No. You are wrong. She is an adult, and her problems are not your problems. They are definitely not your problems to solve.

I am not trying to solve them, I am trying to find something for her to read or a website where she can go or something like that that will help her to solve her own problems but first to see that part of her problems is herself.

Because right now if you ask her ALL of her problems are because of someone else and nothing to do with her.

What? They are a problem for you. This entire thread is about how you have a problem with DD24 being selfish, thoughtless, or whatever other word you want to use to describe her behavior that you don't like. If she wasn't in your house to upset you that would greatly relieve much of problem.

You don't have boundaries and allow DD24 to disrupt your household, get mad about it, rinse and repeat. I don't understand what is the big mystery here, S_C. You allow what you consider selfish, thoughtless or bad behavior in your house because she is your child.

You don't "have" to do anything. It's your house and she is not a minor.

Pot, kettle.

The original poster said they wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't there.

That is why I said yeah they wouldn't be a problem for me in my house but they would still be a problem for my child.

I am not contesting that I have allowed her to do it and continue to allow her to do it in my home.

In my home is not MY issue, I want to help my DD

Why won't you answer this?

Wow. That is such a circle jerk of a statement I don't even know where to begin.

If you show her a WEBSITE, btw, that does not necessarily mean she will read the website and see that part of the problem is HERSELF, because there are people that spend hours on a website and still refuse to see that part of the problem is themselves. Not naming any names here, I'm just saying, it can happen.

Isn't that her business?

Personally I don't see how a young single woman can AVOID hurting others to get her way. Dating is brutal and it is for her to figure out how to endure and dole out rejection. She will find something that works for her. She is very good at looking out for herself.

The only danger is that she will take your advice about putting others first literally. If she does that she will end up very unhappy and will end up blaming otothers for her unhappiness as you have done.

You are not unhappy because of your daughter. You are unhappy because you think you can impact on another adults choices without even allowing them to experience those choices for themselves.

If her choices don't make her happy, she will change them. She will. Not you.

You simply want the satisfaction of seeing your advice come to fruition. To do that, you were even willing to sacrifice your principles on marriage. You think that if you give out what others want you'll get back what you want. That's not what 'do unto others' means. It means give people the same respect to live their lives based upon their own principles, just as you would wish to have.

You ask how will she have a good relationship? None of your business, that's how.

She's an adult, and not your spouse. Even if she were a spouse she has the right to make choices in her self interest. People can only do what is right for them. We are solely responsible for our own happiness after all. Nobody else is.

This whole scenerio is a situation that you have caused.
You encouraged her daughter to play marriage and now are upset she quit playing the game.
Do you plan on being a meddling mother when she finally does get married?

I guess I just do not understand, all of you seem to think that I want her to think my way I do not and have never wanted any of my kids to think my way, I have always told them this is my opinion, get others and formulate your own. I do not want them to be little mes how boring would that be, they are each individuals and have their own good quailties and bad qualities like the rest of the world in general.

And you think that I am unhappy and BLAMING problems on others. I am not unhappy NOW at all, I WAS upset because the break up of a long term relationship at first for the wrong reasons and then later on just because it has indeed been a long term relationship and he will be missed. And the only PROBLEM I have is that I feel concern for my DD.

I get frustrated in my house over the things my DD does that are disrespectful however when I am around I tell her that she is doing it and to stop now usually she will have an attitude about it but she will stop because it is MY house and she is well aware of that.

And it seems that the majority of you think it is okay for a person to be hurtful to people to get your way. It is not about getting her way, she is GREAT at getting her way, heck I can be pretty good at getting my way if I want to.

My DD is rude and disrespectful and down right mean sometimes to get her way if she were not my DD I would probably cuss her out and never speak to her again.

I do not tell them anything unless they ask for my advice and my DS who is married does ask for my advice. Does that make me a meddling mother to him too?

Can I remain anonymous?

Why would you want an adult to live with you if you believed her to be rude and disrespectful? That's the problem here, your actions don't match your words. I would never live with anybody who I could sincerely apply those words to. Not for five minutes.

You may say you find her behaviour objectionable, but talk is cheap. What your behaviour says is that you are happy to put a roof over the head of this woman and her behaviour. That you are happy with her behaviour.

I have every sympathy for people who are genuinely hurt as victims, but this is all voluntary. Voluntary sacrifice with a slice of 'I know best' which is enourmously disrespectful to HER, a fellow adult. The fact you get to know best in your home only serves to underline the fact she can only get self respect elsewhere.

You and your other daughter don't get along with her, but you both volunteer to live with her. Thats the key message here.

Don't volunteer for situations you dont want. You are the person who designed this situation, either you are happy with it or you are not.

If you're not, and not willing to change any of it, then guess what? It won't change.

That's your decision and no one else's.

Yes you can.

It depends. Giving an asked for opinion of what you personally think cannot be described as meddling. Deciding you know better, or deciding that his mind set, morals and behaviour is inferior or flawed is where it crosses the line into disrespect and meddling.

.that seems like you are saying it is perfectly fine for her to be disrespectful but NOT ok for me to be even though I don't think I am being disrespectful to anyone my DD would tell you to your face that she is a [censored]

That is incredibly and deeply sad.

Almost as sad as the decision to move in someone who she didn't want to marry, but who everyone felt was as well as she could do as no one else would put up with her?


Like I've said, I'm not opposed to an adult living with a parent in a situation where it works. It's just I don't get why you are so resolute on one which you say does not work.

Then why did you propose it and why do you sustain it?

I'm not sure how her behaviour can have been good since she was living with her boyfriend under her mother's roof. As plans go to encourage drama, it can't be beat.

Initially I thought you made a genuine mistake in mistaking their relationship for something that would turn into marriage.

But you are not letting go. You are intent on her fitting in with your ideals of where she should be in life and for you that's a serious relationship. Or behaviour which you think deserving of a serious relationship.

She's in her early twenties and has never left home for real. Of course she isn't ready! She will need to take a lot of knocks and date a lot of frogs before that. She's already discovered doormat men are woefully inadequate.

She's one step closer thanks to this break up.

You want her acting like an adult under her mother's roof (impossible) and ready for marriage.

She wants to make discoveries.


It's not your decision. Let it go.

Never once did I say I don't get along with her we are close and do things together and talk as do her and her sister. I do not like her behavior for her sake not my sake, I could care less because as I have said before it being in MY home is not the issue it is the issue of I would like her to SEE it, I tell her, her sister tells her, her dad tells her, her exBF told her, her friends have told her.

Her attitude and behavior has lost her jobs and friends and lots of things. But I guess no one can see except through their own eyes and the only thing I can do is how that someday she does SEE.