I also had the DJ of saying that she liked this other guy when she was claiming she didn't but now she tells me she did which I knew all along

I think it is different when you are dealing with your kids because I am far more invested in my children

And I guess I don't understand enabling because the only enabling I think I am doing is allowing her to live here. What other ways am I enabling her?

My DH loves sports and would watch any sport on TV while I did start finding some interest in sports to be able to discuss things he enjoys.

I however hate basketball, I hated basketball 30 years ago and I hate it today so that is one sport I will NEVER watch with him.

I also am a smoker and my DH is not, I told him the day I met him that I was a smoker and if he did not want to date a smoker then do not date me.

So I did not change myself to make him like me, if someone likes you they like you no matter what especially in the beginning. That is why I told her bit too change herself to make someone like her.

Still Crazy, you need to think of this in a more fine grained way. It is not just about allowing your adult children to live with you. It is about making them face the consequences of their own actions. I always think concrete examples are the easiest to understand

Your DD gets a tattoo. You know that this will prevent her from ever getting a good job but she does not (yet). At some point she comes to you in tears about the number of failed interviews she has had. If she asks for your advice, you might tell her that you understand that employers often have an unwritten policy about tattoos because customers can be upset by them. Notice how you have kept yourself and your opinion on tattoos out of this conversation and that you have not offered up a solution for her. Let her find this out. If she asks you outright for help in getting rid of the tattoo, obviously you will see what you can do but offer her information not money.

How does this tie in with enabling? Well the consequences of getting that tattoo need to be hers. She needs to find out for herself that the only job she can get with it is washing dishes. If she can come home, you are preventing her from dealing with the consequences in a way that she can learn from.

Obviously there are times when we must be there for our children but there are equally times when we must not.

Ok let me start by saying I think assumptions were made on all parts. What I write on these pages are my feelings and (as was pointed out) are very much DJs against my daughter and I am sometimes not the best at communicating with this DD (or sometimes my DH for that matter because they are so much alike and are very frustrating to deal with sometimes) and it something I work on all the time. However my feelings and my actions are not the same.

My actions when any of my children come to me for advice is first to listen (and sometimes cringe inside when I hear what they tell me) and HEAR their point of view. I answer whatever question they were there to ask me about in a way that they have to make the choice even if I think it is a poor choice they have to make their OWN choice or they will never learn anything.

When I come here and write on these pages it is my frustrations talking and part of my frustration is that I do hate to let my children make poor choices but I know I HAVE to let them grow so I write my feelings to help me sort them out. I do it here because MB is a good place for advice on relationships and this particular problem started with my DD leaving her BF.

While I know that this is ok and I know that she will meet other people (and I am fine with that I even like the other guy she likes he is a nice person). However she herself told me that she knows this guy does not have any feelings for her (because he is immature and stupid according to her) and that is why I gave her the advice to not change herself to make him like her. It is not about a relationship, she is not in a relationship with this guy. If she were in a relationship with him that would be a different story and my advice to her would have been different, but I do not believe you should change who you are to attract a guy he either likes you or he doesn�t.

Just IMO as someone more your daughter's age, but I do see an enabling of terrible relationship habits. You treat her and her ex like they were married with kids. He was a boyfriend playing house and who knows how long that dragged on way too long as a result. At her age, a mother could encourage her to date up a storm and find Mr. Right.

You talk like you should have married him instead! You lament like a teenager.

I jest but seriously, let her date some losers and dump a "good guy". I dumped " Mr. Right" at 21 and it was the best decision of my life, my husband was Mr. Perfect. I gag to think of sticking with Mr. Right under pressure from my parents....

I lost this battle as soon as she turned 18, she has 8 tattoos and three face piercings and feels that society is wrong and should accept people for who they are.

All of hers are tasteful and I do not mind them at all but because I do not like full sleeves I am part of �society� and she cannot believe I am that way I make it bad for everyone.

I am NOW over the fact that her and the BF split and I do want her to date others guys, I do not have a problem at all with her dating other guys and as i just posted earlier my advice would have been different if she were in a realtionship with the other guy. IMHO I do not think you should change just to MAKE someone like you, if you are in a relationship with that person that is fine but this guy does not have romantic feelings for my DD so why should she change herself just to ATTRACT him.

Attract someone who does like you and go from there.

If you do not believe this to be true then why on earth would any of my kids come BACK to me for advice.

Changing to date is not always a bad thing. I changed my ways (bit of a wild child) when I met my h at 23 (I am 30 now). He didn't care for a party girl. Sometimes it takes a potential love to help you find ways to overcome faults.

You have said basically, she is selfish etc.... So maybe changing when meeting people isn't so bad.

After all, "I am who I am" has sure led a lot of us here in the first place

I get that you want the best for them and I am in no place to judge as mine are so much younger, but constant failing, screwing up, and ignoring good advice comes before growth. Besides, people always ask advice and come back without taking it, that's human nature. Like this thread and so many others

Maybe I am just a mean momma but if my kid ever told me that about someone (especially someone they claim to like) I would tell my kid that person probably thinks he/she is immature and stupid too which would be a good reason that person doesn't like him/her. If the guy is immature and stupid then how stupid is she to want to be with him?

I think you seriously need to hold up a mirror in front of DD's face that can perhaps offer some lessons in humility instead of offering dating advice. DD seems to think she is all that and tears people down. You don't wonder what she says about you behind your back? She doesn't need to change for a random guy but she needs to change her basic outlook or it will never matter who she dates or marries...she will still be a disaster.

This is my point exactly.......

You do realize this is not a blogging forum, right?

Since I do not even know what that is I would say my answer is no.

Blog: A place to write about your feelings to sort them out. It contains diary-type commentary. Endless posts on feelings, with no other goal than talk about the feelings.

This forum is for people who want advice, and who will take that advice and put it into action, not people who want to blog. You are blogging.

I am not just writing, I do want advice and ways to communicate with my DD without alienating her. And to see if my thoughts or feelings are totally off the mark then to try to look at myself as well.

My DD needs to change so much to ever even consider having a good relationship.

Life allows us to make mistakes.

Either we keep making them over and over again and keep getting hurt, or we Finally use them as Learning Experiences.

She will Only learn from them when she is sick and tired of the results of repeating them over and over again, expecting different results.

LTL

Then I would stop worrying about her dating life and giving her books or dating advice vs focusing on ways to make her accountable and grow up. I do think you and your H are enabling and help to sustain "the monster" by continuing to let her live in your house...it doesn't matter if she helps pay for grocery, dog food, etc. She is 24 yrs old!! I'm not saying toss her out tomorrow but there is no reason she can't have a future move date after the holidays. You need to cut the apron strings, S_C. In that respect you are very much enabling her bad behavior to continue.