Something I've discovered on here is that the more a person sins in secret the more mould grows on their character. Yet exposure can be like bleach and sunlight. Its hard to turn to darkness with everyone watching. He's even convinced his wife not to call rape rape but 'giving in'. No one is addressing this.

If there is any hope for him it has to be done now before his violence grows and grows.

At one time he would not have raped, only pressured (which is bad enough). Now he is extremely violent when not appeased. Not addressing it is making it worse. Its better to leave than to encourage his fall.

Its not hard to imagine these children left with nothing because Dad has murdered mum.

Or simply his being a rotten dad because he believes in rape.

It is important to realize that rape is not a normal male response to sexual frustration. It is a violent crime on a par with murder. A person who is capable of rape is dangerous. That is why separation is necessary. Trying to appease a rapist is like trying to appease a homicidal maniac. You need to get away from such people for your own safety.

Q I know others addressed it, but I have to give my 2 cents. This is the most ignorant thing I've seen on this forum by a landslide. Rape is not about sex or being overly aroused. It is about power and control, period. I hope you learn how wrong you are, and I hope nobody who reads your words takes an inkling of knowledge from them. Seriously, do some research because you have some very dangerous views on this subject.

WNM, I listened to your segment and this is the first time I've disagreed with a recommendation of the Harleys. I agree with their first and second recommendations for you:

1. Separate. You have to believe in yourself. You and your kids can survive. If you're worried about money or housings, there are programs for you. Hopefully you have loved ones that would welcome you. **EDIT**

2. Expose this to others. Pastor of church, loved ones.


**EDIT**
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

You think you are only being abused with rape. You've convinced yourself that it is only a sliver of your marriage, as horrible as it is. I have news for you: it is much deeper than that (as it always is when it gets to rape). Just from what you've admitted in this thread, even when he is not violently raping you, he is abusing you with at least 7 of the 8 "spokes" of the Wheel:

- Intimidation
- Coersion (have sex or else)
- Male privilege (it's your "duty" as his wife. I am a Christian and I agree that spouses are ideally obligated to satisfy each other sexually. But he should have lovingly helped you work through your aversion, not raped you. And it is not fixable via that route now.)

- Financial. You work on a farm. "If I leave I have no income". He is controlling you with this (you admit in this thread that it's a reason you can't leave). It is a lie, though, you just need to realize it for yourself. You don't need the farm of its income to survive. You are stronger and smarter than many victims for finding this board. You have great potential within yourself. You can and would survive outside of your farm.

- Children. They would stay with you and they are VERY resilient. You think you are protecting them by keeping them in a house with a rapist? You want your children raised by a rapist? They can be in the same house with their dad again someday. There is help for him if he's willing. He won't be until you leave or he goes to jail. Even then there is a good chance he won't take responsibility

- Minimizing, denying, blaming. You are convinced the rapes are because of lack of sex. I'm assuming he has told you this at some point. He is wrong and a liar. He is also completely disregarding your pain. He has to be aware of it unless he has a mental illness. He simply chooses to ignore your pain. If he truly cared about your feelings AND he raped you, he would have been so overcome with guilt that he would have cried for days. Instead, he shows no remorse. Therefore, he is a sociopath, by definition.

- Isolation. You are isolated on a farm. Are you allowed to come and go as you please? I'm thankful you have Internet access. And I would be VERY careful about your internet history. If he finds that you've been on websites like this having these conversations, he will either hurt you, enforce more control on you, or both. He will not turn a blind eye to this. Google "clear internet history", learn how to do it, and begin clearing your history after every time you access websites like this.


The only one you haven't admitted to is emotional abuse. Obviously rape abuses you emotionally, but that "spoke" is more verbal/nonverbal abusive communication. Are you sure he never does that? He doesn't suggest you are stupid, embarrassing, unattractive?

**EDIT**

A warning that the purpose of this forum is to help posters understand and implement Dr. Harley's views. It is not a platform for personal philosophies and agendas. If you can help this poster in this regard, please feel free to post. If not, then refrain from posting.

As a guest on this forum, we expect posters to show some respect for the forum host. Anything less is not going to be tolerated.

Are you going to take Dr. Harley's advice?

Sorry I have not been on the forum to respond recently. I asked him to read the article and he said he only reads when he poops. Then I asked him if he's read the book and he again said no. He was angry I talked to someone without him getting to tell "his side" even though I have done so anonymously. We had an argument today and I told him I didn't want him coming home and to stay at his parents. He convinced me this would make us both look bad to his family so he is home sleeping on the couch. We were texting and he admitted to having sex when I didn't want to. I texted back that it was rape and reminded him of the violence that he used and he never responded. I texted it so there would be a trail (which sounds paranoid but I don't want it being his word against mine someday). He is acting like nothing is wrong. I guess it is hopeless.

He did say he wanted to talk to dr Harley too but I don't think it is to save the marriage. I think he just wants to make himself look better because I finally told someone what he's doing.
This is a random thought but after one of the times he had raped me I just remember going into the bathroom to cry and thinking to myself if my dad knew what was happening to me he would kill my husband. And that I could never let my dad know because it would break his heart.

WNM, you need to let your dad know. People need to be held accountable.

I know for a fact if I were ever unfaithful to my wife, she'd let her dad know. And he's our next door neighbor and I suppose he might shoot me, although he's an elder in our church so maybe he wouldn't do that. Anyway, lots of ways there for him to hold me accountable, even if he doesn't get the gun. She'd also let my dad know, and he doesn't own guns, but might buy one for such an occasion.

That would go for if I were violent or raped her, as well.

Honestly, there are a lot of great things to be said for a marriage where I KNOW my wife would hold me accountable and would NOT keep secret anything shameful or hurtful that I did to her.

I had the exact same problem with exposure. I thought my dad was going to kill him.

My husband had been having an affair with my best friend, who was grieving her husband's death and he was stealing our money. My dad's what you call handy with his fists, has the temper of a volcano and will consider anything less than a hiding to be 'soft'.

But of course he didn't. He was too worried about me. He wanted to know what I wanted from him. I told him no when he offered violence!

At the end of the day, if he does give him a belting: he will survive it, will have deserved it and it isn't even close to the violence you received.

It will be nothing to do with you if that happens. Your husband knows what happens if he rapes a man's daughter and your father is a grown up who will choose his own reaction and course of action. Trust him to do so.

My husband did break my father's heart. He did - not me. The only way I could have done that is by lying to him or not trusting him with the truth.

A protective father is a wonderful gift in these sad times. Don't lie to and sideline yours.

What a great way of telling you he doesn't conside rape to be much of a biggie. To tell you your assault doesn't matter.

All this 'I'll sleep on the couch' and 'my side' is his way of belittling rape into a disagreement.

Make this a big deal. Make him move out. Make him see what he has done. Make him decide whether he is all in or all out.

Use your father's glowering reaction. Use people's heartbreak to get this done.

He needs to see the destructiveness of what he is doing.

You were advised to separate.
But you keep refusing to follow the advice

No, this would not make YOU look bad. It would make HIM look bad, so he is going to say anything to try to convince you to protect him.

He is manipulating you.

Are you going to expose him?
Are you going to kick him out?

Keep in mind that this is not only to protect you, but to help him. He cannot get help until his deeds are exposed. Exposing him and kicking him out will FORCE him to get help if he wants to keep you.

Wife and Mother,

The really great thing about Dr Harley's principles and information is he helps simplify our problems and use specific words to advocate for our marriages and respectfully help the individuals within the interdependent relationship.

His comment that his leaving would look bad is a huge red flag that he is mostly worried about managing his own image to others. These rapes are being minimized to you so you will continue in his status quo.

You cannot discuss and negotiate with him. He needs to leave and you need to report him. Contact a shelter. Have a plan in place to leave with the children.