It is Dr. Harley's opinion. He is the one that taught me that you cannot motivate people with disrespect.

Probably not, I know how to deal with my DD, you would probably not even speak to my DD, a lot of people would not because she speaks her mind too much.

While she is in my house I do not allow her to disrespect me or her father by her little tantrums and the way she talks to her friends and her exBF.

If it were me I would not be her friend, but I am her mother and I love her unconditionally.

He has never dealt with my DD then.....

You guys seem to think I do not have her point of view in mind but I do, you do not know my DD. I know her point of view on breaking up with the BF, she told me she has feelings for the other guy (which I knew all along anyway) and did not think it was fair to the exBF to stay with him.

She also has been doing things that she has never done before because it is things that the other guy likes. I told her she should not change herself for anyone, if he did not like her for who she is then that was his loss.

Is that disrespectful in any way? She talks to me all the time, she just knows I do not like that her and the exBF did not get married because she knows i did not like them living together.

SC, if she is asking you for advice or even just chatting to you, then this is bad advice to be giving - that is, if you believe that MB offers the means to have successful romantic relationships, which I thought you did, since you are here.

We SHOULD change ourselves to please someone that we want to attract. We should learn not to commit love busters, and to get rid of annoying habits. We should learn to meet their emotional needs - and this is not magic, it is mathematics.

Whether it is training ourselves not to shout, not to swear, to pick up after ourselves, to clean the house effectively, to cook, to ride a horse, to please our spouse sexually...the list is endless...we need to learn pleasing ways of behaving if we want people to want to be with us. We should not do things that we don't enjoy doing, but we can try things at our partner's (I'm including boyfriends here) suggestion, and we can learn to do things that take effort. In His Needs Her Needs, Dr Harley specifically recommends learning about our spouse's interests or academic skill, so that we can take an interest in it and have conversations about it, even if we don't have any interest in it right now. We don't have to keep it up if we don't like it, and we shouldn't pretend to like something that we really don't like - but we can try new things.

Marriage Builders is absolutely NOT about being yourself and refusing to change for anyone - not if you want to be loved.

You've spent a whole thread arguing for days against the basic concepts, and I wonder if you know them, or indeed are even interested in them.

Sugarcane I understand what you are saying and yes we should change our basic concepts but not who we are.

When I mean she is changing for him it is things like she has never in her life watched soccer and her exBF liked soccer but she did not watch it with him, she told him she did not like it and to please turn the channel, she watched one game of soccer with the other guy now every Saturday morning since she watched that game she has watched it again and texted him about it, yet this is something she did not like oh say a month ago.

She used to never wear make-up, he says he likes make-up so she is wearing it all the time now.

If she were changing her habits I would not say a WORD to her and just be thankful and jumping for joy, but it is not her habits that she is changing.

x100

This is the longest thread I have ever seen where the poster has not taken ONE piece of advice and implemented it. I think you have argued against every piece of advice.

If you knew anything about Prisca, you know that Markos and her have transformed their own lives with respect to committing disrespectful behavior. I personally specifically asked Prisca to comment on my own thread, because I value her as an expert in this area! Yet you are brushing her off like her advice is meaningless.

You ARE being very disrespectful to your DD. If this is what 'works for her' because you know her so well and for some reason she is different than every other person, then why on earth do you have any issues with her and why are you here asking for help?

That right there would be me. I hated make up a year ago, no soccer for me either. Now, I actually enjoy wearing make up and I started to watch news about soccer.

Because the only advice I have received is to throw her out and I am not willing to do that period..........

Everyone just keeps telling me not to enable her, but I will not throw my daughter out, I just will not, even if I think it is the best thing, my mother would never have done that to me and I will never do it to her.

I honestly don't understand the difference, and neither do I understand what is wrong with any of this:

There is nothing wrong with watching football because your boyfriend likes it, and talking to him about it. What would be wrong would be lying about liking it just to make him happy, when you don't like it at all.

But this isn't your problem. This is her relationship to sort out. You don't like this man and that's okay; if she weren't living with you you would not know the micro-details of whether she texted her boyfriend about football.

You are trying to manage her life, when in fact you shouldn't have this much involvement in her life.

Would you have not done it for a previous BF and then now done it for a new guy that does not even like you in a romantic way?

Her previous BF liked it and she did not watch it with him and this new guy does not even have romantic feelings for her that is why she is doing it to make him have romantic feelings for her.

IMO there is a difference, if he was interested in her too then ok go for it, but to change yourself to make someone interested in you is not a good idea.

For goodness sake, SC - butt out! This is none of your business!

Wearing make-up and watching and talking about football are not things that should upset you. She is not going on the game. She is not torturing small children and animals. She is trying to attract a man. Unless he tortures small children and animals, leave her alone!

That is NOT the only advice you have received. You have received advice to quite enabling her, which you are doing in several ways. You have also been advised to stop being disrespectful to her, showing several examples in your posts here where you are doing so. You have been given alternative means to communicate with her. These just off the top of my head, I'm sure if you picked through the 30+ pages there would be a LOT more advice.

And I probably would know the micro-details, I am telling you I am very close to my children, I knew most of the micro-details between her and the exBF before they started living at my house because they both talked to me about them.

She likes him more than she liked the other one. There's nothing wrong with that.

Leave her to live her own life! You are altogether far too invested in who she goes out with.

THIS. Is one of the problems. You are way too involved here SC.

I am not upset with her about that and I am butting out of her and the new guy. She asked my advice and I told her what I thought.

I am upset with her because she is just a selfish person who does not care who she hurts to get what she wants and this relationship with this new guy is just an example of that. And I do not like it and would like to give her advice to be able to look inside herself to see what she can change for the good, not just watching soccer and wearing make-up.

I do not consider this a problem, I love being involved in my kids lives......