going on what she tells me via text and phone calls, but my BH will be checking in with hers this week.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Very proud of you, want healing! What you did was a true act of friendship. You told your friend you would not by while she harmed others and herself. See how that motivated her to change? You woke her up!

Also, have you spoken to her husband to make sure she told him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wow, now that's what I call friendship.

A lot is dependent on the couple now but you've done as much as a friend can.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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wanthealing,

Glad you stepped up, I can't tell you how often I've seen bystanders turn a blind eye, while the betrayed spouse suffered in a damaged marriage.

Suggest to the BH that his WW take a polygraph, DNA testing if they have children, STD testing, and write out a journal of her activities as Melody also suggested.

God Bless
Gamma

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I'm so glad she actually woke up. And I'm glad our friendship didn't have to suffer. She actually thanked me for threatening the relationship. Apparently I was the only friend who thought exposure was a good idea! Makes you wonder what other marriages are like...

So my BH confirmed with her BH everything she told him, and her BH is ready to really establish boundaries and follow Dr. H. My BH sent him the MB link and will order him the book too. Luckily he understands how bad her condition is now. I appreciate the advice. I just hope the mental illness aspect of it doesn't cause her to backside down the road. She keeps trying different meds but ends up at one extreme or the other--a lifeless zombie or manic and compulsive. There's no in-between.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Kids were already DNA tested at birth behind her husband's back years ago. The polygraph wasn't really necessary because she told him more than he could handle anyways. The numbers were too many to count, so she plans to leave her work and try to work with BH since they both agree there is no safe place other than in his sight at all times. I'll mention the std test to her.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Originally Posted by wanthealing
I'm so glad she actually woke up. And I'm glad our friendship didn't have to suffer. She actually thanked me for threatening the relationship. Apparently I was the only friend who thought exposure was a good idea! Makes you wonder what other marriages are like...

So my BH confirmed with her BH everything she told him, and her BH is ready to really establish boundaries and follow Dr. H. My BH sent him the MB link and will order him the book too. Luckily he understands how bad her condition is now. I appreciate the advice. I just hope the mental illness aspect of it doesn't cause her to backside down the road. She keeps trying different meds but ends up at one extreme or the other--a lifeless zombie or manic and compulsive. There's no in-between.
Is she getting her meds from a psychiatrist or her MD?

Does her BH go with her to her appointments?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Psychiatrist. Should her BH be going with her?


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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wanthealing,

What is her BH going to do when the numbness wears off?

Are any of these OM going to be exposed? None of these affairs turned romantic?

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by wanthealing
Psychiatrist. Should her BH be going with her?

It's probably a good idea to have her husband go with her. Some doctors won't allow it, but others may value his objective input.


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Originally Posted by wanthealing
Psychiatrist. Should her BH be going with her?

Ideally, yes.
When Dr. Harley operated mental health clinics (he had the largest chain in Minnesota) he approached therapy with the spouse always in the loop.
The focus should always be on improving the marital relationship.

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Your friends would need to carefuly follow the program in Surviving an Affair and they will also likely need to move.

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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Originally Posted by wanthealing
Psychiatrist. Should her BH be going with her?

It's probably a good idea to have her husband go with her. Some doctors won't allow it, but others may value his objective input.
Yes he should. He needs to be very involved with her treatment. He needs to be educated on her illness. So he knows when she tries to use it as an excuse.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good points about BH joining in her therapy. I'll suggest it.

I would agree that they should move, though I highly doubt they will. Considering there were so many OMs, and a handful of them were romantic, I can't see how staying where they are will be safe. But relocating when they both have good jobs, in their dream home, and are in a good school district...I don't see them willingly leaving that all. Is there any way they can avoid that step but still protect their marriage to the fullest?


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Originally Posted by wanthealing
Good points about BH joining in her therapy. I'll suggest it.

I would agree that they should move, though I highly doubt they will. Considering there were so many OMs, and a handful of them were romantic, I can't see how staying where they are will be safe. But relocating when they both have good jobs, in their dream home, and are in a good school district...I don't see them willingly leaving that all. Is there any way they can avoid that step but still protect their marriage to the fullest?

No. They would need to move if there was any possibility of them seeing a former affair partner.
They will both be constantly triggered.

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