How are the kids doing? Do they need counseling? It may help them get through this period. Does your H have good insurance that can cover it?

If you're not able to do plan B yet, your H may get verbally abusive. Remember to stay calm and cool and don't debate him. Just calmly say you are doing what you need to do for your family. Be decisive and in control. No crying, no yelling, no back and forth. He needs to see that you have taken control of the situation.

Have you exposed to your children?

Your kids are so young. Be careful how you talk to them about it. In some cases, a counselor can help. For my kids, the school was great in providing them support they needed if they were too scared to bring anything up to my W and I.

My kids know. Well, the older two do. I have been careful to not say angry things about their dad. I have just reiterated that sometimes people we love make mistakes. (My 11 year old said "this is one heck of a mistake.") They are handling things pretty well for the most part. We have access to free counseling through his job, and I have been going. The woman I see is really good. I mentioned counseling to my daughter and she wasn't very enthusiastic, but I think we'll go anyway. I have been letting them go overnight. They really do want to see him.

I have not ever been able to pump breastmilk successfully. I am able to comfortably leave her for about 2 hours.

Changed the locks last night.

I am so terrified about turning over this evidence to his superiors. I know the investigation is underway with or without me. I know if I don't do it, they will likely get away with it and they will stay together. It will be like I've poked a sleeping bear with my rifle and then just let it get up and attack me without shooting.

I just keep thinking about me and four kids no longer having medical insurance, or money for the electric bill, or....

I haven't worked outside the home in over 4 years. I don't have the earning potential to support us now. I have family that will help, but it is still so scary.

And it's scary because I still love this man. It's so hard to expose his mistake at work when he has worked so hard to get where he is. I know he doesn't seem to care how it affects him, or how it affects me. It's just so hard.

Sorry for blabbering.

purple: Do you have a good lawyer? Get a few referrals and consultations. I'm not a lawyer, but I believe your H has to pay all your (and his kids) medical and insurance bills. If you need to go back to school or more alimony while you job hunt, he probably has to pay for that too. If you need child care, he may have to pay that. Don't be concerned about something you may not have to worry about. Find out the law.

Secondly, stop calling it a "mistake". A mistake is one wrong move. He had plenty of time to correct his wrong move. This is all his fault. Stop shifting the blame to you. There's consequences to his bad choices. Always remember that. The consequences for him are going to be enormous.

I have consulted a lawyer, and yes he will have to pay. A lot. As long as he has a job.

If I stop calling it a mistake, I'm afraid I will start hating him. I have to think of it as a temporary thing. Yes, a series of mistakes. Many bad choices. If I start thinking about how he is deliberately hurting me and his family, I don't know that I can keep it together.

Definitely not my fault. Turning him in doesn't make any of the consequences my fault. But I do have some part in bringing them down on him. Of course, whether I expose or not it would possibly be discovered.

JK, I know it is scary, but you can't destroy a marriage over a job. You are more likely to face going back to work if you are DIVORCED, and that is where you are headed right now. The longer this affair goes on, the harder it will be to bust up.

It is imperative that you give them all your evidence of the affair. If you don't, they can't take action and the affair will continue. Do you want that to happen? You can ask them to think of you and your children and transfer your husband to a new location. You have that advantage when you expose versus them finding out on their own.

You are not responding to my posts about Plan B. Did you read my posts about Plan B? You can't STAY in Plan A, dear.

You are putting your love for your husband ahead of your need for financial security. That is an honorable thing. If your husband comes out of the fog, and I believe he will, he's going to thank you for your sacrificial love.

Melody's right, by the way. It's scary, but you are more likely to face financial hardship if you get divorced, so this is your best option either way.

They would have found out eventually, I assure you. With you doing the exposure, you have the advantage of being able to asking them to transfer him somewhere else so you are not without support.

He has been a reckless fool at work and should never be in a position of authority. Sorry, but that is the truth. He threw his career away. He should have known better.

Thank you for saying this. I haven't looked at it that way.

I don't know how much leeway they have in their decision. Government job - so they have their policies and if you don't follo them the consequences are laid out in advance. If the ones in charge don't follow policy they are subject to disciplinary action as well. But it sure won't hurt to ask. And bring the baby with me to the meeting. Which I scheduled for Monday morning. I already printed everything off.

I don't know their policies, but we have been through this many times with military personnel and they do take the welfare of the family into account and try to accommodate them.

Definitely headed for divorce, probably even if I succeed in ending the affair. Believe me, I am aware.

I didn't mean to ignore your plan b posts. I have no intention of staying in plan a. It is way too painful. I have a draft of my plan b letter I'm working on. I'm having a hard time coming up with an im who doesn't want to remove his testicles on my behalf. I think having the older kids carry the baby in and out can work. I can park in the visitor area at WHs apartment to sit and nurse her, that way I don't even have to see his car.

That is encouraging. Thank you.

My posts about Plan B? I am starting to get very concerned now.

I changed the locks last night.

We do have a visitation schedule set now, it is Tuesday 5pm until Wednesday between 1 and 2 pm, with me bringing him the baby Wednesday morning and Friday morning 9:30 until 1-2pm. The issue with the baby is that she's not on a set time schedule as far as when she wakes or eats, so I was thinking I need to let him know when she's ready to be picked up but if I had an appointment I'd just wake her up so I think I'll just look at it that way and make it work.