I wish it were that simple.

My DH and I have used POJA pretty much from the beginning of our relationship and both of my other kids seemed to have gotten it and also use it in their relationships but this one did not get it and thinks everything should be her way not just relationship stuff.

Care to give us a recent example? Sometimes an illustration can get to the bottom of an issue more easily.

The time for teaching her this is over. This is a lesson you could have taught her as a child, but either didn't or the lesson didn't sink in. Now she is an adult, and must be dealt with as an adult. You cannot educate or train her at this point. The only thing you can do is not enable her.

I agree that enabling is poison but disagree about the ability to teach by example an adult child. I have seen my adult (23, 27, 28) children benefit from seeing me in a happy marriage to a wonderful man. I had a dysfunctional relationship with their father and they now see a healthy dynamic at close quarters for the first time.

My middle child, especially, had lots of trust issues and was therefore incredibly gun shy about relationships. We have talked about this a lot. I don't think it is possible to under estimate the influence of a parent, especially the same sex parent. All the books and words in the world are less powerful than seeing one successful POJA.

Is there a reason you have to be part of "splitting up" their stuff? Why can't they be responsible for completing it?

Where did I say you can't teach by example?? You can "teach by example" ANY adult, not just your own children.

You cannot, however, educate or train your adult child. The time for training is when they are young. An adult child must be treated like an adult, and you must use respect and persuasion if you are to get anywhere with them.

And giving a book is trying to train and educate, not "teaching by example."

Yes, and after that clarification I can see that we are totally in agreement :-)

I have not been involved it is just the fact that the two of them are involved in it and have not been around therefore there has not been any discussion with our DD.

We do not really know what her plans are now so we need to have that discussion with her before we can discuss anything between us.

If she tells us she already has a plan to be out in a certain amount of time then we are good to go and will not have to have a discussion. If she tells us she doesn't really have a plan then all of us need to have a discussion together (me, DD, and DH).

I have said over and over the lesson did not sink in with this child; however I totally disagree about teaching an adult child anything. Until her death I asked my mother stuff all the time and she taught me, my adult kids still ask me stuff all the time and I answer them so I am teaching them.

Right now my DD is upset with me because she knows that I do not like that they broke up and she knows that I know she likes the other guy so right now she will not talk to me at all because she thinks anything I say to her is because I am upset that she broke up with the exBF. She knows me and I know her.

Once the exBF is out for a little while and things settle down I am positive that she will ask my opinion again and I can influence her as an adult (and as someone else pointed out also as her mother, she listens to me more than anyone), I just don�t know where to send her that she can relate to and it will influence her.

I do know because we have discussed it many times since my DHs A that she does not like some of the things on MB (such as OS friends) so I know that if I sent her here she would rebel against it (that is what she is a rebel) and it would do no good so I need to find something that she can relate to or else nothing will stick because she is too stubborn and is ALWAYS right just ask her.....

Do you see the difference here?
An adult child ASKING for help is different than a parent taking it upon herself to train her adult child.

There's a very big difference. Most adults buckle at unsolicited advice, especially if it comes from a parent.

Has your daughter asked for your advice on her selfishness? If no, then your time for training her on that has passed.

You will never get through to her with such disrespect.

x2

Certainly not on her selfishness because she does not think she is selfish, but she has asked for my advice on many, many, things and I am sure she will again when it comes to relationships and i would like to have something to tell her that she can relate to that she will see to help her.

I have gotten through to her on many other things, you just have to let this one stir on things for a little while and then let her think they were her ideas and then we are fine, that is why I want something that she can relate to.

Then your time to train her on selfishness is over.

If you want to help her on relationships, and she asks you for help, then give her Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

I have dealt with this DD for 24 years now and she has been difficult practically her whole life, she took ALL the rebel genes from both me and my DH I suppose. I have not had any trouble out of the other two.

More disrespect.

You will never really get through to her if you disrespect her. It won't work. People do not respond to disrespect.

What exactly is she rebelling against? You? You are no longer an authority over her.

Calling her a rebel because she does not see things the way you do is disrespectful. Why should she listen to you?

So far from what I have read in this book she will not relate because she cannot look into herself without someone shoving it in her face.