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Well, I can go feed her and then have another 2 - 2.5 hours before he brings her home, or I can tell him to just bring her home the first time instead of going to nurse her. Being away from her requires work on my part. It would even if he was still home. Just feed her before he picks up the kids. Then he can bring the baby back home early and one of the children can bring the child inside. That will be the end of his visit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Anyway, sitting outside his apartment nursing the baby knowing that he's int here with the kids is going to eat you up. It's not going to feel good and it will keep you triggered. You've got to limit the triggers so that you can start to feel better and heal. Agree. You shouldn't go to his apartment complex EVER. It will just make you sick. That is ridiculous. He needs to accommodate you, not the other way around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I want to make sure you read my post here. Are you prepared for your husband to REJECT your Plan B? [
What kind of plan can I put in place to keep him from contacting me? I'm not sure what you're getting at here. Are you referring to getting an IM? When he gets your Plan B letter, he will tell your IM to buzz off and will try to contact you directly. You need to BLOCK his email address, block his phone # and turn off your answering machine. Think of every possible way he could get through and have a plan to block it. He will also call the kids and ask them to give you the phone or give you a message. You have to tell them not to do this. Explain to them that contact is too painful and you cannot take any messages from him. They are also to never allow him in the house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow - a lot to respond to. I'm going to do it one at a time. With a set time for pickup I can have the kids waiting to go out as soon as he pulls up in front of the house. The baby is just being driven to him 2 mornings a week. The big kids can carry her out to nurse. I can text the 14yo when I arrive. This is not a good plan at all because it involves too much contact to breast feed the baby. That needs to be entirely eliminated. And I would get her on a bottle as soon as you can. I would figure out a plan where he can pick up the baby from a neighbor or your IM's and just visit with her in 2 hour blocks. It is ridiculous for you to stand by to breast feed the baby. I have a friend I can ask to be IM. She would do anything for me. We would be sending all contact through her via email, correct? So I only get the relavent communication (kids and finances), correct? I need to drink some coffee and reread about plan b. Exactly. And I will help her screen the information. Being an IM is the easiest job in the world if you do it right. Your husband will REFUSE to do this at first, so you will have to be strong. When he refuses, your IM will have to say "it is either me or nothing." And you WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT HER BY NOT TAKING HIS CALLS. Can you do this? I WILL NOT be putting the baby on a bottle. I would not do it if he was home, I will not do it now to help facilitate his life away from us. Period. It hurts me because I want her to have time with her dad, but I'm not doing that. It hadn't occurred to me that he would refuse. He hasn't initiated much contact since he left, but I have been going along with whatever he wants and he's had his happy little double life to keep him going. I can see that this is about to get much different. I can block his calls/texts/emails. I know dr h recommends against family as IM, but I really think my sister would be very good. I don't know anyone who can be neutral.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Well, I can go feed her and then have another 2 - 2.5 hours before he brings her home, or I can tell him to just bring her home the first time instead of going to nurse her. Being away from her requires work on my part. It would even if he was still home. Just feed her before he picks up the kids. Then he can bring the baby back home early and one of the children can bring the child inside. That will be the end of his visit. Melodylane gives you very good advice. Do not make your life harder then he has already made it, to shield him from the consequences of his actions. The baby is so young, that she will not miss him if he is rarely around her. Babies sleep almost all day, so why go to all this trouble for him. Like Melodylane said, he can bring the baby home early. You should not have to quit breastfeeding just to accomodate his visitation. He should have thought of his family before starting to flirt with another woman. Please take good care of yourself and let the consequences of his actions fall on him. They may help wake him up along with the other "surviving an affair" measures.
me, DH
all the children
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It's time to start shifting your thinking here. You have to start thinking more about how to set up a life that works for you, whether or not he's in it.
I know that's scary and you don't want to do it and would rather stay in a space of hoping there will be reconciliation. Reconciliation is still a possibility but for the betterment of yourself and your life, you need to set it up and start working on a great life for you and your kids.
Though it seems counter-intuitive, this will actually make you MORE attractive to him. Up to this point, you've been a bit of a doormat, willing to go a long with his 'plans', listening to and believing his lies and justifications.
All this is changing now and you need to be stronger for yourself and set things up in a way that is healthy for you.
Anyway, sitting outside his apartment nursing the baby knowing that he's int here with the kids is going to eat you up. It's not going to feel good and it will keep you triggered. You've got to limit the triggers so that you can start to feel better and heal. You're right. Sitting outside his apartment was hard. I really enjoyed the longer break, though. Being a single mom of four is hard, plus one is a baby, plus they are all on edge, plus I am heartbroken.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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You will enjoy your break even more, if you can stay at home instead of sitting in a car breastfeeding your baby while he is playing ideal family with the kids...
me, DH
all the children
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You will enjoy your break even more, if you can stay at home instead of sitting in a car breastfeeding your baby while he is playing ideal family with the kids... You mean have him bring her to me to feed then take her back so I get the longer break? Realistically, he'll just bring them all back at that point. I don't see him taking them back to his place for another couple of hours. Which gives me less break.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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I guess I need to make other plans to get time for myself. My days of counting on him are over, for now if not forever.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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It hadn't occurred to me that he would refuse. He hasn't initiated much contact since he left, but I have been going along with whatever he wants and he's had his happy little double life to keep him going. I can see that this is about to get much different. I can block his calls/texts/emails. YEs, he will go crazy when you go into Plan B because he will no longer be in control of you. He will not like it when you take back control of your life. I know dr h recommends against family as IM, but I really think my sister would be very good. I don't know anyone who can be neutral. As long as she will put on a neutral front and won't get into arguments with him. That is the reason family makes terrible IM's. They are emotionally invested and get quite upset when the WS spouts fog babble. How is she going to react when your H sends a long fog babble post blaming you for his affair? And why can't you train your baby to be on a bottle as long as it is breast milk? That way your husband could feed her a bottle and all this back and forth would be eliminated? I am not suggesting that you STOP breast feeding, only that you train the baby to do both.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Anyway, sitting outside his apartment nursing the baby knowing that he's int here with the kids is going to eat you up. It's not going to feel good and it will keep you triggered. You've got to limit the triggers so that you can start to feel better and heal. Agree. You shouldn't go to his apartment complex EVER. It will just make you sick. That is ridiculous. He needs to accommodate you, not the other way around. You're right. It was hard. I threw up in the parking lot.
Last edited by jkwpurple; 11/29/14 12:53 PM.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
You mean have him bring her to me to feed then take her back so I get the longer break? Realistically, he'll just bring them all back at that point. I don't see him taking them back to his place for another couple of hours. Which gives me less break. NO, I am not suggesting he bring the child home to feed, but to bring the child HOME to you. His visit will be done. Accommodating his visits like this is ridiculous and will not give you a break. Why can't you send bottles with him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How far away does your sister live? What about letting him visit the baby 2x a week over there and just keeping the visits with the other kids separate?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
You mean have him bring her to me to feed then take her back so I get the longer break? Realistically, he'll just bring them all back at that point. I don't see him taking them back to his place for another couple of hours. Which gives me less break. NO, I am not suggesting he bring the child home to feed, but to bring the child HOME to you. His visit will be done. Accommodating his visits like this is ridiculous and will not give you a break. Why can't you send bottles with him? I don't give my kids bottle. I have never been able to pump enough milk for that, and I am not giving them formula. I feel very strongly about this. I will not change the way I feed my infant to accommodate his actions.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
You mean have him bring her to me to feed then take her back so I get the longer break? Realistically, he'll just bring them all back at that point. I don't see him taking them back to his place for another couple of hours. Which gives me less break. NO, I am not suggesting he bring the child home to feed, but to bring the child HOME to you. His visit will be done. Accommodating his visits like this is ridiculous and will not give you a break. Why can't you send bottles with him? I don't give my kids bottle. I have never been able to pump enough milk for that, and I am not giving them formula. I feel very strongly about this. I will not change the way I feed my infant to accommodate his actions. Also, this baby is allergic to dairy and sensitive to soy so I would have to use an expensive hypoallergenic formula. Not going to do it.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
Also, this baby is allergic to dairy and sensitive to soy so I would have to use an expensive hypoallergenic formula. Not going to do it. I wasn't thinking about formula, but about breast milk.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But if you can't do it, you can't do it. Lets move on to other plans.
How can you make this work? Did you see my suggestion about his visiting the baby a couple of times a week at your sisters?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, you will have to make a realistic plan that accomodates you, as you are the one with the most hassle. If it is in your best interest to be without the baby for 5 hours, you may want to pump some milk or feed her two times before she goes and she should be able to last 4 hours without feeding eventually. Even with breastfeeding "on demand" it is always helpful to have a daily routine, with fairly regular feeding times. You can just look at the individual child to see which schedule would suit you and the child best. That way your day is more predictable and you can plan her sleeping and feeding times better. On "breasfeeding regulation days, you can then feed her more. I like the book and methods of Anna Wahlgren on that subject. I will not post a link, because if it is a non-MB breastfeeding link it will be removed...  If you have a fairly regular regimen (not rigid) you will have an easier time being away from the baby for 4 hours, while she takes her regular naps.
Last edited by happyheart; 11/29/14 01:01 PM.
me, DH
all the children
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[
Also, this baby is allergic to dairy and sensitive to soy so I would have to use an expensive hypoallergenic formula. Not going to do it. I wasn't thinking about formula, but about breast milk. I have tried to pump. It took two sessions to get enough for one feeding. Plus I would still have to pump at feeding time, and pumping takes longer and is less enjoyable than nursing. This particular thing makes me really angry at him.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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hh, those are great suggestions!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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