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My posts about Plan B? I am starting to get very concerned now. I think I've missed something. Can you repost?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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How old are your children? They are 14, 11, 4, and 3 months. I don't think I would go for overnights if I were you, especially since he is having an affair. I would give him perhaps every Wednesday evening for a couple of hours and then either Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Do it in blocks of time that will make it possible for him to get the baby home to you in time for a feeding. For example, he could have them for 3 hours and you could feed the baby just before he takes them. The older children could carry the little one to the car so he doesn't have to come inside. This way you don't ever have to see him. And maybe let him take the older children an extra afternoon or evening. Do the older children WANT to see him? I would set up a very strict visitation schedule so you are not constantly revisiting this issue. Have your IM give him the calendar. Do you have an IM yet? Have you changed the locks? I changed the locks last night. We do have a visitation schedule set now, it is Tuesday 5pm until Wednesday between 1 and 2 pm, with me bringing him the baby Wednesday morning and Friday morning 9:30 until 1-2pm. The issue with the baby is that she's not on a set time schedule as far as when she wakes or eats, so I was thinking I need to let him know when she's ready to be picked up but if I had an appointment I'd just wake her up so I think I'll just look at it that way and make it work. Who is the IM and how will this plan work with you never seeing him in Plan B? I would try and tighten up this plan with the baby where you are not hauling the child around like this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What is the plan for Plan B?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I
As for plan B - I'm not sure how to go completely dark. We have a 3 month old and I am breastfeeding her - she doesn't take bottles at all. We have to have some degree of real time communication in order for him to be able to see her at all. Lets figure this out. Do you have a friend, family or neighbor who could facilitate visitation with the baby OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME? How often has he seen the baby since he has been gone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I should have included them in the first exposure but I was scared. I hope I haven't made a mess by doing two separate exposures. Maybe it would be a good idea to go into Plan B this weekend so you don't have to listen to his backlash next week. How prepared are you? Do you have an IM lined up? Do you have plans in place to prevent him from contacting you? Could you get prepared and go dark tomorrow evening or Sunday?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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With a set time for pickup I can have the kids waiting to go out as soon as he pulls up in front of the house. The baby is just being driven to him 2 mornings a week. The big kids can carry her out to nurse. I can text the 14yo when I arrive.
I have a friend I can ask to be IM. She would do anything for me. We would be sending all contact through her via email, correct? So I only get the relavent communication (kids and finances), correct? I need to drink some coffee and reread about plan b.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I could ask my sister, too. The problem with either of these options is that they are very loyal to me and I wouldn't want them to get completely turned against him if (when) he says crazy things. Of course they'll know about it anyway because I tell them everything.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I also worry a little about using my oldest to transfer the baby back and forth. I'll just have to be very careful.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I should have included them in the first exposure but I was scared. I hope I haven't made a mess by doing two separate exposures. Maybe it would be a good idea to go into Plan B this weekend so you don't have to listen to his backlash next week. How prepared are you? Do you have an IM lined up? Do you have plans in place to prevent him from contacting you? Could you get prepared and go dark tomorrow evening or Sunday? What kind of plan can I put in place to keep him from contacting me? I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Are you referring to getting an IM?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Yes, I think I can be ready by tomorrow.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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How about he can see the baby twice a week for 2 - 2.5 hours? That way you don't have to wait around to see if she needs to nurse.
The way you have it set up now is an awful lot of work for you. Why bend over backwards for a guy who left his wife and four kids?
You don't need to make this easy for him (you don't have to make it intentionally hard either) but he needs to know that there are consequences to leaving you and one of them is not having total access to his youngest child due to logistical issues.
Waywards are so entitled. SO ENTITLED. They act like everyone should fall in line and do things the way THEY want them done. I would make this easier for YOU not HIM.
You're going to need that uninterrupted, child free time (even if it's only 2-3 hours per week) to do some self care stuff and work on yourself. You don't want to be in a position where you have to drop everything and rush over there so he can get his needs met. NO.
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What I did this week was feed her at home, drop her off (or he picked her up) then planned to be at his place to feed her 2 hours later.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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That is too much work for you. I think you should rethink this.
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Well, I can go feed her and then have another 2 - 2.5 hours before he brings her home, or I can tell him to just bring her home the first time instead of going to nurse her. Being away from her requires work on my part. It would even if he was still home.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Joined: Oct 2014
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Having him bring her home to eat would be hard on the older kids.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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It's time to start shifting your thinking here. You have to start thinking more about how to set up a life that works for you, whether or not he's in it.
I know that's scary and you don't want to do it and would rather stay in a space of hoping there will be reconciliation. Reconciliation is still a possibility but for the betterment of yourself and your life, you need to set it up and start working on a great life for you and your kids.
Though it seems counter-intuitive, this will actually make you MORE attractive to him. Up to this point, you've been a bit of a doormat, willing to go a long with his 'plans', listening to and believing his lies and justifications.
All this is changing now and you need to be stronger for yourself and set things up in a way that is healthy for you.
Anyway, sitting outside his apartment nursing the baby knowing that he's int here with the kids is going to eat you up. It's not going to feel good and it will keep you triggered. You've got to limit the triggers so that you can start to feel better and heal.
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Maybe you still go to the parking lot and one of the kids brings the baby to you but you don't wait around.
HE NEEDS TO GET A FEELING FOR WHAT LIFE IT LIKE WITHOUT YOU DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SUPPORT HIM.
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With a set time for pickup I can have the kids waiting to go out as soon as he pulls up in front of the house. The baby is just being driven to him 2 mornings a week. The big kids can carry her out to nurse. I can text the 14yo when I arrive. This is not a good plan at all because it involves too much contact to breast feed the baby. That needs to be entirely eliminated. And I would get her on a bottle as soon as you can. I would figure out a plan where he can pick up the baby from a neighbor or your IM's and just visit with her in 2 hour blocks. It is ridiculous for you to stand by to breast feed the baby. I have a friend I can ask to be IM. She would do anything for me. We would be sending all contact through her via email, correct? So I only get the relavent communication (kids and finances), correct? I need to drink some coffee and reread about plan b. Exactly. And I will help her screen the information. Being an IM is the easiest job in the world if you do it right. Your husband will REFUSE to do this at first, so you will have to be strong. When he refuses, your IM will have to say "it is either me or nothing." And you WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT HER BY NOT TAKING HIS CALLS. Can you do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I'm sorry to say but when Dad's leave their families, it is terribly hard on the kids. You can limit their suffering on your end but you can't shield them from what he's chosen and quite frankly, it would be good for him to see how much this is hurting the kids.
He needs accountability. From his superiors at work, form his family and friends and from you and the kids.
No one should be trying to make this easy for him.
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[
What kind of plan can I put in place to keep him from contacting me? I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Are you referring to getting an IM? When he gets your Plan B letter, he will tell your IM to buzz off and will try to contact you directly. You need to BLOCK his email address, block his phone # and turn off your answering machine. Think of every possible way he could get through and have a plan to block it. He will also call the kids and ask them to give you the phone or give you a message. You have to tell them not to do this. Explain to them that contact is too painful and you cannot take any messages from him. They are also to never allow him in the house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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