Great. I am glad that the living situation is happier than I thought.

All's well then.

Oh my goodness I am just done you are making HORRIBLE assumptions about me.

I hope you contact Dr. Harley, anonymously if you prefer, just to get his unbiased opinion on your situation.

LTL

I would like to make this post on my views about my children and being married.

My eldest DD is 27 and has cried to me about the fact that she is so ready to get married and have kids however she FORTUNATELY has not; since she has not found the right guy (until maybe this time) I am so happy that she has never just got married for the sake of being married.

My DS married his high school sweetheart 2 days after he turned 21 and bought a house and we just found out recently is expecting a child. I am so happy for him too because that is what he wanted to do. I think it is so young but he was ready and is doing wonderful.

My youngest DD had been planning a wedding with her exBF (even though he had not yet proposed they both talked about what they wanted for their wedding). She had watched wedding shows for the last two years so much so that we would say will you two get married already. She had picked out the type of ring she wanted, the type of dress she wanted, she wanted to do her bouquet in pretty flower broaches instead of regular flowers and had already bought them and had been messing around with them to see what kind of look she wanted on a bouquet thing that I bought for her. Two months or so before the other guy moved here she had given the exBF an ultimatum that if he had not proposed by their anniversary of next year (the same time they were supposed to move out of my house) that she was going to move on because she was tired of waiting to get married.

So now she is not getting married and as you all of pointed out and I agree that is not a bad thing and I am SO glad she chose to break it off if she thinks she has feelings for this other guy, as she said it is not fair to either her or the exBF. I still will miss the exBF he was a nice guy and him and my DD were together for 5 years.

I will meet other BFs (maybe this other guy, who knows, that I also like) and I will either like them or not (same as before the exBF), but regardless of my feelings I will not be the one who is in the relationship, she will, so it is her feelings that matter about the BF not mine.

SC, this would be a great opportunity to teach your daughter some life skills about marriage and shacking up. When she shacks up with anyone she is wrecking that relationship by establishing a month to month renters agreement. So even if it would have been a good match, it is wrecked by the practice of shacking up.

You could print up this article to show her: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

Thanks Mel, I will show it ot her or leave it lying around for her to see.

I sat my son down and went over it with him when he decided to shack up with his fiance. [they shacked up for a few months before their wedding] I made sure he knew he knew I didn't approve and expected MUCH BETTER out of him.

When are you emailing Dr. Harley?

It�s common to approach relationships cautiously, asking �what�s in it for me?� before extending a helping hand. However, it�s far more rewarding not to wait until you�re certain of getting something out of a relationship before you�re willing to invest in it. When you serve on the front end, you unlock the benefits of reciprocity. Occasionally others will take advantage of your goodwill, but far more often people will respond to your support with grateful generosity.

That may be Still_Crazy's philosophy but it is not Dr Harley's. His view (which I wholeheartedly share) is that we should look for people that meet our needs naturally and easily. You absolutely should wait until you are getting something out of a relationship before you invest in it.

Reciprocity is poison because it carries a payload of 'I sacrifice for you and then you will have to sacrifice for me'.

I want to point out that no one will be the "right guy" if she ruins her relationships by shacking up. This relationship might have worked out if she didn't do that. That is what your DD needs to learn. As her parent, I hope you teach her that and give her some guidance in her life. Getting married to get married is not the goal, but shacking up for the sake of shacking up only prevents her from finding the right guy.

This DD didn't shack up, it is the other DD who did.

Gotcha. Does this one know better?

Yes I have stressed it to all of them but the youngest DD does as she pleases regardless of the consequences it seems.

I have never felt that way in my life.

So why did you write this?

I am not sure that I am, it took several pages to try to explain here.

First off I didn't write it, it is a quote.

And I disagree with your statement about Reciprocity is why I wrote it, I have never felt 'I sacrifice for you and then you will have to sacrifice for me'., I do not expect ANYTHING in return.

That's too bad that you won't even try to get the best advice out there.

I'm sure you can condense it and explain it to Dr. Harley, if you really wanted a plan to do something.