You and I are not the same generation. I am closer to your daughter's age.

You say that because you are hoping against hope that it is true, even though you can see for yourself that it is not. You say that because you are desperately trying to give yourself an excuse to not do what you know has to be done.

You're going to ruin that girl.

Plan A hasn't worked - you MUST move on to Plan B. I don't mean Marriage Builders Plan B - I mean "plan let her stay at home" hasn't worked: she's as selfish as all get out. You must move onto a different plan if you want anything to change.

This is a silly cliche, but it's also true: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

More and more people are abandoning a culture that works for a culture that doesn't.

She will do it again, even though you don't like it.

And you will tell her again, even though telling her doesn't make her stop.

She will then do it again.

And you will tell her again.

All she'll ever get out of that is bad memories of her mother lecturing her.

And nothing will change, because you won't change anything.

OR

You can change the thing that everybody knows needs to be changed here!!!!

How much money is she saving each month?

When does she expect to be able to afford her own place? What is her plan?

I wouldn't see not paying rent as such a bad thing if there's an actual plan and some saving going on, but my suspicion is there's nothing like that going on - my guess is that all of her money gets spent immediately on her own immediate gratification. She'll never learn to have a long-horizon time preference as long as you facilitate her living that way.

Install the app and you can listen from your phone or your car.

This is too good a resource to pass up. If one method of listening doesn't work for you, find another.

Nothing is ever going to change or get better as long as its all excuses.

That is the number one reason why she needs to be out of your house. It is having a terrible effect on YOU.

Having to live on her own will go a long way toward helping her with her selfishness. And, even if it doesn't, you won't have to be faced with it on a regular basis.

Most children are inherently selfish, some more than others. By staying home, she can continue to act and think like a selfish child.

You are not being kind to her by letting her stay home rent free. She will not grow up as long as she lives with you.

Dr. Harley encourages people not to let their Giver or their Taker have free reign.

The Giver is a source of ideas that benefit other people but do not necessarily benefit you, and may hurt you terribly.

The Taker is a source of ideas that benefit you but do not necessarily benefit others, and may hurt them terribly.

You are not your Giver or your Taker. You are your "ego," your rationality. Dr. Harley encourages people to let their ego filter out the ideas suggested by the Giver and the Taker - eliminate the ideas that are not beneficial to you, and eliminate the ideas that are not beneficial to others. You will be left with plenty of ideas, and if you select from only those, you will end up much happier in life.

Right now you are not filtering your Giver's ideas. Your Giver is suggesting that you let this daughter stay home no matter how it makes you feel, but it's making you feel terrible.

Eventually if the Giver is allowed free reign, the Taker usually wakes up and demands to be allowed to control for awhile. People who have strong Givers usually have strong Takers as well. Dr. Harley recommends you have a strong "ego" instead, that is firmly in control and does not yield control to either Giver or Taker, but uses both of them as a source of possible ideas.

You and both of your daughters sound like you are strong Giver and Taker people, with weak control from the ego. That's usually a recipe for unhappiness, in the long term.

SC, are you still married? What does your husband think about the living arrangements with your adult children (and their bfs)?

It sounds like your DD living with you is a source of contention, and I am wondering if it is also a source of contention in your own marriage?

Well currently in the 7 months her and the BF have been at my house they have saved $2,500 most of which the BF is going to take to get a car and a place to live (you have to pay deposit, first and last month's rent so he will need a total of 3 month's worth of rent and a down payment for a vehicle) and her long term goal up until last week was to get married and buy a house with her long term BF and they hoped to be out of my house in 1 year so that would have been 5 more months.

I am not exactly positive what her long term goal is now that she is not with her BF and we have not discussed it as of yet since all of this just occured.

Yes I am still married and have been married to the same man for 29 years, and he does not mind our children being there either, he and the DD we discuss but heads because they are exactly the same, my H is selfish too however not nearly as bad as my DD.

In the three years she did not live with me it caused me great anxiety and pain as well, I do not like that my DD is that way PERIOD no matter where she is living.

Yes I am a giver to the nth degree but it makes me feel happy to give I am not much of a taker at all but because I am such a giver I am usually rewarded in many ways.

She didn't live at home for three years and struggled to pay her bills and have groceries and find ways to work like all of the rest of us yet she is still selfish and was selfish then too

Can't do that either, we are not allowed head phones or to have anything playing out loud. The only time I can listen is before and after work and in my car but I would not have beeen able to listen to the show the poster was talking about because I would be at work.

I just do not think it matters towards her selfishness, she has not lived at home before and it did not change her selfishness and when she is at my house there are certain things "I" won't let her be selfish about.

And my H also wants the BF to stay until he can get a vehicle and stuff because of the way my DD handle all of this. He is upset with me for making him leave

Well this is 14 pages of watching a merry go round. I can't even remember what the original question was.

My prediction is that now that new guy is not interested in DD she will reunite with old bf, and all will go back to 'normal.'

As I said before, I hope a little bit of what has been said regarding you enabling destructive behavior, like living together before marriage, is planted as a seed in your head moving forward. It is not your job after all to live your daughters life, it is your job to advise to her and role model the behavior that YOU feel is appropriate. Such as, 'I don't agree with living together before marriage, you can do that since you are a full grown adult woman, but I don't agree and you are not going to do it in my house.'

You totally missed the point of what I was saying. I hope you'll read it again, because it is very important.

People are not Givers or Takers.

Being a strong Giver is not a good recipe.