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Let me see if I have gotten all of this straight:
You permitted your daughter with a long term live-in boyfriend to move into your home. Your daughter has since broken off with this BF and is starting a relationship with someone else. You considered her effectively married and thus justified your own action of allowing them to live under your roof. The fact that she is moving on to another guy is causing you to experience dissonance. It feels like an affair to you.
There are a couple of really obvious observations:
You do not understand your daughter. You assumed things about her that were most likely never true. She was never as committed to this guy as you thought. While her past fornication is wrong and you encouraged that by your actions, she is not presently doing anything wrong by moving on to another guy.
You need to address the real facts. Your attempts to spin things is making everybody dizzy, including yourself. Accept that you made a mistake and try to learn from your error. And, stop projecting yourself and your motivations onto your children. It isn't serving you well to do that. Mostly true only she is not starting a relationship with this other guy because he is not interested in her that way. I have not said ANYTHING to my daughter about this I told her I want her to be happy, it just is causing me grief and obviously because I made a mistake it is causing me even more grief because I am mad at myself and have been mad at myself the whole time
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I will also say that I obviously do not know my DD as well as I thought I did too but they both told me all along they were going to get married so I did ASSUME (which you know what happens when you do that) that they were true.
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Ever read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
If not, read it.
If so, read it again.
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Man I have so much stuff going on at work and then this has made me feel so sad and like such a horrible mother that last week I started having panic attacks and had to go get medicine from my doctor.
So I have aready felt like a horrible mother and all of you pounding into my head that I am indeed a horrible mother and then last night my DS came to visit and told me that the BF and him had plans to go get an engagement ring for the BF to propose and so this morning I feel even worse.
I hope I can just let it go soon........
And I hope she doesn't keep making the same mistakes and come to regret this decision. Calling your daughter wayward when she is not IS pretty bad. The solution is not to feel sorry for yourself, or to try to make us feel sorry for you. The solution is to stop.
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I am feeling sorry for myself I am not trying to make anyone else feel sorry for me. I got myself into this predicament not anyone else, but I still feel horrible and it causes me anxiety just saying it doesn't make it stop. I am sure eventually I will get over it but right now I am upset.
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Calling your daughter wayward when she is not IS pretty bad.
The solution is not to feel sorry for yourself, or to try to make us feel sorry for you. The solution is to stop. I never called her that to her face I just have those feelings even if they are wrong and I am upset with her about it, I have not shown her that in any way except I am not having as long of conversations with her because it bothers me what she done. I also worry that she will keep making the same mistakes over and over if she really had no intention this time around (even if it is my fault) and I do not want that for her, I do want her to be happy but I am afraid her selfishness will not allow for that to happen. I think everyone wants good things for their kids I just did not go about it the correct way on this one.
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I also worry that she will keep making the same mistakes over and over if she really had no intention this time around (even if it is my fault) and I do not want that for her, I do want her to be happy but I am afraid her selfishness will not allow for that to happen. She is not making a mistake by not marrying this guy. She is not in love and not ready for marriage. She lived with someone and *told* you she was serious so you would go along with it. She understands you better than you understand her. Expect further manipulation. It works for her.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Yes she did sucker me for sure.
I just think that regardless she will live with someone again so that is what I mean by making the same mistakes over and over.
And I am mourning their relationship as I do so love the now ex-BF.
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I never called her that to her face Doesn't matter. It's still pretty bad. And the solution is the same: Stop.
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just saying it doesn't make it stop. You can take actions to make it stop, though. You can stop dwelling. You do not need to dwell on any thought that comes to your mind. Move on. Think about something else. Stop telling yourself that you feel she is wayward. You know it's wrong. Stop thinking about it. Find something else to do and think about.
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Ever read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
If not, read it.
If so, read it again. Please answer this.
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Have you managed to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, yet? Have you recommended the show to your daughter?
Last edited by markos; 10/29/14 11:04 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ever read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
If not, read it.
If so, read it again. Please answer this. I have not
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Ever read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
If not, read it.
If so, read it again. Please answer this. I have not Will you?
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Have you managed to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, yet? Have you recommended the show to your daughter? I downloaded the app yesterday and listened on my way home from work. And thank you again for letting me know about that. My DD is only interested in finding reasons to spend time with her OS friend so she was not interested in talking last night and was gone most of the evening.
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And some of the guys she dated before the ex BF were real winners too. And I just think because of her selfish ways she will want to live together first to make sure that is what she "wants".
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Ever read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders?
If not, read it.
If so, read it again. Please answer this. I have not Will you? I will look for it this weekend, we are going away for the weekend and I should have plenty of relaxation time to read it.
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just saying it doesn't make it stop. You can take actions to make it stop, though. You can stop dwelling. You do not need to dwell on any thought that comes to your mind. Move on. Think about something else. Stop telling yourself that you feel she is wayward. You know it's wrong. Stop thinking about it. Find something else to do and think about. I know you are right and I have been trying but right now that is the only thing on my mind (besides the job issues) and even if I didn't think she is wayward I am still mourning the loss of their relationship for myself too. He was not my BF or anything but 5 years of seeing a person practically every day (because I went to visit them all the time) I will miss him and THEM and I know it is for the best and I am trying to remind myself of that every time I think about it
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Have you managed to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, yet? Have you recommended the show to your daughter? I downloaded the app yesterday and listened on my way home from work. And thank you again for letting me know about that. Great!! I'm glad to hear that! And I hope you listen again today, and tomorrow, and the next day.  My DD is only interested in finding reasons to spend time with her OS friend so she was not interested in talking last night and was gone most of the evening. You might mention it to her in a note or email or text that she can read (or not read) at her leisure. That might make it non-threatening. You wouldn't even need a response; just a chance to pass along the information that it is there, and then she decides what to do with it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I will look for it this weekend, we are going away for the weekend and I should have plenty of relaxation time to read it. You can get the ebook edition from Amazon to read on a PC, tablet, or phone, if that makes it easier for you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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