I really doubt that you have been attending AlAnon meetings and sharing this with them because I think they would call you out on your methods.

The first step is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol yet you attempted to turn your home into a lockdown rehab center, which I doubt Dr. Harley would approve of.

But your lockdown rehab center wasn't too secure...you couldn't keep the booze out (but don't feel bad...even the government prisons cant keep all the booze and drugs out)...so you then insist again that she go to a regular rehab facility.

I hope you have good insurance because these facilities can be very expensive. What's your co-pay? If its around $5000 a year or so just think of the money you could set aside for a childs college fund!

Your wife will bring financial ruin upon you and your family.
I know that when you last spoke with Dr. Harley, he said that it was too early for court action.

I think you should update him on what has happened since you phone call with him.

Personally, I would file for divorce and full custody.

x 2

Sorry

How's it going?

I wonder how it's going also.

Why do I have this sinking feeling that his WW is back and still drinking?

Long time to update... sorry to all who have invested in helping me.

Everyone knew what would happen before I did... though I knew too in my heart. Wife is in a better place now, but not sure it is where I am happy that she be. She is still drinking, but no longer getting piss drunk every night. Like before, and what MelodyLane has validated, that doesn't mean much at all. I am fighting for my wife, as we have a long history, and I know her well and love her. I have called lawyers too, and not sure I'm ready for divorce yet - I see too much to give up.

She has been in rehab again... and even called OM again when sober @ rehab in September. Claims it is what finally made her see the light about his intentions, and see I was the one for her... I have been torn about what to do. Our kids have my back, but I feel so guilty that I am throwing my wife away... she is devoted to me again... and still stuck in her addiction. I am confused about what will help her.

How long has she been in rehab?
Did she write a No Contact letter to OM?

In addition to these, have you verified NC?

She was in detox rehab twice since mid-September, for a total of 3 weeks. She has been in daily outpatient for 3.5 weeks - tomorrow is her last day. Claims she will be going to AA daily for 90 days when the outpatient is complete.

She did not write another NC letter. OM has no means to contact her. She no longer has his number, and I've seen a positive change in her since she called him 2 months ago, but it's confusing and still hurts that she contacted at all, 3 months after sending him a NC letter.

I have verified NC to the best of my ability - she has not called him from her cell, she has not driven by his apartment. Only way I think she could contact him at this point is to go to the bar he frequents and wait for him to show up - and he travels during the week, so weekend is the only time they could meet up - and her and I are joined at the hip on weekends. Almost all of her time is easily accountable.

Thanks for the update, KSummit. Oh wow. Just wow. My mouth is gaping at the nightmare you have been through.

A couple of questions. How far away does the OM live? Are these AA meetings co-ed or female only? AA meetings are hot beds for pick ups so going to co-ed meetings will be a disaster for your marriage.

When was the last time she drank? Is the willingness there this time or is this yet another ruse to get you off her butt? What is different this time?

Also, there is a difference in AA between Open Meetings and Closed Meetings.

Closed Meetings are only for Alcoholics. Open Meetings can be attended by anyone. In my area, typically Open Meetings are an Individual Speaker Meeting, with one person sharing their Hope, Strength and Experiences or Workshops or Conferences. Closed Meetings are typically grouppdiscussion meetings on a particular topic.

LTL

This is a good point. You can attend open meetings with her and I would encourage you to do that. And find female only meetings for her closed meetings. Does she have a sponsor yet? If not, she can call the local AA office and assign her a female sponsor. Hopefully it will be someone with some maturity.

He lives way too close - about 5 miles down the road. It's in an area my wife never frequents... anymore. I cross over the road his apartment/bar is on every day on my way to and from work - not a nice trigger. We have talked about moving in the past, and now have another reason as a way to start fresh. Currently fixing up our house in preparation for selling.

Not sure on the AA meetings yet, since she's been in rehab mode for awhile, and hasn't been attending AA - but you alerted me to the 13th steppers a few months ago. At this point, I have joined her at every AA meeting except one - one that was women-only and seemed to really reach my wife. She has a sponsor.

Some things have changed with the drinking - some have stayed the same. Good - she hasn't been drunk in a long time, and no new crazy stories to share with you all. Bad - she still tries to justify the continued 1-3 she has most nights. She had 2 last night. Since she isn't overdrinking, the older kids have no idea that she is still drinking at all. She even had a "good excuse" to drink heavily when her dad died this last week, but did not. I do believe she wants to give it up, but she's struggling.

However, it takes more than words - I'm not sure how long this will last, and am just tolerating while I try to figure out what I want to do if/when I don't see her actually work on getting dry. Awhile back, when I saw she couldn't be trusted with the kids safety, I put our 2 year old in preschool - and I pick up and drop off my other ones to school. My wife is only home with the kids without me when one or both of my older children (13, 17) are around to make sure nothing happens. I've told her I will cancel preschool once she shows extended sobriety, as I can't chance anything happening to our kids.

I'm not sure anything is permanently different, yet. I feel our relationship is better and keeps getting better. I'm still not sure why she backslid on the NC after we were getting along great for months. I feel the drinking has gotten better, but I need complete sobriety.

She is not even remotely serious about sobriety yet if she even has 1 drink once in a while, let alone 1-3 (That Yoo Know Of), every single day.

She hasn't hit the bottom that she needs to hit yet.

Why are you allowing her to be home while still in the throes of her addictive behavior?

When you enable an addict, it is Not Love, it is just prolonging their disease.

LTL

If you NEED Complete Sobriety from her, then don't let her drink at home.

What kind of example are you Showing by your actions in that regard?

LTL

Good deal.


That sounds good.


This is a deal breaker!! It is not the 10th drink that is the problem, but the first drink. She is not serious about sobriety, so this should be a deal breaker.

And of course, there is no point in going to AA since she has not stopped drinking.

Sigh.. You just need to plan to separate and file for divorce.

NOTHING has changed here.

I agree with the others. In addition to her needing to completely stop drinking what spyware do you have on her devices?

If she is home alone all day because the baby is in preschool then how can you possible verify NC with OM?

Dr Harley told you to sock her right back into treatment if she drinks again. Why is she even there?

KSummit, what in the world are you thinking??

What in the WORLD would she go to an AA meeting for?? She drinks!!!

Extended sobriety?? She has to first GET SOBER. She has not even stopped drinking!!


You are joking right? How is the drinking "better" if she still drinks?? You don't have a relationship with her. It is impossible to have a relationship with a PRACTICING ALCOHOLIC because of their obsession.

Sir, you are under a serious delusion and this is a big part of the reason this has gone on for so long. Your wife DRINKS in your home and you do nothing?